The shit is going down, and down hard, at the Russian consulate. None too pleased at Jack giving him non-elective Ronnie Lott surgery, Markov gets his pinky taped and orders Jack to be killed. However, he’s employed an idiot to do it, Vasily something, who decides to ask permission before pulling the trigger, just enough of a delay for Jack to Indy-style whip his belt around the guy’s wrist and shoot him dead. So, Jack’s on the loose, taking suckas hostage and demanding to use the phone.

The other main storyline is Logan visiting Martha to get her to call the Russian president’s wife. Martha is in an asylum and apparently hooked up with Agent Pierce, who has lost fifty pounds, is hooked up with some off-Saks gear, but still looks like shit. After about thirty seconds of awkwardness and crazy-style chopping up of kiwis, Martha drops the awkward bomb and stabs Logan in the collarbone. Unless Logan’s plan was to bleed to death on a couch covered in healthful snacks, I think it’s fair to say he failed, bad. Another few minutes go by before Martha calls the Russian president’s wife, and this, combined with Markov’s grimacing defiance, convinces the Russian president to agree to allow CTU to kill everyone at the consulate.

Basically, the Russians are a joke at this point. What happened to these
guys? Remember when the Soviets were scary as hell? Sure, there was a period between World War II and the wall coming down that their main job apparently was to get James Bond laid, but there was a time when fucking with the Kremlin meant your brother’s head was getting shipped to your house with a nasty note stapled to it. Watching this debacle, however, what with Boris the Blade drinking all day in an airplane graveyard in the desert (homeless dudes have more on their plate) and the consulate staff being unable to contain an unconscious guy, not to mention the Russian premier or whatever handing the consulate over to Silver Spoons on a tip from the institutionalized ex-wife of a guy who’s main job was to almost cause nerve gas to be dumped on Moscow, it’s just pathetic. Russia is no more a playa than the NHL is a major sport: both are slow, boring, involve ice, and you don’t even know what channel they’re on.

Back at CTU, Ricky Schroder is in from Fort Bragg to kick ass and/or take names. Bragg’s an army base, which narrows Ricky’s job down to either being a stoned cook that vandalized my car or a Delta-force psychopath. Given his haircut and his propensity for choking Morris for back-talk, I’m going with the latter. Anyway, Ricky figures out how to take down the consulate, again, not too tough a task when you can basically roll thirty dudes up to the back wall of the joint undetected. As Logan flatlines, Ricky busts in and many Russians eat cold death sucka.

At the bunker, Powers Boothe bullies Lennox into framing Assad in order to assist him in his plot to nuke the Middle East. Whatever.

Big problems for next week as Boris has met with Fayed, and the first drone is launched. What’s the target? Probably not anywhere near the Russian consulate, since everyone in on the plot is pretty comfy there and not making excuses to skip out early or anything. Come to think of it, it’s probably a good place to wait this thing out.

Straight from the headlines: Actors Chad “Hilary Swank Dumped Me” Lowe and Fisher “Michelle Pfeiffer Was Clearly Out Of My League” Stevens, along with Rob “I Still Have a Career” Morrow, drifted off-course during a charity ski event over the weekend and had to be rescued by a ski patrol, and it made the fucking news. I cannot imagine a lamer ski trip crew.




Proposed Kimeo: Assuming the worst after the destruction of Valencia, Kim

could have escaped to the hills with Patrick Swayze to form a band of guerrilla high-school kids like in “Red Dawn”, complete with Swayze wasting C. Thomas Howell and Kim wearing an utterly impractical camouflage outfit that leaves little to the imagination.





Question of the week:
What the hell is Ricky Schroder doing here? Is he going to kick ass or be a typical government douche? Is he qualifed to say DAMMIT CHLOE, or should he go back to breakin' with Alfonso? Submit your awesome predictions here or at craftinvegas@gmail.com!