Size of Your Sunglasses

AgePerceived beautyActual beautyChances you're hiding a black eyeHow much of an a**hole you areChances your name is Bozo

The Tanner You Get

How healthy you lookSpontaneous combustionDJ, Stephanie, MichelleUncle JoeyNumber of Bauhaus songs on your iPodLife expectancyCloseness to the equatorCloseness to Long Island

Smell/Taste Matrix

The Longer You're Home

Excitement over breaking curfewFamily friends your Mom thinks you'd "hit it off with"Number of times parents caught having sexNumber of times parents catch you having sexTimes having sex when your parents are in the houseThe more you consider...

How Jewish Your Summer Camp is

Likelihood It's A Nazi Summer CampWorried Letters from homeIntercamp Sports DominanceHatred of "Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh"Sabbaths ObservedDistance from either coastBlack kidsPharaohs Thwarted

The Higher Your Finals Grades

Job prospectsPot smokedAdderall takenPaste eatenRoom on parents' fridgeNumber of shameful sex acts performed on professorsAbility to multitask

The Number of Siblings You Have

Love your parents have left to giveNumber of family minivansTime you have alone to masturbateTimes caught masturbating aloneOdds you live in a polygamist compoundCloseness of familyHow Irish you are

The Less Your Summer Job Pays

Money spent on foodMoney spent on weedAlcohol stolen from parentsNumber of Chicken Nuggets Stolen From WorkSolid Gold Yacht PartiesPlantation songs like "Ol' Virginny Nebber Tire" sungCutlery sets sold to family friends

The Longer Your Graduation Ceremony

How excited Grandma isBeachballs blown upHow badly you need to urinateQuality of Valedictorian's speechHow often Mom waves to youEffectiveness of deodorantTime until you officially become unemployed

The More Finals You Have

Amount you studyStudy sessions with study groupTime spent thinking of inventions to get rich quickNumber of finals you think you'll failNumber of finals you actually failChances you give up on school and go back to live in your mom's basement

The Less Money You Have in Your Bank Account

Ramen for dinnerRamen for clothesBeer budgetTime spent looking for a jobMoney in online poker accountWhat you have left to loseSperm bank visits

The More Epic Your 420

Stickiness of ickyThings accomplished4/20 Greeting Cards PurchasedLikelihood you're checking out this websiteAwesome 4/20 MemoriesLikelihood you're still highAmount this makes sense to you

The Longer You Procrastinate

Amount of work you plan to get done laterAmount of work you actually do laterTime leftUrgencyPopulation of doodletownWillingness to bullsh*t just to fill up space

The Longer You Live with Your Best Friend

Best friendsSworn enemiesCasual nudity Probability you'd sleep with his girlfriend if you had the chanceProbability you'd sleep with his girlfriend and him if you had the chanceSitcom episodes lived outInside jokes

The Hotter Your RA

Noise violationsWeekends spent at homeChances you'll still like her after she confiscates your bongNumber of Disney movie marathon hall activities attendedDisney soundtracks on iTunesDesire to be an R.A.

The Better Your School's Basketball Team

March MadnessThe better your football teamHow good your team is at getting you a jobTimes your team got majorly screwed by the racist refsChance that you're on the basketball team.Chance that you're on the intramural basketball teamLoose ball

The More You Check Your E-mail

How important you areHilarity of Youtube videos your mom sends youTime elapsed since giving cute girl your e-mail addressActual amount of work you're getting doneUseful E-mails receivedOdds your friends hate youChance you are Amish

The Farther You Travel for Spring Break

Chance of returnCraziness of road tripProbability you come back with crabsForeign cultures learned about and appreciatedWells drunkenly dug for impoverished villagersFriends kidnapped and held hostage by local militants

The Farther Your Class Is From Your Dorm

Likelihood of making it to class at allPercentage of Stairway to Heaven listened to during walkHatred for long-boardersLikelihood you missed that participation pointPiggy-back ridesAmount girlfriend pissed offCalls checking up with mom

How Badly You Screwed Up Valentine's Day

Sex Coupons GivenSex coupons redeemed Plates thrown at wall behind youUse of phrase, "I don't NEED a holiday to show my love"Amount you just realized while reading this that you missed Valentine's DayAmount of lube boughtTime spent in the hospital...