Sometimes going out with friends can be a hassle.

There's always that one guy that's like "Dude, we need to find some chicks!" as if the rest of us hadn't thought about it. Yea, thanks for bringing that to our attention… I was thinking about spending another night alone placing moneyless bets against myself on whether my dick or my arm would fall off first as I embarked on a No-brakes Masturbation Marathon Rampage—-that is, until you came along and made me realize that it'd be a good idea to "find some chicks". Thanks…


And that guy—-you know one of these guys—-doesn't only say it once! It's like a constant ringing in my ears: "Let's pick up chicks." "We gotta get some girls." "Why don't you call some girls you know?" "I need to get laid tonight."

Yea, I get it. You haven't gotten a piece of action in months, making you disillusioned enough to think that by repeatedly telling me you need to get some that maybe—-if you're lucky (which you haven't been, so I wouldn't hold my breath)—-the magic chick-fairy will overhear you and flitter her way over to grant you a One-Fun-Night-With-A-Few-Chicks card…

…not gonna happen. Your incessant exploitation of freedom of speech acts as nothing more than a chick repellant, you tool. So why don't you go jerk off five or six times and come back when you're a little less annoying.

(For clarification: I definitely won't be there when he comes back—-this is where my old-school Hide n' Seek skills come into play.)

As if being ridiculously redundant and saying such a thing like "I wish we had some chicks with us" wasn't bad enough in and of itself, such phrases have the wretched tendency of making a night out somewhat tense—-as if there's no way the night is going to be fun just hanging out unless there's a few girls around… And ultimately, it ends up rendering the whole picking-up-chicks thing more of a chore than a natural impulse.

And chores suck.

Being a fulltime student makes… Correction, going to DeVry makes meeting women hard enough as it is—-days are filled with note-taking and trying to not fall asleep during lecture, nights fully occupied with studying and home work (and maybe some beer). Sometimes two weeks will go by before I realize I have let my social life fizzle…

…and by "fizzle" I mean my right hand is PMS'ing and complaining that all I care about is sex and—-yaddi yah, "you used to at least give me a massage before you objectified me like a psychotic, you bastard!"

So, when I do go out, why would I want to be feeling anxious and annoyed because this one guy refuses to be happy until we somehow convince a few girls we're cool enough guys to give the time to? They won't fall for it anyway, because "cool" guys don't stand around getting on their friend's nerves by saying "Where are all the chicks at?" over and over until, finally, I hand the insufferable twit a handgun and say, "They're in Heaven—-tons of 'em! All virgins too! I'll meet you there in five minutes."

Patiently, I wait for him to shoot himself.

After a few minutes pass by and he doesn't take the bait, I say, "I guess you're not going to shoot yourself, huh?"

He looks at the gun one more time and utters (in a tone that implies he's caught on to the fact that I think spending time with him is worse than getting my nuts stuck in a Chinese finger trap and is going to use that knowledge against me), "Nope."

"Well, it was worth a try… heh, heh—-" I silently pray that a meteorite will puncture my skull… A moment passes: no meteorite. I grab the pistol and say, "Maybe I'll go first."

Going out for a night on the town should foremost be for enjoyment, for some fun and excitement—-something to get the mind off of school and all those damned school-related pressures. If you aren't confident enough that you can have fun with or without chicks, then you've got a problem, my friend (and I use that term loosely, or to be more specific: I didn't mean "friend" at all). Although girls are usually the main thing on a guy's mind, one shouldn't let it get in the way of having a good time by putting so much emphasis on it.

Well, anyway… I could go on, repeating myself and making up more names (like Dingleberry and Irksome Prick) for Mr. Never-Gonna-Get-Laid, but there's no point. The moral of this story is: At 51 percent of the world population, girls will be there to get to know and to "pick up" if you're annoying or not—-and, hey, the world would be a better place if everyone opted "Not".

So, yea—-thanks for everything. Give me a call some time and we'll hang out…

…and by "hang out" I mean I won't answer my phone.