Recently a truck driver from Georgia won the $390 Mega Million jackpot. Are you gonna let him take your hard earned money like that!? He called you a "dumb-ass city slicker" too! Anyway, if you're looking to win, and I mean, really win, I've decided to share my fool proof, never fail, cannot miss lotto tips.

All I ask is that you think of me when you purchase your first 25 segways for your personal segway zoo/entertainment center.

Melanie's Fool Proof Never Fail Lottery Tips

  • If you don't say, "I'm feelin' lucky!" when you buy the ticket, you will lose. And you have to say it like you mean it.
  • The more heartwarming your story will be, the more likely you are to win. So you might want to consider cutting off your own legs before buying the ticket.
  • Only play when the jackpot reaches $100M or higher. You're only going to win once, so don't waste it on some lame $96M prize. After taxes and a few sweet parties that will leave you with less than $30M to play with. Not worth it.
  • You're more likely to win if God wants for you to win. And if you still haven't won, it's because you're doing something to piss Him off.
  • If anyone questions your buying lotto tickets, tell them the money goes to support schools. The same schools who did such a poor job teaching you math that you think this is a good gamble.
  • Don't try to put five dollars on red. That's roulette, and the convenience store clerk will have no idea what you're talking about
  • You have about a one in 175 million chance at winning regardless of how many tickets you buy, so don't waste your money by purchasing multiple tickets with the same numbers.
  • A fortune cookie's lucky numbers has never resulted in a lotto victory. The running time to "Lucky Numbers" Starring Lisa Kudrow and John Travolta has netted dozens of "Daily Three" victories.
  • It may seem like setting up a ping-pong ball machine in your living room could help you simulate the winners beforehand, but this tactic only picks the full jackpot number around a third of the time.
  • If baby needs a new pair of shoes, don't worry: this ticket's going to come through.
  • If you do end up winning, tell the government you'd like to exercise your right to let it ride by collecting your winnings in the form of lotto tickets.
  • Tell God that if you win you'll give half the money to charity. Then when it happens, say "Sucker!" and buy a giraffe.
  • The Powerball is always 19. It's amazing how many people haven't noticed that.
  • Instead of buying a lotto ticket a day, put that money in a bank account, then after 10 years, buy 3,500 lotto tickets in a day or two. Feels so good to hold that much opportunity. One time. Come on baby, one time.
  • You get a job, you dumb bitch. I put food on this table!
  • If you have trouble conceiving of the prize's size, put it in terms of what's important to you. The Powerball tonight is 165 million? That'll buy over 30 million pints of cheap bourbon!
  • You should only buy lotto tickets from Korean ladies. They tend to be magical.
  • If your ticket doesn't win, go double or nothing. That way, by the time you've been playing for a few years, you'll hold at least $5000 worth of tickets for each drawing.
  • Don't ever let the store pick your numbers at random. If it were any good at picking numbers it wouldn't be a store, it would probably be a rich human.
  • When you win, make sure to put two stamps on the envelope when you send your ticket in. It's better to be safe than sorry!