I'm Such A Nerd (with Katrina Bowden)

By

Ben Joseph

INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT

KEN and JULIE, 20s, are on a first date.
Julie LAUGHS as Ken finishes a story. He smiles nervously.

JULIE
Is everything OK? You look
uncomfortable.

KEN
I'm sorry. It's just- a girl like
you doesn't usually go out with a
guy like me. You know, a nerd.

JULIE
Hey, I'm a total nerd, too.

KEN
Oh, girls always say that.

JULIE
No seriously! I love Firefly, I
play Dungeons and Dragons, and I
think Holy Grail is way worse
than-

JULIE/KEN
(finishing with her)
-The Life of Brian.
(bad British accent)
Stwike him, Centuwion. Stwike him
vewy wuffly!

The two LAUGH.

KEN
Oh, wow this is great! We have so
much in common. You should totally
come over and play Halo later.

JULIE
(suddenly serious)
That's a joke, right?

KEN
Uh, I just thought- since you said-

JULIE
I said I was a nerd. Not some beer
guzzling frat boy who likes generic
shooters with shitty, floaty
controls, awful vehicle combat-

Ken's horrified. Julie composes herself.

JULIE
I'm sorry. I get really passionate
about this stuff.

She chuckles charmingly.

JULIE
Sometimes, I'll hang out in the
manga section of Barnes and Noble
for hours.

KEN
(mispronouncing "manga")
Oh, I love manga! Dragonball Z,
Spirited Away....

He trails off as Julie's face falls.

JULIE
Well, uh, first if you're watching
it on TV, it's an anime, not a
manga. Second, Spirited Away?
There are SO many better Ghibli
films than that over-promoted Oscar
bait.

KEN
Ghibli? Is that, like, a Pokemon?

Julie takes a deep breath.

JULIE
At least tell me you watch them in
the original Japanese.

KEN
I don't really like reading
sub-titles.

JULIE
(SUB-TITLED, in Japanese)
I didn't say anything about
sub-titles.

Ken looks at her, confused.

JULIE
This isn't going to work out. We're
too different. Like Otacon and
Sniper Wolf.

KEN
I'm not sure-

Julie gets up to leave. Ken stops her.

KEN
Wait! So you're a little nerdier
than I am. We both love pop
culture. There has to be some
common ground.

Julie thinks for a moment.

JULIE
Star Wars?

KEN
(agreeing)
Star Wars.

JULIE
The prequels: So bad, am I right?

KEN
I know! When they made Yoda fight
with that tiny lightsaber? That
looked so silly.

JULIE
Almost as silly as having Yuuzhan
Vong kill Chewbacca, right?

KEN
(clearly lost)
Oh, uh, that guy- He's so evil-
Ooo, evil robot dude-

Ken trails off. He's got nothing.

JULIE
Oh for F*CK'S sake. The Expanded
Universe? The novels, the comics?

KEN
Don't those suck?

JULIE
That's not the point! Sure, Martha
Jones was a shitty Dr. Who
companion, but that doesn't mean I
stopped watching Dr. Who.

KEN
Who?

Julie's eyes start to water.

JULIE
That better have been a clever
joke.

KEN
Of course it was!
(quiet, desperate)
He's James a Bond villain, right?

Julie stares at Ken, almost in tears. She SLAPS him across
the face and walks away.

POST-HUH.

INT. BEDROOM - LATER

Julie and her friend STACY paint LEAD FIGURINES as if they
were painting their toenails.

JULIE
(almost crying)
-and he couldn't even name all of
the current Batman titles.

STACY
Sh. Sh. It's OK. Let's go play some
Catan.