I know what you're thinking: Top 6 again?! Boooo! I wanted to see the Top 5! I know, friend. Me too. But last week they decided not to send anyone home, so there are still 6 people here, and I still have to look at Phil's ugly mug. Unfortunately they're sending two people home this week, so we'll never share giggles and poke jabs at the contestants over a Top 5 together. There's always next year.
This is worse than the time my parents forgot my birthday.
My only consolation (beyond the 70 million dollars [American] that Idol Gives Back raised, of course. To give kids in Africa mosquito nets. To cure them of malaria.) is that JON FUCKIN BON JOVI is the mentor this week. Well, him and his piano man. So everyone gets to sing super rockin awesome Bon Jovi songs and I get to watch a little promotional video for the band and be like, "Man, Bon Jovi is so cool."
1. Phil "Blaze of Glory"
(Query: has anyone else seen Blades of Glory, starring Napoleon Dynamite, Gob, Gob's wife in real life, Pam, and Buddy the Elf? Because its title sounds just like the title of this song. Also it wasn't a great movie, and I'm not recommending it or anything, I'm just curious.) Phil confesses that he used to sing this song into his comb 15 years ago. Back before the ovarian cancer took all his hair, rendering a comb unnecessary. I hope he dies in a blaze of glory. You know, from the cancer. I hope his ovaries look like the Aurora Borealis. I'm being mean about his lady part troubles, but I'm actually worried that Phil didn't do the worst job tonight. God, I'm so scared I might lose Jordin!
2. Jordin "Livin' on a Prayer"
Um Jordin? We need to talk. Come, fantasy little sister, and cuddle under my vintage 1994 Little Mermaid comforter with me. First of all, you borrowed my purse the other night and you left a lip gloss in it, so remind me to give that back to you later. But more importantly, you sucked tonight, kid. What was up with that? Didn't you say right before you went and sucked that your mom has been throwing Bon Jovi in your face since your infancy? Shouldn't you have been singing into your comb for the past 15 years, too? Although, based on the appearance of your hair this evening, I doubt that you actually own a comb. Anyway, babe, you should know that you can't sing that song. No one can sober. I guess maybe because you're only 17 and kind of -let's face it- a square, you've never been at a party or in a bar when this song came on. Everyone sings along, and it's like magic. A magic that you get from alcohol. And you did not have that magic tonight. Also, I'm not even kidding anymore, your hair looked ridiculous. I imagine you got the impetus for those red streaks from How to Dress Like a Totally Punkass Rocker by Gina Glocksen. (God, Father the Almighty, please don't send my fantasy little sister home. She's young. She's still learning. And she's so pretty!)
3. LaKisha "This Ain't a Love Song"
LaKisha and Ryan are in love. So are LaKisha and Jon Bon Jovi. So are LaKisha and Simon. However, only Simon declared his love by kissing her on national television. Well played, Cowell. I had pegged you for a homosexual.
4. Blake "You Give Love a Bad Name"(Why are all these song titles full sentences? Jeez.) BLAKE WAS AWESOME!!!!!! I love Blake so so so so so so much. He was all "ziggity zzzzt zzt zt zt ztztzt SHOT THROUGH THE HEART! AND YOU'RE TO BLAME!" Man, it was sick hella uber mega way wicked awesome. Also he dyed his hair brown and it looks really cute. I think maybe Blake can be mine and Jordin's fantasy older brother. He's the gay one, and Jordin is the sports one, and I'm the mean one. Killer! (Oh yeah. I forgot to use that to describe the performance. Note it.)
5. Chris "Wanted Dead or Alive"
So should there be a colon in the title? Damn you, Bon Jovi, with your grammatically ambiguous lyrics! Anyway, my snuggly bear TimberFAKE looked really scary in the lights tonight. It was like he wanted me dead or alive! Hey wait a second I kind of like the sound of that. Maybe if I pretend it was a sexually predatory scary face instead of a righteously murderous scary face, I can still masturbate while watching the muted performance. Um, for real, though, it wasn't that great. Simon was all, "Well, you did your best. Which still sucks." I think TimberFAKE probably deserves to go home this week. I'll miss him, but there's always youtube. So help me, though, if both he and Jordin go home. I will carve their names into a heart on my forearm with a rusty corkscrew.
6. Melinda "Have a Nice Day"
I like this one because in this sense, "Have a nice day" means the same thing as when southern gentlewomen say, "Bless your heart": "Fuck you." And obviously Melinda is a pretty decent singer, so it was good. Also I love her hair more and more every week. It just keeps getting shinier!
I am unreasonably worried that Jordin will go home this week. Apart from her, I don't really care who else goes. But man, Holy Trinity, it sure would be awesome if, like, Phil and Chris could go! At least Phil. Come on. He'll be joining you in heaven soon enough anyway.
Oops, almost forgot! Speaking of God the Father, our fearless leader George W. Bush and his woman appeared (on the screen) at the end of the show to thank everyone for donating moneys to po' kids. Then George threatened to sing, but Laura was all, "Son, they already seen yo tired, cracker-ass dance moves! Them people don' wanna hear you sing! Day-um!" and that shut him up.