I would like to see the following things before I die:

  • a Marv Albert fetish (toupee, catchphrases and all) that you can only find in the seediest underground clubs.

  • a ring tone that screeches "THE PHONE IS RINNNNGING!" in the voice of Edith Bunker or someone equally shrill. (Good for those quiet classes and library studying sessions!)
  • a long stick with a clamp-y bit at the end that I can use to "borrow" other people's cigarettes and smoke them myself
  • An clap-operated, wall-mounted lion's head fountain with 3 nozzles: Crush orange soda, Pellegrino, and beer.
  • A colonialist superhero with secret weapons like Smallpox Blankets, Codpiece of Justice, and Goofy Neck Ruff of Law Abidence; also, the accompanying comic strip. It'd be a lot more fucking fun than Dick "50+ Years and Zero Entertainment Value" Tracy.
  • a record player in decent condition to fall from the sky. Well, not literally. That'd probably dent in somebody's head
  • Arrested Development put back on air.
  • Mandatory homeless shelter volunteering for hipsters, scenesters, and anyone else caught "slumming". Take your "Flock of Seagulls" hairdo-wearing ass back to the line and ladle the pea soup

  • world peace and tolerance of all races, religions, and cultures. Hahahahaha. In all seriousness, a record player would be nice.