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I explained to my girlfriend the Skyrim meme "Arrow to the knee". She laughed and I thought this was great because she rarely likes my humour. Last night when we were getting busy she told be we couldn't go all the way because she had taken an arrow to the knee. I looked at her leg and there was an arrow drawn on her knee. I laughed so much that I didn't miss the... Read More » sex.

February 24, 2012

In high school I worked at a larger athletic shoe store in the mall. One day, this cute little 7ish year old boy comes up to me and asks when the new Jordan's are coming out. I tell him it's in two days and he starts jumping for joy, chanting "jor-dans-day jor-dans-day...," doing cartwheels, high fiving people around him, all kinds of silly stuff. I give him a... Read More » high five and start to laugh as he keeps celebrating. Perfectly acceptable reaction, right? Apparently not. The kid's mom stomps over, screams at me to shut-up, BACKHANDS ME IN THE FACE, grabs the kid, and demands to see my manager. She tells my manager that I lied to the kid about the Jordan's release date to get him to cause a scene. She also says she's going to sue me and the company because I'm a racist and was telling other customers that he was "mentally handicapped, retarded, and black on top of that so they would judge him." Another customer I had been helping goes up to her, says he's a lawyer, he witnessed the whole thing, that nothing in her story happen, and that he'll gladly represent me in the case I have against her for the slap. She throws the boy over her shoulder and LITERALLY sprints out of the store. My manager gave me a pair of the Jordan's for free and let me go home early with pay.

February 24, 2012

I'm a mechanic at a dealership and had to rotate tires on a car one day...no problems, brought the car in, rotated tires, backed the car out....A few minutes after finishing my manager calls me over and the customer who owns the car is fuming! "I JUST PAID YA'LL $25 TO ROTATE MY TIRES AND YOU DIDN'T DO IT!!" he screamed. "yes I did rotate your tires, sir&... Read More »quot; "NO YOU DIDN'T!! I CAN TELL BECAUSE I MARKED EACH WHEEL WITH A PEN!!!"....the three of us bent down as he showed us how the wheel had little tiny dots on it.....what he didn't realize was the car that he just bought has hubcaps...I had removed the hubcaps, rotated the tires, and put the hubcaps back on.....My boss said if he'd like us to rotate his hubcaps to let us know beforehand next time....The customer didn't even offer an apology.

February 24, 2012

My parents, unlike most, are ridiculously protective of the movies I am allowed to watch and the games I am allowed to play. This Christmas, after months of pleading, my parents finally gave in and let me buy Skyrim, which is rated 15 here in the UK. I was so happy and have played it non-stop until about 2 days ago, when disaster struck! During one of Skyrim's many... Read More » plotlines, the character is able to purchase a torture room in which large quantities of money can be extorted from the victims. However, the room is also very effective if you want to level up fast, as you can practice your spells on the victims without them fighting back. It should also be noted that, for a fairly dubiously explained reason, each victim is clothed in only their underwear. Imagine my mum's surprise when she walks in on me practicing spells (an animation that looks incredibly like squeezing) on a blonde woman in a bikini who also happens to be strung up on chains. For being such a "perverted little freak", I have been banned from the XBOX and am due to see a therapist in about a week. I think I'll go back to playing Sonic...

February 24, 2012

My boyfriend of 3 years and I have been trying to lose some weight lately. In order to avoid eating snacks between meals, we've both been chewing a lot of gum. He was talking to his mom about it one day, and she asked, "What kind of gum do you have right now? Can I have a piece?" He reached into his pocket and slammed a pack of gum on the table, proclaiming, "... Read More »Chew on one of these for a while and you won't feel like eating sweets at all!" Unfortunately, along with the pack of gum, he pulled out a wrapped condom.

February 24, 2012

Back when I was underage, I was at an apartment party down the hall from where I lived. After two or three noise complaints, the cops showed up. Upon seeing them, despite my significant intoxication, I cunningly went into the kitchen and stuffed my 5'4 body into a little cabinet. I then proceeded to pass out. I awoke to a throbbing pain in my back and legs from being... Read More » squished for so long, and, despite hearing the cops presence still lingering in the apartment, I crawled out of my hiding spot. An officer saw me and asked for my ID. Luckily for me, I left my ID in my next-door apartment and had given my keys to a friend who passed out a few hours before, accidently locking the door on his way in. After knocking on my door-with no response from my passed out friend- the officer told me to walk down the hall and wait with another cop who was issuing citations. As I walked down the hall towards him, I saw the cop telling three hysterically upset girls they could go home, but he'd see them in court the next week. As I approached, I told him that one of the hysterical girls was my girlfriend (lie) and that I really wanted to walk her home (lie- she was fugly), and that I gave the officer standing outside my door my identification and information (lie). The three second pause he took to contemplate the authenticity of my story made my heart stop; I was only 18 years old and didn't want more charges caused by lying to an officer piled on top of my underage drinking charge. He flagged the officer who took me to my apartment over, but he was preoccupied and didn't notice. I offered to walk down the hall and bring over the officer to validate that he had my information. This offer seemed to convince him I was being honest. Luck was with me this night and I was one of two that escaped that underage party. In the end 23 underage students were arrested and 5 of age students who supplied the party were arrested. The officers never realized I slipped away.

February 24, 2012

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for Fresh Prince

February 24, 2012

I lived in a an apartment my junior year with 3 seniors 2 were cool one was a major douche, always leave dirty dishes out, room smelled like piss and sweat(the usual crappy roommate stuff). He would also flipped shit when anyone would beat him in a video game, throwing controllers and cursing about how much we would suck and say he just needed to change the audibles and he... Read More » would have won. He would argue the opposite point of whatever you just said. Pretty much the 3 of us hated him, so none of us felt the need to tell him that one day when he was eating lunch on the coffee table that the previous night while he was already out a drunk girl decided to pee in the exact spot on the table his Subway sandwich was sitting on.

February 24, 2012

Pot smoking is illegal and dangerous in Colombia, it can get you sent to JAIL, where we all know your asshole will get bigger than your brain, or something like that. One warm night I'm riding my bicycle and light up a carefully-rolled doobie I'd been saving. Needless to say, a motorcycle-riding cop catches up to me and waves at me to stop. Panicked, I drop my... Read More » almost-virgin blunt and wave to a halt. "Why were you smoking pot?", asks the guy. "Well, I'd been saving it, I hadn't smoked in a while," I answer, thinking, "and I didn't see you coming at me, either." So he says, "follow me to the police station, you're spending the night, you criminally disgusting son-of-a-bitch." (You understand, I'm translating somewhat liberally). He gets back on his bike, fires it up, and blasts off into the night, with me pedalling desperately to try to catch up so I won't be charged with attempting to escape the law, as well. Within seconds, of course, his motorcycle is gone as the proverbial wind, so I sort of stop pedalling to think of my course of action. After a few, addled-witted moments, I realize he's probably decided to let my sorry ass go, so I quickly turn around and start back again in the direction I was going. I wonder whether the guy has a soft spot for nerdy-looking biking potheads, or if he's forgotten he can do 70 to my (pitiful) 10 mph. I wave my head, marvelling at my great luck, and turn the first corner I can (just in case he comes back for me, you see; weed makes me paranoid as hell, as well as slower than a wrong-handed blowjob from a new girlfriend). The clincher? A few yards later I hear a motorcycle. I stop, absolutely stricken, and turn around. I see the guy cruise past me, looking straight ahead. I back up, thinking it's better to show myself instead of leading him on a chase that can only end less than happily for me. I get to the corner I'd turned just in time to see the guy get off his bike, pick up the doobie I'd dropped, carefully light up and start to smoke it with evident relish while leaning on his bike. So yeah, smoking pot in Colombia is really dangerous. You might end up having to share.

February 24, 2012

The first couple of weeks living with my roommate were actually fun, I thought she was a nice girl, not messy, easygoing, etc. That was until I found she was talking behind my back. Yes, I like girls, and as it turns out, she had 'a bit' of a problem with that (but never talked to me about it). She thought it was a better idea to spread lies about me and exaggerate every... Read More » single thing I ever told (oh so dumb to trust that bitch). I found out about her gossipy/bitchy ways when a girl (A.) she talked to regurlarly came up to me and told me about the things my roomie said about me. I wanted revenge and to piss her off I started to act extra 'lezzy'. I thought of every possible cliche lesbian thing and started acting out: I asked her if short hair would look good on me and bought a T-shirt with a lesbian slogan. I also complained to her that girls usually don't like me because I have a very feminine figure, I told her (ok in a more subtle way than described here) I rather have a body like her, with small boobs (she always complains about being flatchested). I also put a screensaver of halfnaked girls on my computer and made sure I always left the screen on so she would see it everytime. To top it all off I starting asking her about her (what she thought) friend A.: I was wondering is A. was gay too, if she wanted to go out with me etc. Of course she went to A. to talk about this, and A. then talked to me and we laughed about it. The icing on the cake was the moment me and a female friend (straight but verrrrry butch-looking) entered the room holding hands and locked ourselves in the bedroom, pretending to have wild sex. We nearly died laughing while jumping on the bed and making sex noises. When we exited the room my roomie was gone and didn't come back for a few hours. Turns out she had gone to A. to complain, who called me and we once again had a good laugh. This cycle has been going on for months now, me acting out, roomie running off to A., who calls me and we laugh about it. Oh and I almost forgot; since she seems to fear the pussy I once wiped her cigarettes on my vagina, I made sure every single one of the cigs got a good swap of juice. I was drunk while that happened, but if I'm bored I might do it again;)

February 24, 2012

I work at a KFC/Taco bell combination and i had a customer today that ordered a taco supreme and a burrito supreme with extra rice and beef as well as a large drink. This normally comes to about $6.00 but the additions brought it up to $9.00. After repeating her order to her 3 times, she paid me and in gave her the food. She then yelled at me for supposedly missing another... Read More » burrito because the price was so high (despite 3 repeats). I showed her the receipt and she told me the register calculated her total wrong. Then i got a calculator out and showed her button by button that the total is the same, to which she said they calculator is wrong too. So to shut her up (she was causing quite a scene) i just decided to get her the burrito. Just so she realizes how stupid she was, i wrote down all of the math on a paper and put it into her bag, but in hindsight i don't know if that would help with how stupid she was.

February 24, 2012

Back in middle school when Yu-Gi-Oh cards were the coolest my brother and I could never convince our mother to buy us a pack. We were the only kids not "d-d-d-dueling" and we needed to climb the cool ladder as fast as possible. So while my mother bought groceries at our local Target we went over to the toy aisle to look at the new packs. Me being the daredevil that... Read More » I am decide to steal a pack for the sake of our popularity. So I take a pack and open it up in my pocket then throw the wrapper away. My little brother attempts to do the same but is extremely unsuccessful; and by that I mean he drops the half open pack in front of a Target employe. Being a loyal associate he get's on his radio and informs security. I tell my brother to follow me and we run into the restroom for safety. When we get in there is a security guard taking a piss while listening to a perfect description of me and my brother over the radio. But sadly this was not going to be that security guards day since he was paralyzed by his urinating and could not stop us. He simply watched us as I threw the cards into the trash and we ran out to join our mother who had just left the cashier. Suck it Paul Blart.

February 24, 2012

My mom was watching me play angry birds on my iPad, and was horrified that I was brutally murdering pigs. So I had to explain to her that the pigs were egg-thieving bastards that deserved to die. It wasn't until she saw their smug little smiles that she, too, seeked revenge for the stolen eggs. I haven't seen my iPad in a while.

February 24, 2012

the awkward moment when an atheist sneezes

February 23, 2012

My girlfriend and I were lying in bed, talking about relationships. At one point I asked, somewhat rhetorically, "What is love?" She replied without missing a beat, "Baby, don't hurt me." I think I found a keeper.

February 23, 2012

My mom works as a computer teacher at the local college. Yet for some reason she couldn't figure out how to turn her own laptop on, & spent a good 20 minutes freaking out. She kept pushing a button with a P on it.. The power button is near the screen, and obvious. She still won't let me touch it because she's convinced that I'm going to break it. When she was still... Read More » taking classes for her masters in business, she asked me to use a chat room. I had to sit there for the first few minutes to make sure she didn't somehow log out of it. There are still points in time that she'll send me over to one of her student's to help them because she's 'too busy', in reality she just doesn't know what they're talking about & figures that I'll know.

February 24, 2012

Dear roommate, You already know that we each have our own printer, and we each have a sh*t ton of stuff to print. I don't mean to sound petty, but stop using mine. I've already asked you to do that though, stop making up dumb excuses that your printer is "too loud" or "broken" or "confusing to assemble." It's a printer, not rocket science.... Read More » You've already cost me $60 worth of ink cartridges and it's not even halfway through the semester; and no, you're not too broke to pitch money to help me buy new ones, because you hoard food like it's nobody's business. I've already asked you to stop, but I guess since that's not enough, I hid my printer USB that you also tried to steal from me. Don't bother looking for it, unless you want to search through a drawer full of drawers...yeah, I have too many pairs of panties to count. It's no use looking for that as well as my new (and third) ink cartridge - it's like searching for a needle in a haystack. And your printer isn't "broken" - while you were gone this weekend, I printed a novel. From, Your no-nonsense, non-commando roommate

February 23, 2012

What does Princess Di have in common with Pink Floyd? Their last big hit was the wall.

February 23, 2012