Hi there, Mr. Milne. I see you have a claim about some water and fire damage, so lets have a look. I see here that you claim to have been using your fireplace to roast marshmallows with orphans, but I also see some firecrackers and gasoline on your windowsill. Would you like to explain this?

Hmm, alright, I guess it is possible that the maintenance men were using the gasoline to take the smoke damage off the wall, and it's also perfectly reasonable that a one-legged orphan left his firecrackers here so they wouldn't be stolen, but something else that concerns me is your claim about your computer monitor. It says here that it endured some water damage, but the screen has clearly been smashed in with what looks like some kind of mallet or hammer. What's this all about?

Alright, I do see the sprinklers now, and yes, they do look kind of heavy duty. I guess if they really can put water out at 500 PSI, that might account for your broken monitor. But you also say that your computer is worth over 3000 dollars. Sir, I have the same computer at home, and I don't think it's worth anymore than 400…. What's that? Hmm, well, I guess that it is a pretty cool repair job you did to it, and yeah, if you have been using it to put your beer down on for the past 3 years, I guess it could have doubled as a table. OK, 3000 dollars it is.

A final concern of mine is your claim to have lost a 100 000 dollar faberge egg to water damage, but I don't see any remnants of it …Oh, well, I guess I have never owned an egg like this, and if you really say that they are that soluble, I have no grounds to deny that, but what about the diamonds that you claim were embedded in it? Surely those didn't dissolve.

Alright, yes, I do see that pile of clear, shiny shards. I'm sorry, I just assumed that they were the broken pieces of a corona bottle, as some of them clearly have portions of the word "corona" on them…. Umm, well, no, I never have heard of the 'beer bottle' diamond cut, but then again, I'm no jeweler, haha. I guess I have no choice but to give you your money.

Alright Mr. Milne, it has been a pleasure meeting you, and you will recieve your cheque for 125 000 dollars in about a week. You'll have to excuse me though, as I have some pressing matters to attend to. A Nigerian prince is in need……..