You've been waiting for it all summer – the first weekend back on campus. Get out there and go crazy, but remember to stay safe. Just in case you forgot, here are some tips for proper condom usage:

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  • Some people think using two condoms is safer than using one. This is, of course, true. Why stop there? Three condoms is better than two, and four are better than three. This continues all the way up to eight. Don't use more than eight, unless she's really dirty.
  • By the time you finally meet a girl, you may be too drunk to find or even put on a condom. This has the potential to be very embarrassing, so remember to put on at least five condoms before leaving your apartment.
  • If no condom is handy, find and disembowel the nearest lamb and use his or her intestine. DO NOT use the large intestine unless you are unusually well endowed.
  • Have fun, and remember not to take advice from websites seriously.