Keepin’ it real continues to go wrong for President Palmer, as Powers Boothe calls in the cabinet to relieve him of his job. After about a minute of deliberations, the cabinet (consisting of 13 old white dudes and one black chick with a blowout – dog, you gotta get more brothers on the cabinet, what were you thinking?) ends up in a tie, so Palmer’s safe until Boothe reminds everyone that Karen Hayes resigned, so she can’t vote, leaving Palmer in the minority. While Karen stomps around so brusquely that little puffs of dust fly out of her orifices, Lennox recommends that they leave this mess up to the Supreme Court. Out of respect for his awesome work in Dragonslayer, the cabinet concurs, and this boring shit comes to a stop for a couple of minutes.
At CTU, Milo has given up on the arm-sling entirely so he can more effectively sexually harass Nadia. This scene is mercifully cut short just before I jam a fork in my right eye by Ricky calling Nadia up to the office, where he sort of apologizes for slapping her around earlier (always an awkward conversation) and gets her to help him find out if Milo was responsible for the Russian hack earlier by not using the right security parameters. Nadia finds out that Ricky’s right as usual, but Ricky blows her mind by helping cover up Milo’s mistake, keeping him out of jail and employed. By way of explanation, Ricky quotes the Quran, which he’s apparently read (along with the Bible and some other made-up book) in an effort to find some “answers”, as if cruising around shooting and torturing people has left him spiritually conflicted or something. The only possible reason Ricky would try to recast himself as a philosophical badass (like a poor man’s Swayze from Roadhouse) is to sleep with Nadia, and it’s a plan so crazy it just might work.
The big deal, of course, is Jack using Gredenko to find Fayed. Gredenko calls Fayed, who insults him a few times before telling him to get his drunk Russian ass to the somehow abandoned Santa Monica pier in ten minutes. Jack gets Gredenko there, puts a wire on him and implants his arm with a tracking device. Gredenko hooks up with Fayed, loses the wire, and tells Fayed he’s got a plan for them both to get out alive. So you know the plan’s going to be pretty good right? That sneaky Russian . Oh, whoops, no, the plan sucks all kinds of dick. Part one was apparently for Fayed to chop Gredenko’s fucking arm off with an axe (at least anesthesia was unnecessary, given that Gredenko at this point is rolling on about thirty drinks and a tranq dart to the neck), and then have the whole crew run outside into a gunfight. As Fayed’s crew gets shot by Jack, Gredenko and Fayed hit a crowded bar, where Gredenko – who has left part of a coat sleeve and a massive blood trail behind him – tells the locals that Fayed is the terrorist. Fayed tries to shoot Gredenko (does this guy dodge bullets in all his films?), shoots a guy at the bar instead, and proceeds to get his ass kicked (Welcome to the O.C., bitch!) until Jack busts in and arrests him. Meanwhile, Gredenko has fled to the beach under the pier, where he collapses into the surf and probably dies. If you missed it, you’re pretty pissed off, because the whole sequence was fucking outstanding.
Back in Washington, Veep Boothe is pretty sure he’s going to lose in the Supreme Court thing, but his “assistant” offers to commit perjury to help him out, and he’s cool with it. A few seconds later, Lennox busts in and tells him that he got the whole thing on tape (seriously, if you’re a writer, that’s your job, and all you can come up with is the old “haha I got you on tape” trick, just kill yourself now), so he’d better drop this whole 25th amendment bullshit.
His balls firmly in the tiny grasp of Lennox, Boothe complies, and Palmer remains president just long enough to get a couple more adrenalin shots, suffer a schizophrenic break and decide to go ahead with the nuking of the Middle East! Whatever. Next week, Palmer yells at the Middle East president guy and collapses, Fayed escapes and Jack gets shot in the chest.
Continuity error: At the Santa Monica pier, Gredenko did not pass by a douchebag in sunglasses on a cell phone, nor was he almost accidentally whacked in the face by a Mexican guy with a fishing pole. It also would have been more convincing if he was eating a hot dog on a stick or something.
Contest winner announced: Although quite a few people sent in some nice insults for Milo, for the most part fitting a pattern that could easily be crafted into an Insult Generating Robot just for Milo (80s boy-band reference plus vague ethnic slur plus sex act that ends with Milo having shit on his face), there were a few strays (does Milo really look like Tony Kukoc?)
as well as a few pro-Milo posts. Overall, a good showing, but the winning ticket was held by Bears Fan Guy from Indiana (actual name unknown, and even his sig is a bit off-color, albeit hilarious). BFG’s insult, which involved an 80s boy-band reference, a vague ethnic slur, and Milo involved in a sex act that ends with him having shit on his face, wins him a sweet Jack Bauer lighter from eBay. Congrats, and thanks to everyone who participated. You’re all winners, ish.