Any donkey is a pinata if you like meat enough.
Empty Threats at the Orphanage
"If you don't settle down, we'll have to call your parents."
Red Hot Chili Peppers Writing Session
- Alright guys we need a new idea for our next album, something fresh
- California?
- Did it
- Sex?
- Did it
- … in California?
- BRILLIANT. Shirts off, everybody!
-Conor Sweeny
Unappreciative Discovery Channel Fan
If I wanted to see a documentary about Earth, I would open my eyes thank you very much! Then, I would purchase tickets to far end places of the globe and take a year off just to see some really amazing stuff, jerk-offs!
School Shooting or Team Shoot-Around?
"Great Shot Bobby, you nailed it!"
"Yeah, we all are shooting great!"
"I shot the quarterback in the chest and it looked like his chest exploded!"
My Grandfather Writes the SATs
An American male and an old Asian woman start a trip from Houston to Dallas at the same time. Joe is doing a steady 5 miles above the speed limit, while Li-Xing or whatever is doing 1/3 of that. How much shorter will Joe's trip be, if Li-Xing makes it at all?
Rejected Army Slogans
The U.S. Army: Because Natural Causes Are Gay.
Commonly Misheard Elton John Lyrics
"Hold me closer, Tony Danza"
"Your candle burned out long before Tony Danza ever did"
"I hope you don't mind that I put down in words / how wonderful life is while Tony Danza's in the world"
Backhanded Insults
Whatever bro, I could play the piano like that with years and years of practice and dedication.
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