Come on. I know you agree. I just have to get this out of my system. But before I do, let me take this opportunity to say that I mean no disrespect to the five theater kids out there reading this who are actually cool.

And it makes me cringe to write that. You know why? Every horrible theater kid who read that thinks that he or she is one of those five. Ugh.

Maybe I should back up for a second. Maybe some of you out there don’t have a theater major in your school, or maybe some of you know some theater kids who you think “aren’t that bad.” Please allow me this opportunity to not only disagree with you, but to prove to you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that these kids are truly the worst people ever.

It’d be too easy to say that theater majors are horrible simply because of their major. A lot of people may say that a degree in Theater is like a degree in Philosophy, and, well…OK, they’re right about that. But I will never fault someone for having a stupid major. I was a Communications Major, which is basically the name they give to “Undeclared” when you’re not allowed to be that anymore. I learned nothing in college and am fully supportive of those who choose to take that path. It’s not about the actual major. It’s about the trolls that inhabit the major.

I was friends with a bunch of Film majors, and let me tell you, they’re almost as bad. It was like any kid who saw Donnie Darko or Memento and didn’t hate it suddenly felt that they were an expert on film, that they were anti-“Hollywood”, and that they had this amazing understanding of movies that people who liked Old School would never have. But most of the film majors were intelligent artists who kept to themselves and didn’t try to preach their pseudo-excellence on people.

That’s where theater kids differ.

It all starts when they’re young. Let’s make someone up, to make it easier. Billy is kind of outspoken for a little kid, so his parents get the bright idea to encourage his “acting”. They hope that one day they’ll be able to retire early, with all the money he’s pulling in. A few years later he lands the role of Conrad Birdie in his stupid high school play, and everyone can’t get over how “natural” he is. His family and friends who know nothing about the entertainment industry or how it works pump his head full of delusion: “You’re gonna make it one day, Billy. You’re so good, you’re gonna be a star!”

Billy starts to buy into this ridiculous hype and starts to believe it. He now sees himself as “better” than his peers. Then college comes. He gets put in classes with people who all feel the same way. They’ve all had their egos stroked their whole lives. They think that somehow, in some way, their ability to “play pretend” has now made them more intelligent than anyone else on the face of the planet. They speak to each other in code, swimming in their sea of illusion and having conversations like this one:

BILLY: Last night was so intense. For the first time, I could truly see the world through the eyes of my character. It was amazing.

JESSICA: I know. That’s why I’m so happy that Mark is the director. He really knows how to get you to make that transition.

LAYNE: I could totally tell that you were feeling the character last night, Billy. It almost put me in a trance. I kept thinking to myself, “Yeah…this guy is so right on.”

BILLY: Thanks, Layne. So you could notice? You could sense the transformation?

LAYNE: Everyone noticed. On break, when we were all having our cigarettes, and you were inside talking to Mark, everyone was saying how awesome you were!

The worst. They just sit and fellate each other for four straight years…unless they’re talking crazy smack about whichever member of the group wasn’t there that day. Then they all graduate and get jobs at the California Pizza Kitchen and think they’ve “made it” because they got a job at a community theater playing Romeo in SKATESpeare – The Bard on Blades!!

So if you’re reading this, and you are a theater major, please do yourself and the world a favor and stop being a pretentious douchetard. You’re making the Graphic Design kids look normal.