I’m not saying this is what I want to do, but this is the order I would take them on if terrorists burst into my apartment and told me I had to. Keep in mind we’re considering the Golden Girls characters, and not the actresses that played them. If that were the case, number 2 and 3 would probably be flipped.

#1 Rose – Rose is the only Golden Girl I’d poke even without a gun pointed at my head. I wouldn’t hit on her at a bar, but if I was sitting by myself watching VH1 and her car broke down outside, yes, I would try to turn it into a Dear Penthouse Forum. Sometimes it’s tricky getting a classy broad like this to spread, but a little wine accidentally mixed with purple Nyquil and you’ll be the one who is golden. As the only choice who looks like she could still get slippery, Rose is a lock for #1.


#2 Dorothy– You know what? I don’t know if I would mind breaking a piece off of this one either. Though her clit is less sensitive than a remote control with dead batteries, Dorothy is an iron lady with a pubic mound of steel wool. I dig that. I took down this really tough women’s lib major once, and it was a blast. I remember at the time thinking, “This must be what it’s like to ride Bea Arthur.” Careful with this one boys, she’ll break your dick off if you let her.


#3 Sophia
– I’ve got a gift where I can tell what a pussy feels like just by looking at it’s owner, and with Sophia I’m getting fish skin glued on sandpaper. If there’s one nice thing about fucking her, it’s that you could stick it in her ass and she wouldn’t even know the difference. Hell, it’s probably the same hole by now. Still, who amongst us can say they aren’t even a little bit turned on by the idea of tying her writs to the headboard and doing dick push-ups inside her while she cries for Leslie Nielsen to help? Remember to take it slow. Sophia is a delicate creature and if you ride her too hard her lips are likely to chafe off.

#4 Blanche – Imagine if the sluttiest sorority slut you know just kept slutting it up for the next six decades. That’s Blanche. I’m not looking forward to what I have to do with the other three, but at least I can pretend it’s a sexier old woman and still blow my load. Fucking Blanche probably feels like fucking mashed potatoes. She’s got pubic lice colonies that are older than you. One of the few upsides of porking a Golden Girl is that their uteri are ravaged by time so you don’t have to wear a condom, but Blanche even robs you of that simple pleasure. I’d rather have sex with an 8-year-old boy than climb into a Temprapedic with this leather sack of guts. At least with the boy you don’t have to wear a condom.