Hey guys, sorry I've let your d*cks stay dry for this long. Let's not waste any more time. I've gotten you inside a plethora of women this year, but there's one girl we've been neglecting. And, friend, her time is now. It's time to bang your girlfriend.

Apologize: You've cheated on her a lot. You've been a deplorable boyfriend this year. And now it's time to make up it up to her, in the way of a thousand orgasms! And one for her too.

Beg her to take you back: "You're my world! You know that, you know that, Jessica. Please, don't do this to m- to us. Remember when I laid in your arms on the grass of Edgerton Park and told you it'd be like this forever? I made a promise, Jessica. I'm keeping that promise. I'm keeping that promise."

Cry: "GODDAMNIT Jessica, what have I done to deserve this?!" (Crumble into her arms and begin sobbing.) Wait until she loses her tenseness and embraces you. Soon she'll start rubbing your back, and that's when you start unbuttoning her pants.

Beg again: "Jessica please, I need this. We both need this. Remember when-" "Shut up." She'll say, "You had me at Remember when."

Reconnect with your first love: Then dump her. There are plenty of Jessica’s in the world.