Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Hitler IMs Dr. Phil from the F
April 5, 2007
Date: April 30, 1945
Jewhater45: Hey, Dr. P? It’s all over for me, man.
Dr.P: What seems to be the problem Adolf?
Jewhater45: Those damn Soviets have gone and blasted Berlin to pieces. I’m trapped in this bunker, Eva Braun won’t shut the hell up about the clogged toilets, and you know something? I think I’d just be better off killing myself.
Dr.P: Whoa, whoa there Adolf. Hold on just a minute. You’re bouncing around faster than a frog on a hot kettle.
Jewhater45: Frog? What does this have to do with the French?
Dr.P: Let me ask you, why do you suppose the Soviets are doing this?
Jewhater45: Because they don’t believe in the vision of my Thousand Year Reich! The fools! They have the audacity to challenge me after—
Dr.P: Adolf, Adolf. Now stop and think for a second. Why do you suppose they’re really blowing Berlin to pieces? Don’t you think it may have something to do with the fact that you invaded their country? My Granddaddy always said, don’t poke the bear unless you’re sure you can out run him.
Jewhater45: Your Granddad was pretty smart. Was he a Jew?
Dr.P: I don’t think so.
Jewhater45: Don’t you agree with my plan for a better world of Aryan purity, where every man, woman and child is blue-eyed and blonde-haired?
Dr.P: Well, I think everyone ought to have goals and work to achieve them. Some may agree with your plan while others may not. The important thing is you do what makes you happy and fulfills your life. Now about these Soviets. I’m sure if you just approach them with an earnest apology, you might be able to settle this whole conflict right here and now.
Jewhater45: I don’t think it’s that simple.
Dr.P: That’s where you’re wrong. Adolf, did you ever hear the story of the chipmunk, the raccoon and the garter snake?
Jewhater45: What? Uh…no, I can’t say that I have.
Dr.P: Well one day this raccoon is playing in a garden. Or was it the chipmunk playing? I forget the story. Anyway, the point is, you shouldn’t let something as harmless as a garter snake spoil your fun when you’re playing in a garden.
Jewhater45: Who said anything about playing in a garden? The Soviets are about to roll in here and kill us all.
Dr.P: Well, worrying about it won’t do you any good. It’s like my Granddaddy said, why worry when you can churn butter? Do you have any butter down in that bunker, Adolf?
Jewhater45: Actually, we might. I think Eva used some in the mac and cheese she made last night. You know, I’ve never told anyone this, but I loves me some mac and cheese. If I had to pick between committing mass genocide and a lifetime supply of m and c, well…let’s just say the Yarmulke industry would be in better shape these days.
Dr.P: I think the important thing is that you find something you love and learn to cherish it. In years to come you’ll look back at the time you were trapped in a bunker and laugh to yourself. You know there’s an old expression where I come from. It goes, “Just because you’re trapped in a bunker doesn’t mean you should give up hope and kill yourself with a self-inflicted gunshot wound while simultaneously biting down on a cyanide tablet and then have others partially burn your body and bury you in a hasty fashion.”
Jewhater45: Hmmm…cyanide tablets. Why didn’t I think of those? Uhhh…what I meant was that’s an interesting saying. Sounds folksy.
Dr.P: It’s helped me many times when I’ve been in trouble.
Jewhater45: You’ve given me some great ideas here, Dr. P. I gotta run now. Soviets are getting closer.
Dr.P: You will remember to apologize to the Soviets, right Adolf? You’d be amazed at how far a little apology can go. Apologies are like Skittles. You don’t keep them all to yourself, you pass them out so everyone can enjoy them. Well, glad I could be of some help to you.
Dr.P: Adolf? You still there?
Jewhater45 has signed off
Dr.P is idle
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