Dear Woman in the Girls Gone Wild Commercial,

I am writing to you in regards to the other night. As I'm sure you remember, it was a weekend; I was tired from my full week of classes and was lying on my couch watching a baseball game with my good friend named Beer. After a tremendous battle which took extra innings to settle, I was enjoying an old George Carlin stand-up comedy special and that's when I met you roughly seven times in nearly an hour.

It may have been the fact there was no one else in the room with me, but nonetheless I was rendered completely speechless. As soon as I saw you lift up your tank top to reveal the bold red and white font saying "UNCENSORED," I just knew I had to have you.

I still recall so vividly the first time I laid eyes on you; almost as if it happened yesterday. This is obviously saying something because it was actually almost three days ago. It was right after Carlin's classic "Football/Baseball" bit when a dark, blank screen appeared telling me that the following explicit content was not suitable for children. Your narrator excitedly told me that I was "invited to Girls Gone Wild Island where absolutely anything goes!" and I truthfully could not have been more honored to accept such an invitation. In fact I am still eagerly awaiting the opportunity to send you an official form of RSVP to said event.

Simply put: I was awestruck. There you were with other girls just as beautiful and elegant as yourself, rolling around on a bed naked with large gold stars covering your private areas. I really felt we had an incredible connection, especially while you gazed up at me so innocently lying in that empty bathtub completely nude. I truly believe there could be something in our future and I'd like to explore just what we might have to offer each other. [picture:117723:small:The ring is waiting, babe]

It wasn't more than two or three sightings of you during the commercial breaks during my original programming before I knew I would never look at another woman the same way. To be honest, I've always thought "love at second or third sight" showed real love as opposed to the more traditional "love at first sight" anyway. I think the latter is just a concept forced upon us by today's society. You agree? See, babe, this is why you and I have got to stick together.

I am already looking forward to meeting members of your wonderful family as well as making one of our own in the near future. I can already imagine us sitting around on cold December nights, next to our cozy brick fireplace and dozing golden retriever, while Candi and Mystique (I have already chosen our children's names, I hope you do not find this too intrusive) play a relaxing game of Scrabble on the living room floor.

Similar to how your narrator claims that "Girls Gone Wild is now taking it to the next level," I genuinely hope that I get to do the same with this relationship of ours. I feel we both deserve a chance to experience something that, similar to your advertised video, "isn't sold in stores."I hope this letter finds you well, and again, I really hope to get to know you better in the future. It is quite apparent that we have something out of the ordinary here and it wouldn't be fair to either of us if we didn't let it evolve.

Besides, that "Text FLIRT to 7777 for a fun time" girl I met a few commercials after you just seemed like a total whore.