Penn Jillette, Gilbert Gottfried, and Lisa Lampanelli start a flame war with the world's most popular website.
By Ben Joseph & CollegeHumor Staff
EXT. CONCERT HALL - NIGHT
A sign indicates that tonight is the ROAST OF FACEBOOK. LAUGHTER
emanates from within.
INT. CONCERT HALL - CONTINUOUS
A number of websites (MYSPACE, TWITTER, FOURSQUARE, etc.),
all represented by their logos, sit on a DAIS. GOOGLE's at the
podium. The LAUGHTER from his last joke fades.
But now, people spend an average of
3 hours a day on Facebook. Of
course, for 2 hours and 54 minutes
of that, they're trying to figure
out their privacy settings.
Seriously, Facebook collects so
much personal information he's
going to be on an upcoming episode
of Hoarders. He stacks up ad keywords
like they're back issues of
But hey, your ads could be worse.
Look at MySpace!
MYSPACE wears a PETER GRIFFIN MASK and holds up a sign that
says "WATCH FAMILY GUY!"
You're more desperate to make money
than than a jdate user.
LAUGHTER. JDATE, in the audience, does a spit-take.
MySpace quickly removes the mask and puts away the sign.
Amid LAUGHTER, Google leaves and TWITTER takes the stage.
Guys, somebody call a janitor, a
fourteen-year-old girl puked all
over the stage!
Oh, sorry, that's just MySpace.
MySpace! What a fucking disaster.
My space between my balls and my
anus gets more hits than you.
All right, let's remember who we're
Facebook! You know how I know The
Social Network was a lie? It made
Mark Zuckerberg interesting.
That guy really puts the "ass" in
Aspergers. Your Terms of Service
could be a more dynamic leader.¬†
Hey, Zuck here's a Status Update
for you: You're fucking the same
ugly Asian chick you were before
you became a billionaire.
Moving on! The mayor of nobody
gives a fuck anymore, FourSquare!
But seriously, MySpace, you look
MySpace smiles weakly as FourSquare takes the stage.
And I thought that asshole had a
LIGHT LAUGHTER. PANDORA, on the drums, delivers a RIM SHOT.
Facebook! You ruthless
motherfucker. You've screwed over
more rich white guys than the
Wednesday night line up at the
Now, I'm not saying all of
Facebook's features are stolen, but
I did just see him buying Facebook
Questions out of the back of some
black dude's El Camino.
But who am I to judge? You're huge!
The only thing more popular than
your "Like" button is MySpace's
"Delete Account" button.
LAUGHTER and some "OOOs".
MySpace. Thank God for failed
musicians, because without them,
you'd just be a failed website.
FourSquare sits down amidst LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. MySpace takes
his place. He puts on GLASSES and takes out an official
Now, for my jokes. About Facebook.
(clears his throat)
Some scientists found Facebook
might cause depression. No wonder
the website's blue.
Gizmodo.com thinks you're "not
technically competent enough to
trusted." Isn't that- That's something,
AWKWARD SILENCE. GIZMODO, in the audience, shakes his head, not
wanting to be pulled in.
Don't you use Facebook Connect now?
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!
MIC FEEDBACK. Awkward silence.
Hey, remember when Facebook's third
party apps leaked all that user
info? What are you, a website? Or
the Titanic? Cause- of the leak.
GROANS and BOOS.
You're worse than The Situation!
Come on, guys!
Friendster! You know what I'm
FRIENDSTER, in the back, in a tux, serves drinks.
I'm just working tonight, man.
COLLEGEHUMOR is at the podium with a HUGE STACK OF PAPERS.
He reads jokes to a bored audience.
...and that's just my 231st joke
The audience starts walking out. c
Guys, where are you going? I have
so many more of these!