Roommate Confessions

I'm stuck with these three girls are nicknamed the "herpes whores" in a suite style dorm. They are trashy, nasty girls with respect for other people's stuff. I begun to lose my sanity when they were using a shit ton of my expensive salon brand conditioner. The stuff doesn't won't even work on their fake, bone dried hair because it's for non damaged, natural hair ONLY, yet they... Read More » still use it and complain why their scalps are oily. I had enough of their antics. Once that conditioner bottle was finished, I went out to buy 3 things: the same brand conditioner, but different type so it was a gold bottle as well as some cheap conditioner bought from an Asian market. The final item was Nair Shower Power Max (tough enough to get thick, coarse even.) I emptied the gold bottle's content to my old conditioner bottle and then filled the gold bottle with a mixture of half cheap conditioner and half Nair. To even "warn" those whores, I put a label that said, "Do not use or hair will fall out" before placing it back on the bathroom shelf. Those idiots did not heed the warning and used nearly a quarter of the bottle. Now their hair is falling out and they resemble what they are: crappy attitude = crappy hair. I do not regret a single thing and I never got in trouble with the RAs because it's my stuff. That teaches them to never use people's stuff without permission or else the consequences will be dire.

My friend and I always like to mess with each other. One day I had met this girl and things were going pretty well, but because I knew he used to be into her, I asked to see if it was ok. He promptly gave me the thumbs up, but, as part of our ongoing prank war, texted her asking her out for me, when we barely knew eachother. It quickly weirded her out and ruined my chances, but... Read More » I had to get him back. He thought he had a chance (he didn't) with a super hot girl at our school. When I offered him her number he took it. Secretly I gave him my other friend's #, who was pretending to be the girl. They texted and even set up plans. He had the awkwardest conversation the next day when, in person, he really did talk to the girl and asked "Why weren't you there?" She was so confused and it was always awkward between them.

Well, I know now that you talk MAJOR shit about me with literally everyone I know... You know I have to say I'm not that surprised because it seems to be all that you do, but I thought we were close friends. I mean, I was the one to help you when you were embarrassingly throwing up all over yourself and others at a party while your longterm "marriage potential" boyfriend didn't... Read More » help AT ALL and only held the umbrellas while I had to carry your drunk puke smelling heavy ass 7 blocks by myself? HA WELL ANYWAYS, so I know you're really into conditioning your hair since its curly and what not so I took the liberty of peeing in your fancy conditioner this morning when I took a shower. Sorry.

- Hey, Hoe. Remember how you dumped me, saying how I treated you wrong, despite doing whatever I humanly could to help you out? Well, I found out your dirty, little secrets. How you cheated on me multiple times and even said the reason we're dating is so when I graduate, I'll be making money. Well, while going through your room, grabbing whatever that's mine, I found your weed... Read More » stash. I took whatever you had, leaving just enough for you to smoke in your pipe. Why? Because I wiped my ass with it. Oh, and you work hat, too.

you ran over my dog left her their for 2 hours then called me a pussy when i cryed cus she had to be put down so it was me who shit on your bed stole 300 from you and i also called your mom and told about your weed and booze and got you cut off good luck dick

You know the anonymous girl you complain about for breaking you and Mike up? It was me. I'm really sorry. I didn't know who you were then.

So, you know how I work really hard and have to go in early every day? And you know how you stay up late every night, smoking weed in the living room (right outside my bedroom door) with all the windows shut, have loud sex with your stoner girlfriend in the shower (also right next to my bedroom) and do absolutely no work and never attend class? And how you rip on me constantly... Read More » for being gay and joke that I must just lo-oove sticking my fingers (among other things) up my ass? Well, guess what. I just did. And then I wiped my hands all over your cutlery set out for your romantic, pre-bong valentines meal, without washing my hands. Enjoy your dinner.

Remember when I had a huge crush on that hooter girl that I worked with? Then I brought her over to the house to watch a movie and smoke a blunt and you ended up getting her drunk and porkin her? You apologized and everything was cool. Then a few weeks later I brought my friend from Ohio over and once again you got her drunk so you could plow her. Well I forgot to mention... Read More » before hand that she has a contagious case of flaming herpes. My bad bro.

GRRRRRRRrrrrrrr. That was the sound of your blender every morning at 5am...on Sundays even. You really liked to drink your fucking energy drinks to watch pre-pre-game bullshit for every season of every sport college and pro. Remember when you told me I couldn't watch my TV when baseball playoffs were on because I've "had my time on the TV already"?!?!?! You FUCK! I cut your... Read More » blender power cord and glued it back on. Remeber how you were crying back home to your mom. She sent you a brand new blender OVERNIGHT because you cried like a bitch! The next day you tried to blend up some ice and fried it right away! That was God smiting you! Maybe next time you wont take 3 showers a day and wake up at 5am on sundays you overprivileged Jerry Maguire wannabe!

Hey asshole, remember me, the quiet guy that would always put up with your shit because I knew it was better then being in a constant war always calling you out on your retarded opinions. I kept to myself, I only had my girlfriend over a couple of times because I didn't want her to have to deal with you. We would instead go to her place, no big deal of course, but when i returned... Read More » my shit would often go missing. Money out of drawer, my food and electronics, the millions of batteries. You even stole a couple of my keyboard keys....i mean like who the fuck does that? Even the $250+ MP3 player that i found in your backpack took back and still didn't cause to much of a fuss. Well asshole, remember the time you got high as fuck, broke the window and then fell of the balcony? Yeeee... i know you remember waking up in the hospital with a concussion, you nice christian conservative mother waiting by your side when you reaked of weed and boose. Well yeah, you didn't really fall because of your own stupidity, I threw you out the fucking 3rd story window because you slapped my girlfriend. Hope you enjoyed the broken bones that prevented you from playing for the rest of the hockey season...I know I did.....asshole...

Matt - I was okay with you claiming the bedroom in our one bedroom apartment. But over the course of the first month we lived together you left every pair of your dirty underwear on the bathroom floor when you went to shower, leaving a nice pile that took up 1/3 of our bathroom. You clogged the toilet, I shit you not, 16 times. Yes, I counted. Around 1 or 2 in the morning every... Read More » night you came in, slammed the door (leaving it unlocked) and woke me up. Remember that day you bought some frozen chicken and put it in the fridge instead of the freezer, which led to it thawing and covering the bottom half of the fridge with chicken juice? I poured some of it in your shampoo, body wash, AND face wash, along with an egg that was 2 months expired. No wonder your acne never cleared up. Learn to clean up after yourself, cock bag.

Remember when we first started our semester together all cheerful and happy to be together? We laughed about being from the east coast, boys, and seemed to be on cue on everything? It was so nice when you started dating that dbag and you became a raging bitch. You stole my clothes, my money, and my makeup. in fact, by "sharing" mascara, you gave me a fucking sty. the whole time,... Read More » i kept quiet because i knew i had to fucking live with you for 6 more months. You were so disgusting. I fabreezed your side of the room every fucking day because it smelled like rotting vagina and cum. You washed your sheets a total of twice during the year, which is kind of gross considering that my boyfriend peed in your bed while you were not there. You stole about $300.00 dollars worth of clothes from me, and owed me probably close to $200.00 in cash. But don't worry sweetie, you're going to have fun living in the dorms again next year. Did you wonder why nobody wanted to room with you again? or where your iPod touch went at the end of the year? I bad mouthed you allover campus; i want to see you call me a dirty jew again. I also stole your iPod, iPhone, and $608.97 from you. Your mother should shortly be getting the lab results from my pregnant friend-- your welcome. I hope you have a wonderful summer! xoxo love yaaaaaa

Hey Girls! Remember how the two of you constantly tell me to break up with my boyfriend, because he lives "too far away", even though you know he's in Afghanistan? And how you take 3 hours in the bathroom each morning, then yell at me for making us late to school? And do you remember how you call me stupid, even though you have GPAs of 2.0 OR LOWER, and the only shows you could... Read More » comprehend were Futurama and American Dad (good shows for a laugh, but seriously)? Oh, and remember how you would blab forever about being "independent", even though neither of you have a job and have a Mommy and Daddy that pay your rent? Well, I'm amused that you've both started Weight Watchers, and have goal weights that are 50 pounds heavier than I weigh (eat some vegetables!) You wanna know why you haven't been losing weight? Well, since I'm the only one who ever cooks, everything I've been making has been out of the Paula Deen cookbook and laden with butter and cream. And when a guy asks me about you (which is rare) I just tell them about all the times you've thought you had an STD or yeast infection. Maybe you should wash your vag during those 3 hour showers. Enjoy being fat and single, and I'll enjoy my boyfriend.

My roommate is so disgusting. He chews and spits into bottles that don't have a cap so they frequently spill on our carpet. He also has this good for nothing Australian Sheppard who pees and shits all over our carpet with no repercussions. The dog always seems to shit within a step of my door and late night urinating leds to me stepping in his dog's shit. So, to counteract... Read More » all of the shit I had to clean off my bare feet I poured your chew spit into your dogs water bowl, causing it to have explosive diarrhea all over your room. I also knocked over one of your spitters on to your computer. It was so perfect that you leave half eaten food on your desk next to your dozens of spitters and your computer. You thought your piece of shit dog did it. P.S. I fucked your girlfriend several weeks later and she was nice enough to say, "John never fucks me like that"

I was never actually your roommate. Your neighbor, who you met on the first day and told that you didn't get assigned a roommate, happened to be a friend of mine, and we thought it would be funny if we could convince you that I was your actual roommate. So I showed up a week into the semester and you let me in. Then a month later when I never showed up again, you thought that... Read More » something happened to me and the school was covering it up because they denied my existence. You didn't find it weird that I had always misplaced my key and you had to let me in every time? I can't believe you bought that fake New Zealand accent. Cheers.

I always replaced your Bacardi with Fleischmann's. I would've stopped doing it after the first few times but you always stated how your "Bacardi" tastes so much better than my "Fleischmann's". Also you smelled bad and woke me up every morning by slamming our door shut as you left for class, so I think I deserved the better booze.

Remember the time you and your buddies drank the last 6 beers I had in the fridge and when I ask for some money to go buy more you refused? Do you also remember a week later when you were walking to the bar with your friends and three guys jumped you and only took your money? STOP DRINKING MY BEER!!

My one roommate from a couple years ago was known for having sex in the dorm room with thin walls. When he realized he started to have a reputation from that, one time he decided to blare porn and leave the room while I sat outside the dorm room in the hallway on the floor eating popcorn. He comes back about 10 minutes later to a small group of people congregating around the door... Read More » listening in on the sex noise where then somebody then presents the thought, "he's so good, he doesn't even need to be in the room"

Remember when you used my face towel from MY bathroom as a jizz towel? Remember when you and all your friends got such a good laugh when you told me? I used your little sister's high school face as a jizz towel last Friday. Your friend's sister is hot too; I'll call her sometime.

I was at the bar the other night, and I didn't have a chance to use the bathroom before I left (getting one more drink order in before last call was more pressing). I tried to hold it for as long as I could, and I even made it all the way to our bathroom, but before I could get my pants unzipped and off I ended up peeing all over myself and the floor. I totally wiped it up and... Read More » sprayed some Windex Antibacterial on the floor, though, so I hope we're cool. It wasn't meant in retaliation for anything you did; I just have really shitty bladder control when I'm drunk.