It was a dark and stormy night. Kyle Wooten lay asleep at 9:30PM in his Blue Collar Comedy pajamas with the feet. His chest hairs creeped out from the neck of his PJ top, and began to glow. The glowing illuminated Kyle's room and he woke up, startled at the light glowing from his chest, and now his beard.

The wind outside picked up, and his window flew open. Bathed in the light of his bedroom was CHUCK NORRIS!

"Rise, my son!" Bellowed the Great Chuck as he outstreched his arms towards Wooten, who in the sight of him, soiled his Blue Collar PJ bottoms.

Wooten stood, pants sagging, and bowed to Chuck. " Forgive me, sir, but I already have a father. His name is Toney Wooten, and I love him very much. No one can replace him, not even you, oh Great One."

Chuck, moved by his future pupil's love, walked to a frightened Wooten and hugged him. By magic, his once soiled pants were now clean. The trail behind him had even disappeared from the floor. " Yes, Kyle, he is indeed your father. But 23 years ago I planted my divine seed in a deserving man. He met your mother in a biblical sense, and passed my seed into the world, creating you. It's like immaculate conception, except that someone actually did bang."

Kyle was very disturbed by being forced to think about his parents banging. But the Divine Word had been spoken, and he needed some proof. " How do I know this isn't a dream? What are the benefits of being from your seed?"

Chuck laughed at his questions, and gazed at him in a way a father looks at his son before he teaches him not to hand the stripper a fiver on the first time around. "My son, go in the bathroom and shave your beard."

Kyle went to the bathroom and began to shave off his beard. 45 minutes later, his face was as smooth as an underage bottom. And just as inviting.

Chuck smiled at the time it took for him to shave his beard. Although he is the Mighty One, it takes him 30 minutes to shave his beard, so Wooten was only 15 minutes behind him. "Say you want your beard back, and watch in the mirror."




"I want my beard back. Well, shheeeiit!" Wooten watched amazement as his beard grew before his eyes, grabbed a cell phone out of nowhere, and called his girlfriend, Brooke. It proceeded to handle the call with her, inviting her over or some sweet sweet lovin. Wooten had never spoken so smoothly.

"See? Now, you show your little lady who's boss. I'll be watching from outside." Chuck laughs" Just playing, see you tomorrow. We have lots of things to do, with so little time."

"Double damn," said Wooten."Looks like I got a job to do. See you tomorrow, Chuck. Is it okay if I call you Chuck. Like I said, I already have a dad."

"Your nobility makes you a magnificent man, Kyle. You may call me Master. I was only letting you call me Chuck earlier cause I didnt want to scare you off. But from now on, it's Master. Give her hell." He turned for the window.

"One more thing, my son. If you noticed, your soul patch was the first to come in. It is called a soul patch for a reason. The whole flavor saver thing was a myth to redirect the truth elsewhere. Never give away your soul, or you will lose your patch, and along with it all of your powers. I have been alive for an unnamed amount of time, and have managed to never bare my soul. That is why I am a strong man, a badass, and that is why there are facts about me on the internet. You want facts about you on the internet, don't you?

Kyle Wooten is a man who wears his heart on his sleeve. He couldn't imagine living his life as a lone, roaming soul. Sure Chuck could do it, but Kyle preferred not. But he did want to have interesting facts on the internet. So he basically sells his soul to Chuck without even knowing. "I love the internet. I would love to be Googled."

"Very well. Then do not forget what I say." Chuck knows all, and knew what was in Kyle's heart. But if anyone should have his soul, it should be him, he reasoned. Then the powers could be harnessed forever.

He disappeared, but not without trading Wootens bed out for a heart-shaped vibrating bed, and changing out his Cross Canadian Ragweed CDs for Barry Manilow.

Wooten brushed his beard into place as he let in his lady. He had a rough night ahead of him, he was going to be busy, testing out his Kung Fu Grip. He decided to take it easy, because he knew his day with Chuck would take a lot out of him.
"It is called a soul patch for a reason. The whole flavor saver thing was a myth to redirect the truth elsewhere."
"Rise, my son"