Times You've Been to the Gym This Semester

Old people genitalia spotted Steroid use Concern that your balls are shrinking Weights lifted Number of successful encounters with girls you've met at the gym Number of successful hypothetical encounters with girls you've visualized at the gym...

Number of Hours Spent Watching Football

Age of Brett FavreNumber of bad callsNumber of calls against your teamGuitars railed on by annoying NFL robotNumber of hours spent watching hockeyDesire to jumpstart Luke Wilson's careerAnnouncer drawings made during game

The Number of People You Live With

Shampoo boughtPlaces you're able to safely have sex and not get caughtPlaces you do have sex and don't care if you're caughtLoneliness/CatsOdds fire marshal is pissedOdds your fire marshal also lives with youMarriages arranged by the Leader, who...

The More Money You Spend on Textbooks

Textbooks openedHeight of beerpong tableNumber of dirtbikes the McGraw-Hill kids are getting for ChristmasLikelihood bookstore is a frontAmount of money you'll get back at the end of the semester for selling them backTextbooks hollowed out to hide...

The Longer You Follow Your New Years Resolutions

Chances you never actually made a resolutionTime spent working outLikelihood you're lying to yourself and your friendsDifficulty of resolutionQuality of LifeSecret chili recipes createdLikelihood your resolution involved eating nachos and playing...

Shopping Days Left Until Christmas

Free hug couponsAvailability of good presents"That's from all of us!"Amount your life resembles a holiday movieAmount your life resembles a horror movieNew Years Eve planningFake donations made in your loved ones' namesOdds you're making it out of...

The Longer You Wait in Traffic

Probability of visible reason for trafficHow much you like "Party in the USA"Speed of cars in the OTHER lanesMad Libs playedHeads blown offDonations made to NPRAmounts of times you get out to pee only to have traffic start movingAmount of time...

Age of New Step-Mom

Friends coming overHow much you love the movie "Step-Mom"How often you'll have to babysit new MomHow awesome new Mom's Chocolate chip cookie recipe isHow angry real-mom is about herLikelihood of her being your classmateLikelihood of her being your...

Venn Candygram

Amount of Weight You've Gained Since School Started

Half-eaten chili dogs left under your mattressHigh School friends saying "you've filled out."High School friends saying "Holy Sh*t!"High School friends impressed with "College You"Self-Deprecating "Freshman 15" JokesLikelihood your nickname is "...

Breakdown of Your Trick-Or-Treat Candy

The More Twitter Followers You Have

Meaningful social interactionActual followersSluttiness of custom backgroundSense of self worthSelf worthCommunications longer than this very message you are currently reading right now at this very moment. You know, not more than 140...

The More Clubs You Belong To

Grades in schoolLength of resumeJob perspectivesHow much you value free pizzaLikelihood you accidentally join a Christian Youth societyMoney appropriated in a useful mannerArchery Accuracy

The Longer You Stay With Your Highschool GF/BF Freshman Year

Hotness of significant otherMasturbationHappinessAbility to recite her phone number from memoryExcitement about video chat sexOpportunities missedAwkward proms attendedProbability you transfer to a community college and then she dumps you

The Bigger Your Lecture Hall

AttendanceChance that you're a communications majorAttractive members of the opposite sexAttractive members of the opposite sex spoken toAbility to fart in class without being blamed for itChance this is the "professor that rides in on a...

The More Fan Fiction You Write

Livejournal accountsConnection with realitySexual attraction to Sonic the hedgehogBea Arthur, Super Saiyan 4 Gojita hook-ups written aboutBea Arthur going Super Saiyan 4Cease and Desist lettersFans of your fluid proseFans of your lurid...

The More Credits You Take This Semester

Mental breakdownsFree time on nights/weekendsOffice hours visitedAmount you love lifeNumber of times you wake up in the middle of the night to scream F*CKHatred for humanityDoodles made

Number of Ice Breakers Played

LiesTruthsRespect for RAPercent hot girls' names learnedPercent ugly girls and other guys' names learnedHow excited you are to finally be in collegeAmount you focus on girl with low cut tanktop

The Crappier Your Wireless Connection

Amount of time spent on the InternetIntensity of orgasmYour willingness to click "Keep Reading"Hassle of having to go to plug in 1TB external harddrive for pornQuality of LifeFull images

Days Left Until School Starts

Horrified flashbacks of school yearFrequency your Mom asks if you need more socksJC Pennys visitiedBreak ups with summer flingTimes gone back to summer fling for one more hook upFive-Stars boughtFive-Stars given