The Drunken Blog

It was a nice day out the other day and I was still recovering from my night in Baltimore for my friend’s birthday. I find that going for a walk is a decent enough substitute for the only known cure for a hangover, which is, of course, to continue drinking. However, when you are the only one around that can be a bit of an alchie move, and this is the drunken blog, not the alcoholic blog. There is a big distinction there.

The biggest difference between a drunk and an alcoholic is truly semantic. Alcoholics go to meetings, drunks also go to meetings, but those meetings are with friends at bars with lots of alcohol involved. One might say that an alcoholic is a quitter. There is even a term for functional alcoholics. I have no clue who made up this term, but it is pretty redundant. Alcoholics don’t drink anymore, so of course they can function. What there should really be is a functional drunk – that would be me.

It is important to know that while you can be a functional drunk, it’s only a short step from there to becoming an alcoholic – and who wants to quit drinking? This middle step in between functional drunk and alcoholic doesn’t have a name, so I’ll name it “Forced Unemployment because I get Crappy Krunked Every Day” or F.U.C.K.E.D. for short. We know that you don’t want to get F.U.C.K.E.D. so here are some signs to look out for.

If you find yourself drinking by yourself you might be F.U.C.K.E.D. Always remember that while it’s true that you can self medicate with alcohol, the only condition that is safe to self medicate for is social anxiety. Alcohol is, after all, a social lubricant. If you feel the need to get drunk by yourself get some real pills – talk to your local street corner pharmacist. They’ll set you up with something nice.

If you start missing work because of your drinking, you might be F.U.C.K.E.D. One of the reasons that people party is to alleviate the stress of the workweek. This is not an actual side effect of the alcohol; it is a side effect of the party. Although the alcohol does help you have more fun at the party, don’t get these confused. If you start drinking so much that you go into work hung-over or you miss work altogether, you are going to get in even more trouble at work, you are going to party harder, and therefore drink more when you go to parties. This will of course lead to you missing more work and getting in more trouble. It’s a downward spiral that only people that are F.U.C.K.E.D. get into.

There are other signs, many of which I ignore because I probably do them constantly, but these are the two tell-tail signs that I personally watch out for.

I didn’t originally set out to talk about this subject matter, so allow me to get back to the topic at hand. When I was on my walk the other day, I saw a lady walking a dog. She was attractive, but I could tell she was wearing makeup. Who wears makeup to walk their dog? It is reminiscent of girls at the gym with makeup on. There was one big difference here, though. This lady was also wearing perfume. And not just a little bit, either. She was wearing enough so that I could be passing by her with a good 4 feet of clearance on a windy day and smell the perfume that she was wearing.

There’s only one explanation for a girl that gets this dolled up to walk her dog – she’s had a rough time and she wants to drink away her stress, which will shortly lead to her getting F.U.C.K.E.D.