Maybe I'm one of those paranoid types, or maybe I am too easily influenced by TV commericals and late-summer popcorn flicks. Either way, I know evil incarnate when I see it.

Friends, Justin Long MUST be stopped before his so-called innocent career results in world-wide cataclysm.

Who is Justin Long, you may ask? Boy, I don't envy your blissful ignorance. Justin Long is the star of such films as "Accepted" and "Waiting." He may very well be the Devil himself.

How do I know this? It all started several months ago when I first began seeing those Apple commercials starring Long and some nerdy guy. I was running a spyware check on my Microsoft OS-based computer and noticed I had like a hundred trojans worming around on my laptop. Lately, it's been shutting down for no reason, and directing me to error messages I can't understand. I am flabergasted. Microsoft has ALWAYS worked perfect for me…until Long came along. I would buy a Mac, but then that would be exactly what Long wants.

Now I see his little gameplan. His first step is to topple Bill Gates, crashing the global economic order into ruins. Who knows what further mayhem he has planned. I believe his ultimate goal is to bring the whole world entirely under his command.

Consider the titles of his recent movies and their implications. "Accepted." Yeah, I bet he does want us to submit to his totalitarian reign without question, most maniacal madmen do. Then there's "Waiting." How ominous is that? Like he's just "waiting" for us to turn the other way before he springs his attack.

I am urging everyone not to be seduced by his charming (yet amazingly obnoxious) comedy films. Only together can we resist his Evil Empire and diabolical schemes before it's too late.

I'll keep a watchful eye for further developments from Satan's possible apprentice. If I should suddenly disappear, remember that I made a stand, and tried to help others (also, if you wouldn't mind, delete my hard drive so my family won't find my ten gigabytes of porn; that'd be pretty embarassing). Stay strong.