Hello, my name is Pretentious Waiter. I'll be the person who tries to guilt you into tipping me more all night. It's annoying that you're here. Allow me to shove this extremely large menu in your date's face first and now in yours. You'll notice that even though the menu is the size of a TV, the writing is too small to be read with the naked eye. It's also written in cursive and many of the words are in French to make you feel stupid.

And here comes my Mute Immigrant Sidekick to take away two plates on your table that we apparently put there for no reason whatsoever. OK then!

Now let me put this thick book full of wine names – also mostly spelled in French – on the table right in the most inconvenient place. I'll stand it up so that you have a better chance of accidentally knocking it down later.

Even though every single person in the history of time has said Yes to this question, I'm going to ask you anyway: Would you like some water? Yes? Great, now let me make you say, out loud, how cheap you are by offering you the opportunity to pay for a bottle of water instead of tap. Tap? I'm going to give you a little half smile now and say that things are "very good," even though you've just had to admit, in front of your date, that she's not special enough for a bottle of water.

Now I will leave you here for 15 minutes, during which time I will go stand by the ordering terminal looking at little scraps of paper in my apron. Don't worry, I won't make eye contact with you no matter how much you try to get my attention.

...]]> nonadult comedy /article/6870316 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6870316/twidiots-wrestling-is-super-gay Wed, 13 Feb 2013 10:00:03 -0500 In "Twidiots", we collect the choicest thoughts on a particular topic from Twitter's millions of users.

On Tuesday, the International Olympic Committee elected to drop Freestyle and Greco-Roman wrestling from the Summer Olympic Games starting in 2020. The ever-tolerant Twitterverse reacted calmly and respectfully of course, bidding the sport a kind, empathetic adieu.

...]]> nonadult comedy /article/6870341 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6870341/lets-get-all-the-die-hard-sequel-titles-out-of-the-way Wed, 13 Feb 2013 10:00:02 -0500

Now a lot of you always ask me, "Yo, Sexxmasta, I really wanna fuck some classy bitches, but these bitches won't let me fuck em – what's these bitches fuckin' problems?" BZZZT! WRONG! There's your first problem right there – you think the problem's with the bitches, when the problem is really with the biggest bitch of all — YOU. And it's a problem with only one solution: You gotta learn how to FUCK ROMANTIC.

Today, I'm gonna teach you how to fuck all romantic, so can go out and do that and be like "Thanks Sexmasta!" and I'll be like "You can thank me after you stop fuckin plus there's two X's in Sexxmasta but thanks man up top!"

Here's the rubber: These women today, you can't just be all "Hey baby, lemme buy you a drink, how bout two drinks, how bout three drinks, BOOM! Cab, bedroom, D, sleep". Nah, these modern bitches — well first of all, you shouldn't call them "bitches", it's not polite cause they're smart people — but anyway these bitches are like "I have a job, I like nice clothes and shit, so if you want to get with me, you better gimme some romance." You're all like "Ro-WHAAT?" Mance is the answer. Here are 7 Ways To Put The "Romantic" in "Romantic Fucking":

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