Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Hook II: Peter Pan is 96
March 14, 2007
We all remember "Hook," the adventure film from the mid-90s in which Robin Williams plays a middle-aged Peter Pan. Recently, a cleaning lady at Dreamworks was tidying up Steven Spielberg's office when she stumbled across a script for "Hook II." I managed to gain access to three different pages from the screenplay.
- Page 4.
flutters through the window and lands on
Come on, Peter! There’s so much fun to be had!
Eh? What? Are we going to do a crossword?
Watch public television?
Television these days has too many colors.
What’s wrong with you? You used to be fun! You used to fly!
It’s not safe to fly these days, what with all the Negroes and Ko-reans trying to come in and give us what-for.
What’s that ringing?
Oh, my hearing aide must be acting up again.
I hate you.
Are you Wendy?
Oh, I already ate supper at 3:30.
If I eat later, it upsets my ulcer.
What did you eat? Fantastical fudge and unicorn steaks?
Processed peas. And I brought you some Werthers hard candies.
(A small child walks over to Peter and begins to massage his face curiously.)
Is it really him? Is it?
He smells like car freshener and cat feet.
You kids like Pinochle? When I was younger I’d ppffffgggtt.
His teeth fell out!
Rufio! Rufio! RU-FI-
Finally, Pan, we will end this once and for all!
Into my good ear, please.
I – I said “Finally Pan, we will end this once and for all!”
Well in that case, I’ll have the mashed potatoes.
I said I’ll kill you!
Well, there’s no need to shout.
(raising his sword)
In my day, being a sailor was something to be proud of. None of this fancypants carousing. It was honest work, and we –
I’ll slice you up and feed you to the giant squids!
For heaven’s sake, running around with swords like a bunch of Japs. I’ll be damned if Harry Truman didn’t –
Pan, listen. Can’t we just –
Milk was a nickel and every Saturday I would go down to the creek and catch crawdads in a bottle.
(Captain Hook stabs himself.)
He did it! He bored Captain Hook to death!
I’m late for Pinochle.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.