Ethan: Huge sports weekend coming up. I've got NFL-draft fever, which is possibly just typhoid. Let's get right to it: do you like JaMarcus Russell with the first pick?
Amir: As a Raider fan (stop laughing), yes. I'd rather take a risk on a quarterback who may be awesome than settle for a quarterback you know is mediocre. I knew Rich Gannon, I saw Rich Gannon play, I loved Rich Gannon. And you, Trent Green, are no Rich Gannon.
Ethan: Slow, white, Kansas City quarterback sounds like Rich Gannon to me!
Amir: Even if Russell can't play, it's going to be entertaining as hell to watch him throw an 80 yard interception from his knees!
Ethan: Yeah, I think the Raiders kind of have to take him. I don't want to jinx it, but I think he has the talent to be the new Marques Tuiasosopo for them. Everyone keeps talking about how deep this draft is, but it really doesn't seem like there's a can't-miss prospect in it other than Calvin Johnson. Is he going to the Lions?
Amir: The Lions are like a horrible fantasy team who think its a good idea to stock up on one position.
Ethan: Which explains why they traded their defense/special teams for Randy Moss.
Amir: However, everybody says Calvin Johnson is the man to get, so if he's available why not? Sure they may have no quarterback, but they would rule at three flies up. As a fan, does it piss you off when your team spends a top five pick on an offensive lineman?
Ethan: I'm sorry, what did you say? I was looking for a Robert Gallery jersey on eBay.
Amir: He's coming into his own!
Ethan: It doesn't bother me at all when my team goes for an O-lineman if that's what they need. I'd rather have someone who dominated the line in college like Joe Thomas than a potential-bust skill position player with injury problems like Adrian Peterson. Why on earth would anyone want to use a high draft pick on a RB with injury risk?
Amir: Even Matt Millen knows better than that. I think.
Ethan: I can't wait until the Lions pick. I can hear Millen now, "Jesus, I'm hungry with the second pick, we select a plate of chicken wings this will really help me focus on the later rounds." What are your thoughts on Brady Quinn?
Ethan: I think any ugly team could make a serious facial upgrade by picking him up. I don't want to hurt any feelings, but the Browns seem like a natural fit. Charlie Frye looks like he should be a short-order cook at some skanky white-trash diner. If you're going to have a shitty team, at least give the fans some eye candy. Who has the better NFL career: Russell or Quinn?
Amir: That's an impossible question. I couldn't even tell you whos having a better career: Culpepper or Garcia, and they've had like 15 seasons between them. I'll guess for you though: Russell. He's bigger, faster, and stronger. I'm really curious to see a 6'6" 260 pound quarterback will do in the NFL. Can you imagine him and Brandon Jacobs on the same team?
Ethan: No, but only because I think this is the year Eli finally steps up and fulfills his destiny: a well-connected Tim Couch. The player in this draft who excites me the most is Amobi Okoye. He's only 19! When I was 19 I was trying to lose my virginity, not get to the QB. Although I did sack David Carr 14 times that year. Who's going to be the Akili Smith Memorial Draft Bust this year?
Amir: Ted Ginn Jr. Speaking of which, where is Troy Smith on these 7 round mock drafts? I'm only on page 16.
Ethan: I think he, Eric Crouch, and Jason White are going to open a car wash together somewhere in Iowa. They're going to call it "Heisman's!"
Amir: If things don't work out, he can always play point guard for the Lakers, I guess. Are you following that Suns series?
Ethan: Yeah, I think I have a new offensive set for Phil Jackson to try: bench everyone but Kobe and have him play one-on-five.
Amir: It's hard to run the triangle with just one point.
Ethan: The Smush Parkers of the world are only getting in his way.
Amir: It's really sad for me to try to watch Jordan Farmar and Kwame Brown trying to guard Nash, Barbosa and Amare. Mike D'Antoni was quoted to say last year that "Kwame Brown is awful" and as an optimistic Laker fan, that's the highest praise I can think of.
Ethan: He's like Ben Wallace without the defense.
Amir: Speaking of wearing Baron Davis' beard, last week when I called Warriors over Mavs as an upset special you said you'd wear Baron Davis' beard if the Warriors won the whole series. They've won six straight over the Mavs now dating back to last year. Are you nervous?
Ethan: Okay, fine. Double or nothing: I'll also wear Jeff Kent's mustache at my wedding if they make the conference finals. I'd long had a suspicion that maybe Avery Johnson wasn't a great coach, but this series is reinforcing it. Don Nelson looks like a sallow, overweight chess master just toying with Avery on the sidelines. You can almost hear him loudly saying, "Man, I hope they don't go to DeSagana Diop! We've got no answer for him!" then winking at his players as Avery makes the substitution.
Amir: I'm pretty sure he just spent a couple seasons building a ticking time bomb in Dallas, waiting for it to self destruct at exactly the right time.
Ethan: But away from the NBA and to a sport people care about: is A-Rod going to hit 100 home runs wiht 500 RBIs? I think the answer is "almost certainly."
Amir: And the Yankees will go 64-98. At what point does A-Rod stop saying "These mean nothing if we keep losing." You know if he gets to 80 he'll be like "Playoffs or not, get off my ass all right?! This shit is downright impressive and you know it. Fuck the Yankees. Go me."
Ethan: It's great because he's managed to once again set himself up for failure. If he doesn't hit sixteen homers and get 35 RBIs every month, Yankees fans are going to say he's just an April phenom. Meanwhile, no one's pointing out that Jeter's defense is getting downright Knoblauch-ian. (Make sure you can define "Knoblauch-ian" if you're taking the GRE.) I'm just happy the Phillies have decided to start winning games; it's a nice change of pace here. Got an interesting fact for us?
Amir: Here's one from the competitive world of High School Baseball: BJ Upton, Ryan Zimmerman and David Wright were on the same baseball team in high school.
Ethan: Wow. That team was actually better than the Nationals team Zimmerman's playing for right now. Put that offense behind John Patterson, and he could go 5-12 at a bare minimum.
Amir: The payroll is comparable too.
Ethan: I'd apologize to Nationals fans, but none of the three of them have computers, anyway. Until next week, get well soon, King Felix.