We all remember "Hook," the adventure film from the mid-90s in which Robin Williams plays a middle-aged Peter Pan. Recently, a cleaning lady at Dreamworks was tidying up Steven Spielberg's office when she stumbled across a script for "Hook II." I managed to gain access to three different pages from the screenplay.

—- Page 4. INT. NURSING HOME – NIGHT —-

TINKERBELL flutters through the window and lands on PETER PAN’S walker.

Tinkerbell: Come on, Peter! There’s so much fun to be had!
Peter: Eh? What? Are we going to do a crossword?
Tinkerbell: No…
Peter: Watch public television?
Tinkerbell: No.
Peter: Television these days has too many colors.
Tinkerbell: What’s wrong with you? You used to be fun! You used to fly!
Peter: It’s not safe to fly these days, what with all the Negroes and Ko-reans trying to come in and give us what-for.
Tinkerbell: What’s that ringing?
Peter: Oh, my hearing aide must be acting up again.
Tinkerbell: I hate you.
Peter: Are you Wendy?

— Page 42. EXT. LOST BOYSHIDEAWAY – DAY —

Lost Boys: Food fight!!
Peter: Oh, I already ate supper at 3:30.
Lost Boys: What?
Peter: If I eat later, it upsets my ulcer.
Lost Boys: What did you eat? Fantastical fudge and unicorn steaks?
Peter: Processed peas. And I brought you some Werthers hard candies.
Lost Boys: Eww.

(A small child walks over to Peter and begins to massage his face curiously.)


Lost Boys: Is it really him? Is it?
Child: He smells like car freshener and cat feet.
Peter: You kids like Pinochle? When I was younger I’d ppffffgggtt.
Rufio: His teeth fell out!
Lost Boys: Rufio! Rufio! RU-FI-OOOOO!

— Page 98. EXT. CAPTAIN HOOK’S SHIP – DAY —

Hook: Finally, Pan, we will end this once and for all!
Peter: Into my good ear, please.
Hook: I – I said “Finally Pan, we will end this once and for all!”
Peter: Well in that case, I’ll have the mashed potatoes.
Hook: I said I’ll kill you!
Peter: Well, there’s no need to shout.
Hook: (raising his sword) En garde!
Peter: In my day, being a sailor was something to be proud of. None of this fancypants carousing. It was honest work, and we –
Hook: I’ll slice you up and feed you to the giant squids!
Peter: For heaven’s sake, running around with swords like a bunch of Japs. I’ll be damned if Harry Truman didn’t –
Hook: Pan, listen. Can’t we just –
Peter: Milk was a nickel and every Saturday I would go down to the creek and catch crawdads in a bottle.

(Captain Hook stabs himself.)


Lost Boys: He did it! He bored Captain Hook to death!
Peter: I’m late for Pinochle.