Nudity is not a crime. These clothes are.
By Jake Hurwitz
INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM
Mr. Stevens, walks in and addresses the classroom as he
writes his name on a chalkboard board.
Good morning class, my name is Mr.
Stevens. I'm your substitute
teacher while Miss Tempinski is out
with whooping cough.
Mr. Stevens writes "Mr. S" on the board.
And I hate you guys for making me
mention this so often, but I will
remind you- inappropriate clothes
are not tolerated in this
classroom. For instance, jeggings.
As Mr. Stevens says this last line he stares daggers at a
girl in the front row.
What? These aren't jeggings.
Jean Capri Leggings.
You're... not smart.
You're a fat fucking fogey.
One of those IS actually a swear
word. So you are in trouble.
Am I allowed to wear my belly
(Wearing a skirt that only
covers her belly button)
What about my belly skirt.
What store sells- wait, you know, I
think you're just doing a bad job
of wearing a skirt.
No, I bought this at Slut Gap.
That can't be a real store.
(a girl who is naked)
It is. It's where I bought this
You're just naked.
Um how about no.
You are not wearing clothes.
Omar is wearing a hat.
That's a turban, and it's a
(wearing a turban, stands up,
and he is wearing no pants and
a smaller turban covers his
I'm also wearing a dick turban.
Omar I vouched for you. You let me
Can I wear these reverse wedges?
Mindy shows her shoes, they're high heels that are sloped
the opposite way.
I guess. How do you walk in those?
Like this you retarded fogey-
She loses her balance and immediately falls backwards into
My dick turban!
That's why you can't wear that!
(a girl who isn't wearing a
How low is too low on my triple
wide scoop neck sweater?
Well I can see both of your breasts
I'm not wearing the scoop neck,
this is a nonesie.
Right. That's worse.
Fine I'll put on my scoop neck.
(puts on a scoop neck, it
falls completely around her
It's about the same actually. What
do your parents say when you leave
All our parents are dead.
That... actually makes a lot of
sense. I'm sorry.
Can I wear Kyle?
Lala is sitting at her desk straddling a guy's lap. His head
nuzzled in her shoulder.
Can. I. Wear. Kyle.
You're. Having. Sex. At. Your.
Is that a yes or are you being a
fogey about it.
The class breaks out into frustrated groans and whispers of
agitation, the word fogey is heard a lot. Mr. Stevens takes
out his keys and scratches them across the whole length of
the chalkboard. Everyone is quiet.
As Mr. Stevens lists the following banned items we cut to
kids wearing them.
Listen up you orphan skanks! New
rules. This is MY house, and there
will be no cellophane hoodies, no
bra cardigans, no Q-neck t-shirts,
no Hollister cologne- that one's a
personal preference- no fucking at
the desks, and I can not be more
clear about this
(screaming in Becky's face)
no jeggings. Understood?
Miss Tempinksi pokes her head in the door.
Hello? Sorry to interrupt.
Miss Tempinski, what are you doing
here? Your whooping cough...
I'll be ok, I just came by to grab
some papers. Excuse me, class.
Miss Tempinski walks to her desk, she's in a triple wide
scoop neck. Her breasts are exposed.
Miss T is that...
Yes. It's a triple wide scoop neck
Mr. slowly, dramatically unbottons his shirt. He's wearing a
triple wide scoop neck as well.
It looks good.
The sexual tension mounts.
Tell me Miss T, is whooping cough
Not in the slightest.
The two lunge in and start fiercely making out.
The classroom erupts in disgusted groans.
What's the matter you never seen
two fogeys in a triple wide
I want to wear you Mr. Stevens!