summer sucks - melting ice cream

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1. The Heat

The clear worst part of the season. Not to sound TOO dramatic, but any day above 84 degrees is the worst tragedy in the history of mankind. You trudge through the day exhausted by the mere act of existing and dripping in sweat like you're being braised in your own juices. What's worse is that the only way to escape is by completely overcompensating for it by blasting the AC at temperatures low enough to get a penguin's nipples hard. You sit trying to find a balance between too hot and too cold that never comes, like you're Goldie Locks from an alternate dimension where Mamma Bear and Papa Bear used a condom. The heat ensures that you won't be comfortable for the next three months and it sucks.

2. The Clothes That Result From Said Heat

While we're on the subject of the heat, let's discuss the clothes that your forced to wear in a vain attempt to beat it. I don't know about you, but I like to avoid anything that shows off more of my weird body. I find certain winter coats too revealing, so clothing that shows off the gross hairs on my legs and the frailty of my forearms is not ideal for me. What's worse is the fact that putting on shorts makes me instantly feel like a little boy. I instinctively feel like I should grab a lunch box and wait for a school bus to come pick me up.


summer sucks - sunset
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3. Seeing Other People Enjoying Their Trips

Summer also brings with it a whole host of people taking what looks like some very lovely trips....and it aggravates every bitter bone in my body. There are few worse feelings than being cooped up in your own shitty life while having to deal with the sight of other people having what seems to be a much better time than you. Is that petty? Of course it is. That doesn't make it any less true.


4. Trying to Take One Of Those Trips Yourself

Of course the only thing worse than resenting someone else's happiness is trying and failing at pursuing your own. What all those happy pictures of people on vacay don't convey is all the shit that went into getting to that picture perfect moment that was captured. There was months of planning, loads of money, hours of uncomfortable travel, stupid fights with your loved ones and any other number of hurdles you have to go before you can actually relax and enjoy yourself. What's worse is the fact that very rarely do your getaways have any lasting effects like you hope they will. You go in expecting to leave happy and refreshed, but usually what happens is that you're just reminded what happiness feels like before you're promptly robbed of that feeling and send back to your normal, terrible life.



5. The Heat Again

Yes, I know I already mentioned this but I ALSO don't remember what a dry taint feels like, so I figured it was worth giving it another special shout out. It's just that terrible.

summer sucks - fireworks
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6. The Stupid Fucking Holidays

The summer is bookended by two indistinguishable holidays, both of which I mostly celebrate asking, "Is this Memorial Day or the other one?" Between them is the Fourth of July which usually just consists of scrambling to find a place you can get day drunk and eat four more hamburgers than you needed to before you take a brief nap and wake up just in time to have your headache exacerbated by the sounds of fireworks. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the day off. I just wish I didn't always spend it celebrating something something so dumb. Speaking of which...


7. Barbecues Celebrating Those Stupid Fucking Holidays

Maybe the reason I hate these holidays more than I should has to do with the fact that the way people usually choose to celebrate them sucks weiner. I have no idea why we save barbecues for the summer when spring is a thing. There's nothing worse than standing in the heat making small talk while smoke from a grill blows in your face. Add to that a stomach filled to the brim with beer, beef, and mayonnaise covered pasta for some reason, and what you end up with is something that's seems fun in concept but stinks like a butt in practice.

summer sucks
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8. The  Constant Reminder That My Youth Is a Thing of The Past

Without question the worst part of the summer though, is the fact that most of the stuff on this list were, at some point in my life, things that I actually used to genuinely love. As a kid, summer was the time of year that you were actually free to do what you wanted, so everything surrounding it felt special. When you grow up, summer is just like every other time of year and that truly sucks.