It’s been six months since my housefellow came around to all the dorm rooms with a bowl of leftover Halloween candy. Six months since I acquired you, my friend, and put you in the drawer, awaiting the perfect opportunity. It’s been a long time, a long hard time, but today, my day has come. Mystery Flavored Dumdum, today you shall be tasted!
I’ll admit, it hasn’t been easy. Every time I opened the drawer to get more paper, there you were, sitting desolately in the corner with that lone packet of Smarties. There were times when I thought “God, maybe I’ll just lift up a corner of the wrapper, just see what color it is!” But I resisted, Mystery Dumdum. You deserve more than that. You deserve a glorious unveiling, when the moment’s finally right. And today, on the six month anniversary of the day you came into my possession, the moment is indeed right.
I wonder if you’re watermelon. That would really make it all worth it. Watermelon is the king of lollipop flavors, Dumdum. But that’s not fair to you. I’ll love you no matter what flavor you are. You could be the cool and mysterious blue raspberry, or the subtle and nuanced pina colada. The forbidden green apple, the flavor so good it spawned original sin.
I’m not going to look when I take off your wrapper, Dumdum. That would spoil the surprise. No, it’s going to be a quick rip and lick. Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle.
Okay. Here we go. I’m closing my eyes. We’re ready. It’s going down. I’m Sherlock Holmes. I’m the gang from Scooby Doo. I’m Angela Lansbury on Murder She Wrote. The mystery is getting solved.
ROOT BEER? REALLY, DUMDUM? Is… is this some sort of punishment for waiting too long? I have a can of root beer, literally, right here. If I wanted some root beer, which I don’t, you jerk, I could have just opened it up and taken a sip.
I just… I just can’t believe this. All that waiting. For what, man? For this?
It seems I was the dumdum.
It seems… I was the dumdum.