Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
CH Video Games Weekly
April 12, 2007
My guest this week is Dan Gurewitch, writer of such popular updates as
The Subliminal Disney
and many CH original movies including
Where the F*ck is Carmen Sandiego
The Censored Sopranos
: If you could hang out with one videogame character, who would it be?
: I've narrowed it down to two options, but I can't decide. It's either Thrilla, the surfer gorilla from
T&C Surf Design
, or Funky Kong the surfer gorilla from
Donkey Kong Country
. I'm afraid choosing one would hurt someone's feelings, and that would be totally bogus.
: All due respect to Funky, my favorite Kong will always be Cranky.
: I love Cranky Kong. I really related to him. If I were in Donkey Kong world, my role would be complaining about everything too. "Another four foot spiked bee? Dont we have anything to eat around here besides bananas? No, I don't want a large banana either."
: Personally, I'd like to spend some time with Wario. He’d be that friend you stop talking to after middle school, but then when you’re 26, you look back and go “I wonder what happened to Wario. Remember how he would eat literally anything for a dollar?”
: I'd love to go Wario Karting. He's probably sick of it, but I've got pretty good acceleration and I'd love to put it to the test against a pro. I mean, this is a guy who has raced against Yoshi, Princess all the greats. If it were raining, I guess it would be pretty fun to play
: Do you think if a video game character played their own game, they'd be good at it? In the case of Goombas, no, because they have no hands.
: If the nonsense cut scenes in
are any indication, Wario is bad at everything. I'm assuming that includes his own game.
: Speaking of go-karts, I'd like to spend some time with Lakitu if only to learn more about him. One minute he's trying to kill Mario, the next he's fishing him out of a lake. There's a moral ambiguity there that fascinates me.
: What is the most underrated game of all time?
for the Super Nintendo, hands-down. It's Rare's neglected step-child, but its innovative combo system paved the way for games like Tony Hawk. Also, it was basically an acid trip.
like Rare's more popular Donkey Kong Country, used 3D-rendered graphics as 2D-sprites. Still, it's the only side-scrolling racing game I can think of even Excite Bike has a few levels depth.
: And more importantly,
had balls. It basically told you to accept, no questions asked, that somewhere- maybe in an alternate dimension, maybe in New Jersey- dancing, rider-less unicycles are careening down tracks of rainbow-colored plastic tubes. And who are we to say they're not?
: My pick is another
title that's completely unique
Kirby's Dream Course.
You play as Kirby, who plays as a golf ball on a magical course on the edge of the world. It would take a full article just to explain the rules, but it's undeniably fun.
: My favorite part of that game is that Kirby is the ball it's the first time we learned that he is a masochist. There's a game coming out for the Wii centered entirely around spanking him.
Kirby's Dream Course
has that edge-of-the-world feel in common with
. I hope when I die, I get to pass through a world like that. See some magical golf courses, see one or two worlds from
and then continue on to God.
: There's a cult in Minnesota who believes Kirby is God, and that one day he will descend and inhale all the non-believers.
: That's how everyone in Waco died.
: Mario Galaxy. What the fuck?
: The premise, I believe, is that one day Mario jumped to punch a question box, missed, and just kept going up.
: I hope they explain Mario's ability to fly through space without so much as a helmet. If they don't, it will shatter the firm reality that has been such an important part of the Mario series.
: Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo are rolling over in their graves.
: But Bob Hoskins isn't dead, and everyone knows John Leguizamo is a John Leguizamo look-alike the government installed when the real one died. The clues are all over
, man, open your eyes.
: I have high hopes for it.
Super Mario Sunshine
was the first Mario game ever to disappoint me the hose and graffiti elements made it feel like a chore, like cleaning your room. Hopefully this one brings them back on track.
: The major Mario games are like movies that take years for them to plan and execute. This is only the third 3D Mario game, so they must have something special in mind.
: That said, I think it's a little creepy that the Game Over scene is Peach dying in the Challenger explosion.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.