5. Thanksgiving

Some people may have issues with the less-than-savory origins of the holiday, or the fact the modern ideals behind Thanksgiving are, let's face it, pretty lame. No-one, however, can argue with the requisite mountain of food you get to shamelessly eat for the entire day and then for several days after that. Next year let's just cut out the middle man, call it "Fat Day" and be done with it.

New Years

4. New Years

The New Year brings about a time of spiritual reflection and hope. It represents a clean slate, and the possibility of anything you want to come in the next year, just as soon as you're done drinking yourself into oblivion on the last night of the calendar. It's also the one holiday listed with a period exclusively devoted to smooching, which is a helpful thing most parties should have.


3. Halloween

The best thing about Halloween is that it caters for the changes you'll undergo in life. For the first ten years, it's time to dress up like a ghost/vampire (the only two options) and get candy all night. Later in life, a bevy of cool parties and explaining your clever costume to drunk people is your reward. Finally, as you reach old age, your furious, violent screaming at the neighborhood children will, for one glorious night. be justified.

Your Birthday

2. Your Birthday

If there's one thing missing from the examples in the list below, it's the part where you get a bunch of gifts and attention. All that's rectified on your birthday, the one day a year where you get a free pass from your responsibilities, are showered with praise and material possessions, and, on certain years, unlock new abilities and places to go, just like a videogame.


1. Christmas

Christmas is just one of those perfect storm holidays. It's cold and dark outside, but still in that nice romantic postcard way, before January rolls around and you curse yours and everyone else's existence as you throw on a fifth layer so you can get to work (barring the occasional and likely black ice falls you'll make on the way there.) Everything about Christmas is the best kind. The food, the drinks, the songs: all perfectly engineered to ensure you have the best time while you're sitting inside with people you're kind of bored with by now. Good thing there's stuff like opening presents and eating way too much delicious food to pass the time. And if all else fails, there's a Home Alone marathon on ABC all afternoon. God bless you, Christmas, the perfect holiday.