Boring vs. Fancy

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 12:48:05 -0400

Oh, you fancy, huh?

Every Fancy Restaurant Ever

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 09:43:04 -0500

Hello, my name is Pretentious Waiter. I'll be the person who tries to guilt you into tipping me more all night. It's annoying that you're here. Allow me to shove this extremely large menu in your date's face first and now in yours. You'll notice that even though the menu is the size of a TV, the writing is too small to be read with the naked eye. It's also written in cursive and many of the words are in French to make you feel stupid.

And here comes my Mute Immigrant Sidekick to take away two plates on your table that we apparently put there for no reason whatsoever. OK then!

Now let me put this thick book full of wine names – also mostly spelled in French – on the table right in the most inconvenient place. I'll stand it up so that you have a better chance of accidentally knocking it down later.

Even though every single person in the history of time has said Yes to this question, I'm going to ask you anyway: Would you like some water? Yes? Great, now let me make you say, out loud, how cheap you are by offering you the opportunity to pay for a bottle of water instead of tap. Tap? I'm going to give you a little half smile now and say that things are "very good," even though you've just had to admit, in front of your date, that she's not special enough for a bottle of water.

Now I will leave you here for 15 minutes, during which time I will go stand by the ordering terminal looking at little scraps of paper in my apron. Don't worry, I won't make eye contact with you no matter how much you try to get my attention.

...

Introducing Monsieur Mittens

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 14:25:59 -0400

"I do declare good sir, mmyess, that I will take my catnip in the foyer this evening."

Fancy Star Wars Characters

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 11:29:42 -0400

I find your lack of poise disturbing.

Fancy Crab Has Top Hat and Walking Stick

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 13:15:25 -0400

He's rich, but he's no King Crab.

Dainty Cat

Fri, 21 Jan 2011 12:36:29 -0500

"An Internet video of little old me? Well, aren't you the sweetest."

Fancy Goal Fail

Wed, 07 Apr 2010 11:59:17 -0400

That's the style point that won them the game.