- God gets really gassy when he eats alot of pork

-God hates it when you're fat

-God hates it when you're walking through the hall and you avoid the eyes of someone you really don't want to talk to

- Getting hit in the nads brings you closer to God

-Ignoring an unplanned pregnancy as long as realistically possible brings you closer to God

- Drinking exquisite wine out of crystal flutes and eating decadent pastries brings you closer to God

- Accurately and faithfully following the instructions in the K'nex packaging to create the automated ferris-wheel brings you closer to God

- The Die Hard Triology is directly based off of the New Testament, and thus can be used as a model for good Christian values

*- God doesn't answer prayers because he's been obsessing over Wii Bowling