I'm going to admit something to you, America. I used to be a huge fan of Tragic Kingdom. Back in 5th grade, as far as I was concerned, No Doubt could do No Wrong. Sometimes I look back on my 10-year-old, body-glitter-as-eye-make-up-wearing self and I think, "Self, that's a great pair of royal blue platform Sketchers sneakers you're wearing. Now, why I called is-" and at that point, I see 10-year-old me covering her ears with her hands and yelling, "Sorry! I'm not home right now! I'm walking into spider webs, but leave a message and I'll call you back!" 10-year-old me is kind of an asshole.
Also, and I know this is a really unpopular opinion, but up until tonight I was convinced the Gwen Stefani was one of the most beautiful women in America. I'm not going to bother to defend that opinion, first of all because it's a matter of taste, and secondly because after I saw her on Idol tonight, I became convinced that she's actually not a woman at all. Guys, Gwen Stefani is a robot. A really, really boring robot. And without her signature red lipstick, she looks like she has no mouth. And she's stupid.
1. LaKisha "Flashdance"
I know it's pretty had to be boring on a song that contains both the words "flash" and "dance" in the title, but despite the fact that she had stacked her deck, I think LaKisha did a good job tonight. I'm back to liking her and wishing she would get some cosmetic dentistry.
2. Chris S. "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"
I've lost all the faith I once had in this dweeb. First he lied about being adept at various needle-based arts, and then he couldn't even stay with the beat on this song. Really, Chris? At any given moment, someone in the world is singing this song in the shower. Not even along with the radio, just singing it. And they're probably closer to being on the beat than you. Then he made up some shit about having to "learn about music" and not just "open his mouth and let pleasant sounds fall out" and "think while also walking around holding the mic stand like an idiot." Also he looks like the live-action incarnation of the improbable love child of Governor Ratcliffe and his pug, Percy.
3. Gina "I'll Stand By You"
Gina actually did a really good job. She managed to stand still and not point unnecessarily, and this song suited her voice. Or vice versa. I still can't like her because she's still a giant poser, and when I say "giant," I'm referring specifically to the way her flesh seems to be encased in her clothing every week like ground-up animal parts in so much pig intestine.
4. Sanjaya "Bathwater"
No words should have sent a poet
You're lucky people only
Care about your hair.
Hey? Maybe next week,
You could try relying
On your "talent," whore.
5. Haley "True Colors"
Leave it to Butterface to manage to sing poorly the only song in the entire universe that I thought, up until this point, was literally impossible to screw up. Cyndi Lauper did it all upbeat, Eva Cassidy did it all mellow, and thousands of other people, like the ones who record it to play over a 30-second commercial-slot-filling "message" about the Boys and Girls Club of America, have managed to make it unassuming yet beautiful. All Butterface managed to do was look hot in a minidress and remind me of being in the waiting room of my orthodontist's office.
6. Phil "Every Breath You Take"
I hate to say it, but Phil sounded kind of awesome tonight. This song really suited him. For the first time this season, I found myself willing to look past his habits of being a lousy husband and father, his bulging eyes, his misshapen and hairless head, and his apparent membership to the Stupid Hat of the Week Club, and admit that I maybe wouldn't mind listening to that again. Just as long as I wouldn't have to look at him.
7. Melinda "Heaven Knows"
Can Melinda even wear necklaces? What would happen if she had lived in Elizabethan times, when they wore those big, stiff, frilly collars? Who decided that Gwen Stefani was enough of a musical authority to try to teach these people about singing? Such questions may never be answered. (Obviously Melinda was awesome, as usual, despite the fact that I have no idea in which part of her body her vocal chords could possibly be contained.)
8. Blake "Love Song"
Dear Blake/The Cure,
I will always love you. I will always love you.
9. Jordin "Hey Baby"
This song is kind of an unlikely choice to perform for a singing competition, since it basically only requires that the performer be able to dance and shout, but of course Jordin tricked me into believing that it was actually an acceptable vehicle to showcase her glorious vocal abilities. On a marginally related note, she looked adorable, as always.
10. Chris R. "Don't Speak"
I love TimberFAKE, don't get me wrong, but, as I said before, I also really used to love No Doubt. I think the primary reason was the unassuming clarity and simplicity of Ms. Stefani's voice. TimberFAKE, apparently, is incapable of willing himself to not go off on a bunch of weird little baby runs on every note, which, while allowing him to "make the song his own," also kind of negates any reason I may have originally had for liking it. I guess what I'm saying is, why the hell didn't any of these clowns sing "If I Were a Rich Girl"? At least that wouldn't have marred the soundtrack to every memory I have of 5th grade.
Bottom Three Predictions: Chris S., Haley, Sanjaya (pfft)
Elimination Prediction: Haley