Want to improve your quality of life and don't care who you hurt along the way in doing so? Then you my friend need to check out r/UnethicalLifeProTips. Life is cruel, so why not be cruel back to life? Step on some throats out there - it's the only way to get what you want (Please don't actually do any of these).
1. icorrectotherpeople - Make sure it's a bigass Phineas and Ferb tattoo also
Grow a beard, get a temporary tattoo that is very noticeable. After doing something that's not legal, you shave your beard and get the tattoo off. All witnesses will remember the beard and the tattoo and you'll never be a suspect.
2. hacksoncode - Excuse me sir where are our nuclear launch codes
When you are somewhere you're not supposed to be, but need to ask a question, use "we/our" instead of "you/your". Example: Security guard walks up while you're wandering around looking for trouble. "Hey, do we have a bathroom near here?" sounds a lot more like you work there than "Hey, do you have a bathroom around here?" which makes you sound like a vagrant looking for a place to pee.
3. reallyhotgirlwhoshot - That's what you fuckers get for calling someone in this day and age
Start every phone call with "my phone is just about out of battery" that way you can hang up on them when you get bored.
4. TabascoPissHole - May be a tough sell as a frequent flyer after your 6th call in 6 weeks
Don't want to stand in the security line at the airport? A week before flying call the TSA, tell them you just had surgery and are using a cane. They will meet you at the curb, push you to the front of the line and you skip the hours wait. Had knee replaced in Feb, worked like a charm.
5. TobiasWade - Look, I did all I could do
6. B1ush1ft - Also a great way to rid yourself of your current girlfriend. A real 2 for 1
Want to know which one of your girlfriend's friends you have a shot with? Tell her you cheated on her with one of her friends. The first one she mentions would be your best shot.
7. iLackIntelligence - Who are we kidding I'm not gonna read anyway
If you can't access a news article due to a paywall, insert "outline.com/" before the URL of the news article. It will bypass the paywall and present the news article in a clean and reader-friendly manner. For example: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/22/nyregion/inmate-solitary-young-nyc.html(limited by number of articles viewable) to this: www.outline.com/https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/22/nyregion/inmate-solitary-young-nyc.html (full article, no limit to the number of articles)
8. UnluckyGibbers - Now this I like
9. Shanelw28 - If you exploit a kind old woman I'm gonna come and kick your ass
Missed a big meeting or an important school assignment? Go buy a cheap flower bouquet and head to your local hospice. Go to the first elderly lady you see and give her the flowers. Take a selfie with her. When you talk to your teacher or boss show them the pic.
10. OnMyWorkComputer - I am a good friend and not a deteriorating alcoholic
Hide your alcoholism by buying a birthday card every time you restock your liquor cabinet. The cashier will think you're going to a party, and friends and coworkers will think you have your shit together because you always have a card for them on their actual bday
11. qqqqxfk - Suck my nuts Jeff Bezos
If you have a one month free trial Amazon Prime membership, you can turn it into a 2 month free trial by choosing the option to cancel your membership, meaning amazon will give you another month as a last attempt at begging to keep you as a customer.
12. thedhusquad - Caveat here is you need to be white
13. Pkmnlovr19482 - The perfect crime
Want to make some fast money this summer? Go buy store bought brownies and take them to a music festival near you. Walk around and sell them for $20 each. Everybody will assume they're pot brownies and by time they realize they aren't you'll be long gone.