Feeling a ping in your internet sweet tooth?
Then, hey, psst, kid, come here, we got some delicious Twitter candy for you. Just hop right in my unmarked, windowless van, that's right, right here next to Uncle Hannah and I'll give you exactly the sugar rush you're looking for.
Just don't tell your parents we gave it to you.
1. Throw a yellow polkadot bikini on that shrimp and you've got yourself the ultimate crossover event of the century.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶 pic.twitter.com/ONhso41kQI-- Tom (@tdawks) July 10, 2018
2. Come on man, you know I can't think past dinner time.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?-- DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) April 22, 2015
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
3. *Chaine up desserts screaming for help from my basement*
WAITER: Room for dessert?-- Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 2, 2015
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those.
4. It was a meatraculous recovery.
A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.-- Ceej (@ceejoyner) May 24, 2013
5. The uprising shall BEGIN!
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.-- Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) November 30, 2013
6. I'm smart but I have no self control. Also I'm not that smart.
I'm smart but not "know when to stop eating" smart.-- June O'Hara (@juneohara65) May 7, 2015
7. Do not touch the forbidden fruit!
1998: In 20 years we'll have flying cars-- Greg Baroth (@gbaroth) January 15, 2018
2018: we literally have to tell people not to eat Tide Pods
8. Much more impress than that thing Jesus did, imo.
I can't turn water into wine, but I can turn ice cream into breakfast.-- Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) June 25, 2012
9. This is what getting swol looks like, takes notes.
Burnt 1500 calories today...😁 pic.twitter.com/qQUXTAVznz-- Harbhajan Turbanator (@harbhajan_singh) May 29, 2018
10. Don't drag me into this, not this time!
A dad at the coffee shop bought his child a donut and said, "Don't tell Mom," then winked at me, so now I'm caught up in their web of lies.-- Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 20, 2018
11. Sir, you're missing half an arm. Yeah? And a Cheesy Gordita Crunch, my brotha.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?-- Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 14, 2018
guy driving the ambulance:
12. Cut my life into pizza, this is my plastic fork.
*calls up pizza place*-- Bad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) February 6, 2014
WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVEN? IF YOU'RE TRYING TO TEAR MY FAMILY APART IT'S WORKING
13. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
Me: [crying so hard I can't breathe] why-- moody monday (@mdob11) October 18, 2015
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done