Can you imagine how fucking hot this bitch has to be? If she is any worse than an 11 – I will be severely disappointed in my new hero Oscar Gonzalez. Can you imagine a girl so hot that you can’t even make it to the bathroom so you can join the solo-mile-high club? I mean, just fucking wow. The best part is he spooned! Spooned! He fucking cuddled! It must have been out of this world. Most guys won’t cuddle if their in a relationship so what is she so upset about?
Can you imagine being on a flight listening to your iPod when all of a sudden you see this really hot girl duck-walking down the aisle? From now on I’m always asking for an aisle seat. You never know when lightening could strike again. You don’t see this shit with your head resting on a pillow against the window.
Oh. My. God. There is a video. And I just watched it. It’s spectacular.
Oscar, you my friend are the David Blaine of sexy time. This girl is trying to sleep and you spoon her, lift her shirt and walk away. What so magical? She didn’t feel it until he was walking away!
“Now for my next trick I’m going to need a volunteer from the audience."
And how the fuck does Mark (“Victim’s Boyfriend”) feel? Who gives an interview in this situation? And smiles? I think he thinks it’s hilarious. Too bad for him he’ll never live this down.
You see folks there are a number of moments in your life that just dictate your legacy. You either make or miss the big shot. You hit the jackpot or you don’t buy a ticket. A quarter of an inch more and it would have went in. A quarter of an inch the other way and it would have missed completely. I can’t think of a comparable metaphor for Mark’s situation.
I know if some random off-duty airline employee – wait. I’m going to edit that. I don’t care what the guy does for a living. I don’t care if it’s Ron Jeremy or my retarded cousin Keith, if somebody jerks off on my girlfriend it’s the last story I’m going to tell.
When your girlfriend calls you and tells you some guy just sidled up to her, cuddled, pulled up her shirt, finished his business and walked away you DO show up at the airport to try and make her forget the fact that she was just treated like an old copy of Playboy. You DO tell her that it’s alright and that you still love her. You DO try to make her forget about it.
You, however, DO NOT say yes to an interview request from a television station. As far as Mark should be concerned this was his 9/11. Fight Club rules apply. Rule number 1 – you do not talk about some random guy coming on your half asleep girlfriend. Rule number 2 – you do not talk about some random guy coming on your half asleep girlfriend.
…And about this half asleep thing. What? Did she think she was dealing with a bear? Just play dead and don’t make eye contact! Or was it more like in Joe Dirt where little Joe Dirt’s leg is getting humped by the old lady’s dog? “He’ll stop humping when he’s done.”
I mean, at what point of a stranger spooning you do you say something? Maybe she didn’t want to be rude? I mean what the fuck? Either she was asleep or not. Sleep or not, there is no try.
This isn’t like having your pocket picked. “What just happened!? I’m so confused. I swear I just had my wallet in my pocket – now it’s gone?”
Is this girl dumb? “I swear, I was sitting there in my ultra-comfortable NWA set with the tray table up and it all just happened in the blink of an eye! Before I knew it I had been spooned, jerked off on and he was out the door! I thought this only happens in high school.” Maybe she had a tattoo of a butterfly on her lower back and this guy just thought she would like it. I don’t know.
Anyway, enough about that poor girl who will be asking for a squeegee extension pack for Christmas.
Back to her dumbass boyfriend who – and I cannot stress this enough – went on television and did an interview about his girlfriend getting intimate with a guy who apparently handles more than just the baggage on some flights.
Seriously, Northwest Airlines should start including wet naps in their amenity bags.
Mark’s life is effectively over. There is no coming back from this. This just goes to show how dumb people are and how much they love the idea of being on television.
Actually, I know exactly how Mark will feel for the rest of his life. Remember Jason Biggs’ line in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back after Jay refers to him as “the pie fucker?”
"You see, man? You see? It's never it's never 'Hey, hey, you were in Loser, weren't you? or 'Dude, you rocked in Boys and Girls.' NO, it always comes back to that fuckin' pie. I'm haunted by it!"
That sums up the rest of Mark's life. There is nothing he could possibly do at any point for the rest of his life that will erase this from people's memories. Here's some examples:
Situation 1: Mark destroys his friend Bob in a heated game of Madden.
Mark: "Oh boy! I sure did whoop your ass, Bob-O! How does it feel?"
Bob: "Fuck this shit. I'm going to jerk off on your girlfriend."
Situation 2: Mark survives the biggest field in World Series of Poker history to win the 2011 Main Event.
Norman Chad: "Congratulations, Mark, you've just won 24 million dollars and outlasted the biggest field in WSOP history. How does it feel?"
Mark: "Oh, man. I don't know what to day. This is just unbeli "
Spectator: "I guess he can finally buy his girlfriend a real pearl necklace!"
Situation 3: Mark and his buddies are sitting around their apartment and there is only one beer left. Mark grabs it.
Mark: "You guys don't mind if I grab the last brew do ya?"
Jim: Sure, as long as you don't mind me jerking off on your girlfriend while she tries to sleep in her seat on an airplane."
Situation 4: Mark gets married. The best man is giving a toast. (We'll call his future wife Amanda Smith.)
Best Man: "I've known Mark since college. I can't imagine there being a nicer guy int he world. He'd do anything for his friends. I was so happy when he found this special girl. I was a little surprised when he got engaged after only being together for a year. I asked Mark if he wasn't even a little bit scared of getting married? Mark said, 'No, I love her man.' It was heartwarming to see such a hound settle down. I mean back in college, Mark and I, we were pretty popular with the ladies just kidding Mr. Smith! Ha! Seriously though, I was talking to Amanda last night about how excited she was to get into her wedding dress and walk to the Alter. She sai "
Drunk friend who has always secretly loved Mark: "It's no big deal! It's not the first time she's walked down an aisle covered in white!"
Best Man: Enjoy the reception!