Penn Jillette, Gilbert Gottfried, and Lisa Lampanelli start a flame war with the world's most popular website.
By Ben Joseph & CollegeHumor Staff
EXT. CONCERT HALL - NIGHT A sign indicates that tonight is the ROAST OF FACEBOOK. LAUGHTER emanates from within. INT. CONCERT HALL - CONTINUOUS A number of websites (MYSPACE, TWITTER, FOURSQUARE, etc.), all represented by their logos, sit on a DAIS. GOOGLE's at the podium. The LAUGHTER from his last joke fades. GOOGLE But now, people spend an average of 3 hours a day on Facebook. Of course, for 2 hours and 54 minutes of that, they're trying to figure out their privacy settings. LAUGHTER. GOOGLE Seriously, Facebook collects so much personal information he's going to be on an upcoming episode of Hoarders. He stacks up ad keywords like they're back issues of National Geographic. LAUGHTER. GOOGLE But hey, your ads could be worse. Look at MySpace! MYSPACE wears a PETER GRIFFIN MASK and holds up a sign that says "WATCH FAMILY GUY!" GOOGLE You're more desperate to make money than than a jdate user. LAUGHTER. JDATE, in the audience, does a spit-take. MySpace quickly removes the mask and puts away the sign. Amid LAUGHTER, Google leaves and TWITTER takes the stage. TWITTER Guys, somebody call a janitor, a fourteen-year-old girl puked all over the stage! (beat) Oh, sorry, that's just MySpace. (beat) MySpace! What a fucking disaster. My space between my balls and my anus gets more hits than you. LOUD LAUGHTER. MYSPACE (nervous) All right, let's remember who we're roasting here. TWITTER Facebook! You know how I know The Social Network was a lie? It made Mark Zuckerberg interesting. LAUGHTER. TWITTER That guy really puts the "ass" in Aspergers. Your Terms of Service could be a more dynamic leader.¬† LAUGHTER. TWITTER Hey, Zuck here's a Status Update for you: You're fucking the same ugly Asian chick you were before you became a billionaire. LAUGHTER. TWITTER Moving on! The mayor of nobody gives a fuck anymore, FourSquare! (beat, hushed) But seriously, MySpace, you look like shit. MySpace smiles weakly as FourSquare takes the stage. FOURSQUARE And I thought that asshole had a character limit. LIGHT LAUGHTER. PANDORA, on the drums, delivers a RIM SHOT. FOURSQUARE Facebook! You ruthless motherfucker. You've screwed over more rich white guys than the Wednesday night line up at the Hustler Club. LAUGHTER. FOURSQUARE Now, I'm not saying all of Facebook's features are stolen, but I did just see him buying Facebook Questions out of the back of some black dude's El Camino. LAUGHTER. FOURSQUARE But who am I to judge? You're huge! The only thing more popular than your "Like" button is MySpace's "Delete Account" button. LAUGHTER and some "OOOs". FOURSQUARE MySpace. Thank God for failed musicians, because without them, you'd just be a failed website. FourSquare sits down amidst LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. MySpace takes his place. He puts on GLASSES and takes out an official looking FOLDER. MYSPACE Now, for my jokes. About Facebook. (clears his throat) Some scientists found Facebook might cause depression. No wonder the website's blue. AWKWARD SILENCE. MYSPACE Gizmodo.com thinks you're "not technically competent enough to trusted." Isn't that- That's something, right? AWKWARD SILENCE. GIZMODO, in the audience, shakes his head, not wanting to be pulled in. REDDIT Don't you use Facebook Connect now? MYSPACE I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! MIC FEEDBACK. Awkward silence. MYSPACE Hey, remember when Facebook's third party apps leaked all that user info? What are you, a website? Or the Titanic? Cause- of the leak. GROANS and BOOS. REDDIT Down-vote! YOUTUBE You're worse than The Situation! MYSPACE Come on, guys! (desperate) Friendster! You know what I'm talking about. FRIENDSTER, in the back, in a tux, serves drinks. FRIENDSTER I'm just working tonight, man. POST-HUH: COLLEGEHUMOR is at the podium with a HUGE STACK OF PAPERS. He reads jokes to a bored audience. COLLEGEHUMOR ...and that's just my 231st joke about poking. The audience starts walking out. c COLLEGEHUMOR Guys, where are you going? I have so many more of these!