Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
April 11, 2007
The end of the year is approaching soon and freshman all over the world are feeling accomplished at successfully taking on college life. However, I felt the need to compile a checklist of things that must be successful completed before the end of the year and you are granted any bragging rights. Below are two separate lists, one for guys and one for the ladies:
__ Lose that virginity, I mean seriously. Non-virgins can spot a virgin from a poorly told sex story away and your insistence on lying about hook ups is not only awkward but creepy too. Amanda says it never happened.
__ Stop wearing a swimsuit to take a shower in the community bathroom. Be a man and embrace your inadequacies.
__ Dump the high school girlfriend. Mainly because she is still in high school loser.
__ Chug beer every method imaginable. Beer bong, shotgun, keg stand etc. However, don’t act like you can drink/chug more than you really can. Secretly pouring our beer to impress your friends is an offense punishable by death.
__ Quit quoting every popular movie in every conversation. It is annoying as piss. I saw the movie too asshole and it was way better when Will Farrell said it.
__ Obtain a poorly made fake ID and when you have it taken by a bouncer offer to arm wrestle him for it back.
__ Visit at least two other colleges and party like you’re never going to see these people again, because you’re most likely not.
__ Stop trying to have a deep philosophical conversation every time you get stoned. I don’t care what you say, smoking pot does make you dumber momentarily, but that’s a good thing. Enjoy the break from intelligence; talk and laugh about stupid shit that you would never find funny sober. May I recommend a website?
__ Date around. Nothing can ruin your freshman year quicker than finding a girlfriend at the beginning of the year and ending the year with the same girlfriend. Remember, freshman girlfriends have expiration dates like the rotten milk in your dorm fridge and if kept too long they will spoil. Your fun that is.
__ Make out with other girls…please.
Well, it looks like all freshmen have their work cut out for them, so get out there and complete your list. Feel free to offer up other challenges below.
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