From CH Staff on
Nudity is not a crime. These clothes are.
By Jake Hurwitz
INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM Mr. Stevens, walks in and addresses the classroom as he writes his name on a chalkboard board. MR. STEVENS Good morning class, my name is Mr. Stevens. I'm your substitute teacher while Miss Tempinski is out with whooping cough. Mr. Stevens writes "Mr. S" on the board. MR. STEVENS (continued) And I hate you guys for making me mention this so often, but I will remind you- inappropriate clothes are not tolerated in this classroom. For instance, jeggings. As Mr. Stevens says this last line he stares daggers at a girl in the front row. BECKY What? These aren't jeggings. They're japriggings. MR. STEVENS What? BECKY Jean Capri Leggings. MR. STEVENS You're... not smart. BECKY You're a fat fucking fogey. MR. STEVENS One of those IS actually a swear word. So you are in trouble. FREIDA Am I allowed to wear my belly shirt? MR. STEVENS I guess. RACHELLE (Wearing a skirt that only covers her belly button) What about my belly skirt. MR. STEVENS What store sells- wait, you know, I think you're just doing a bad job of wearing a skirt. RACHELLE No, I bought this at Slut Gap. MR. STEVENS That can't be a real store. INGRID (a girl who is naked) It is. It's where I bought this nonesie. MR. STEVENS You're just naked. INGRID Um how about no. MR. STEVENS (long pause) You are not wearing clothes. FREIDA Omar is wearing a hat. MR. STEVENS That's a turban, and it's a religious thing. OMAR (wearing a turban, stands up, and he is wearing no pants and a smaller turban covers his penis.) I'm also wearing a dick turban. MR. STEVENS Omar I vouched for you. You let me down. MINDY Can I wear these reverse wedges? Mindy shows her shoes, they're high heels that are sloped the opposite way. MR. STEVENS I guess. How do you walk in those? MINDY (standing) Like this you retarded fogey- She loses her balance and immediately falls backwards into Omar's lap. OMAR My dick turban! MR. STEVENS That's why you can't wear that! KYLIE (a girl who isn't wearing a shirt) How low is too low on my triple wide scoop neck sweater? MR. STEVENS Well I can see both of your breasts so- KYLIE I'm not wearing the scoop neck, this is a nonesie. MR. STEVENS Right. That's worse. KYLIE Fine I'll put on my scoop neck. (puts on a scoop neck, it falls completely around her waist) Better? MR. STEVENS It's about the same actually. What do your parents say when you leave the house? FREIDA All our parents are dead. MR. STEVENS That... actually makes a lot of sense. I'm sorry. LALA Can I wear Kyle? MR. STEVENS What? Lala is sitting at her desk straddling a guy's lap. His head nuzzled in her shoulder. LALA (slowly) Can. I. Wear. Kyle. MR. STEVENS (matching her) You're. Having. Sex. At. Your. Desk. LALA Is that a yes or are you being a fogey about it. The class breaks out into frustrated groans and whispers of agitation, the word fogey is heard a lot. Mr. Stevens takes out his keys and scratches them across the whole length of the chalkboard. Everyone is quiet. As Mr. Stevens lists the following banned items we cut to kids wearing them. MR. STEVENS Listen up you orphan skanks! New rules. This is MY house, and there will be no cellophane hoodies, no bra cardigans, no Q-neck t-shirts, no Hollister cologne- that one's a personal preference- no fucking at the desks, and I can not be more clear about this (screaming in Becky's face) no jeggings. Understood? CLASS Yes. MR. STEVENS Good. Now- Miss Tempinksi pokes her head in the door. MISS TEMPINKSI Hello? Sorry to interrupt. MR. STEVENS Miss Tempinski, what are you doing here? Your whooping cough... MISS TEMPINKSI I'll be ok, I just came by to grab some papers. Excuse me, class. Miss Tempinski walks to her desk, she's in a triple wide scoop neck. Her breasts are exposed. MR. STEVENS Miss T is that... MISS TEMPINKSI Yes. It's a triple wide scoop neck sweater. Cashmere. Mr. slowly, dramatically unbottons his shirt. He's wearing a triple wide scoop neck as well. MR. STEVENS It looks good. The sexual tension mounts. MR. STEVENS Tell me Miss T, is whooping cough contagious? MISS TEMPINSKI Not in the slightest. The two lunge in and start fiercely making out. The classroom erupts in disgusted groans. MR. STEVENS What's the matter you never seen two fogeys in a triple wide scoopie? MISS TEMPINKSI I want to wear you Mr. Stevens!