I can’t help but notice these days that everyone is out walking their dogs. I can’t even go outside without seeing a friendly canine, and why not? Dogs offer companionship and fun, and from what I’ve gleaned from conversations they’re huge chick magnets.
For a while now I’ve pondered getting one of my own, but everyone I know discouraged it. They say, “But Ryan, you’ll never go on runs with it! And you’ll probably get it drunker than Courtney Love at an open bar!”
My friends are right, as they often are in discouraging these sorts of schemes. On this particular issue they are probably right as well, but for all the wrong reasons. The reason I won’t have time for a dog is simple: I already have a stoner roommate.
As many of you can probably attest, having a stoner for a roommate is like having a rambunctious newborn puppy. They eat and sleep a lot, and if you don’t watch them at all times they’re prone to put strange things in their mouths.
It takes a lot of hard work to train your puppy or stoner, but the best way is by establishing a routine. This will make them comfortable in their surroundings and make them more receptive to instructions.
You’ll want to start by showing them where their food and water is. You’ll want to have plastic containers so that your puppy or stoner can’t accidentally break them. The best part about this is that whether you have a puppy or a stoner, you can pretty much feed them the same food. Trust me, neither will know the difference.
Next, it may be helpful to teach them the commands of “sit” and “stay.” As you’ve probably already figured out, your puppy or stoner is easily distracted and will likely wander away without a watchful eye. These commands are important because they are the building blocks for other commands such as “roll over,” “shake hands” and “pay your rent.”
This classical conditioning can be achieved by giving your puppy or stoner a reward each time he successfully performs the desired behavior. It will probably come in the form of a special food that you’ll probably have to hide—your puppy or stoner has a very good sense of smell.
Sometimes, your puppy or stoner will make loud noises at inappropriate times. For example, they may start yelping at 2 a.m. on a Monday night. If you were to heed their calls, they would probably want to play or simply regale you with a story of how they “made brownies and ate the whole batch. You want a bong rip, dude?”
You should resist doing so, because if you heed their calls it will only serve to reinforce this bad behavior.
But the joys of having a puppy or a stoner are often worth all the trouble. As hard as it is to get them to go in the direction you want them to (or get them to do anything for that matter), they are very cute. With their glazed over puppy-dog eyes and a blissful smile glued to their faces, it’s hard not to love them.
You’ll know you’ve made it when you don’t have to ask your puppy to sit—he just does. A similar moment happens when you don’t even need to help your stoner off the couch when he complains of having mad couch lock—he just gets up and gets the bag of Cheetos himself. In that moment, all your hard work has paid off.