Well last night I couldn't sleep, so my mind started wandering. In my lonely and sleep-deprived state, I concluded that my pink, high speed vibrator is more useful and dedicated than any man I've ever met/dated/slept with. So I have comprised a list of reasons why my vibrator is much better than a real man. All of these are based on experiences with ex's or other guys in my life, and if you know me well enough, you can probably figure out which guy is the culprit in every instance…so here goes.



My vibrator does not call me from jail asking for bail money…on 3 separate occasions.

My vibrator does not break up with me because he is worried what the guys in the locker room think about me.

My vibrator never ditches me on NFL Sunday to go home and watch football… with his mother.

My vibrator never asks me to pay his rent, child support, or buy him drugs.

My vibrator never rolls over immediately after sex and asks for my skinny blonde friend's phone number.

My vibrator is not an avid and practicing swinger.

My vibrator has NEVER lied to me about being married…EVER.

My vibrator never quits after one round…forcing me to roll over unsatisfied or finish the job off myself.

My vibrator never pokes my side if I've gained 5 pounds duing a bad month.

My vibrator would never break up with me for Jesus Christ.

My vibrator does not cum after 2.3 minutes, and claim he was "too excited".

My vibrator does not use excessive alcohol to get me in bed.

My vibrator does not tell all his other vibrator friends about intimate details of our sex life.

My vibrator never forces me to meet his parents.

My vibrator never puts up a fight about wearing a condom.

My vibrator does not have children.

My vibrator does not stalk me, threaten my life, or show up at my work at 11 pm demanding to know why I do not answer his phone calls.

My vibrator does not hit on my younger sisters.

My vibrator never asks to split the check at dinner.

My vibrator does not forget my birthday and claim he does not even remember his own parent's birthdays.

My vibrator does not have crazy bitch ex-girlfriend vibrators.

My vibrator never asks to add any other people to our sexual equation…and gets upset when I don't comply.

My vibrator does not claim that he will leave his girlfriend whom he "no longer loves anyways", just as soon as his vibrator daughters get a little older.

My vibrator does not find my mother sexually attractive.

My vibrator is never stupid enough to tell my father to "fuck off", forgetting that he is an ex-Marine and the impatient dad to 3 teenage daughters.

My vibrator does not deliberately put me in awkward positions by having his ugly friends hit on me, just to see my reaction and how I would respond to the situation.

My vibrator never makes me drive to him, he always comes to me.

My vibrator allows me to come to his apartment, and does not make shady excuses such as "my sister is living with me right now…so she is taking up the living room and making my place a mess".

My vibrator doesn't have less than a high school education.

My vibrator does not lie to me about my friend's who he has fucked.

My vibrator does not keep a running tab of the number of women he has slept with, and designate me "Lucky #25".

My vibrator never asks me if he can ejaculate in places on my body that should NEVER have semen on them.

My vibrator does not borrow my car for drug deals, and get pulled over by the police.

My vibrator does not tell me that he is going to come to my place on the weekends, and cancel at the last minute.

My vibrator does not talk shit about my friends.

My vibrator does not tell me that he will call me, and then mysteriously "lose" my number…which is programmed in his cell phone.

My vibrator does not go MIA for days, weeks, or even months at a time with no contact…and then pop up randomly and expect to be welcomed back.

My vibrator doesn't need to be told how to dress.

My vibrator never pays more attention to Alabama football's weekly stats than to me.




These are just a few reasons of I appreciate my rubber friend, and for $29.99 and two AA batteries, you can have one just like him!!!