The Problems With Jeggings Continue

By

Jake Hurwitz

          INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM

          Mr. Stevens, walks in and addresses the classroom as he
          writes his name on a chalkboard board.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Good morning class, my name is Mr.
                    Stevens. I'm your substitute
                    teacher while Miss Tempinski is out
                    with whooping cough.

          Mr. Stevens writes "Mr. S" on the board.

                              MR. STEVENS
                         (continued)
                    And I hate you guys for making me
                    mention this so often, but I will
                    remind you- inappropriate clothes
                    are not tolerated in this
                    classroom. For instance, jeggings.

          As Mr. Stevens says this last line he stares daggers at a
          girl in the front row.

                              BECKY
                    What? These aren't jeggings.
                    They're japriggings.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    What?

                              BECKY
                    Jean Capri Leggings.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    You're... not smart.

                              BECKY
                    You're a fat fucking fogey.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    One of those IS actually a swear
                    word. So you are in trouble.

                              FREIDA
                    Am I allowed to wear my belly
                    shirt?

                              MR. STEVENS
                    I guess.

                              RACHELLE
                         (Wearing a skirt that only
                         covers her belly button)
                    What about my belly skirt.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    What store sells- wait, you know, I
                    think you're just doing a bad job
                    of wearing a skirt.

                              RACHELLE
                    No, I bought this at Slut Gap.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    That can't be a real store.

                              INGRID
                         (a girl who is naked)
                    It is. It's where I bought this
                    nonesie.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    You're just naked.

                              INGRID
                    Um how about no.

                              MR. STEVENS
                         (long pause)
                    You are not wearing clothes.

                              FREIDA
                    Omar is wearing a hat.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    That's a turban, and it's a
                    religious thing.

                              OMAR
                         (wearing a turban, stands up,
                         and he is wearing no pants and
                         a smaller turban covers his
                         penis.)
                    I'm also wearing a dick turban.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Omar I vouched for you. You let me
                    down.

                              MINDY
                    Can I wear these reverse wedges?

          Mindy shows her shoes, they're high heels that are sloped
          the opposite way.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    I guess. How do you walk in those?

                              MINDY
                         (standing)
                    Like this you retarded fogey-

          She loses her balance and immediately falls backwards into
          Omar's lap.

                              OMAR
                    My dick turban!

                              MR. STEVENS
                    That's why you can't wear that!

                              KYLIE
                         (a girl who isn't wearing a
                         shirt)
                    How low is too low on my triple
                    wide scoop neck sweater?

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Well I can see both of your breasts
                    so-

                              KYLIE
                    I'm not wearing the scoop neck,
                    this is a nonesie.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Right. That's worse.

                              KYLIE
                    Fine I'll put on my scoop neck.
                         (puts on a scoop neck, it
                         falls completely around her
                         waist)
                    Better?

                              MR. STEVENS
                    It's about the same actually. What
                    do your parents say when you leave
                    the house?

                              FREIDA
                    All our parents are dead.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    That... actually makes a lot of
                    sense. I'm sorry.

                              LALA
                    Can I wear Kyle?

                              MR. STEVENS
                    What?

          Lala is sitting at her desk straddling a guy's lap. His head
          nuzzled in her shoulder.

                              LALA
                         (slowly)
                    Can. I. Wear. Kyle.

                              MR. STEVENS
                         (matching her)
                    You're. Having. Sex. At. Your.
                    Desk.

                              LALA
                    Is that a yes or are you being a
                    fogey about it.

          The class breaks out into frustrated groans and whispers of
          agitation, the word fogey is heard a lot. Mr. Stevens takes
          out his keys and scratches them across the whole length of
          the chalkboard. Everyone is quiet.

          As Mr. Stevens lists the following banned items we cut to
          kids wearing them.

          

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Listen up you orphan skanks! New
                    rules. This is MY house, and there
                    will be no cellophane hoodies, no
                    bra cardigans, no Q-neck t-shirts,
                    no Hollister cologne- that one's a
                    personal preference- no fucking at
                    the desks, and I can not be more
                    clear about this
                         (screaming in Becky's face)
                    no jeggings. Understood?

                              CLASS
                    Yes.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Good. Now-

          Miss Tempinksi pokes her head in the door.

                              MISS TEMPINKSI
                    Hello? Sorry to interrupt.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Miss Tempinski, what are you doing
                    here? Your whooping cough...

                              MISS TEMPINKSI
                    I'll be ok, I just came by to grab
                    some papers. Excuse me, class.

          Miss Tempinski walks to her desk, she's in a triple wide
          scoop neck. Her breasts are exposed.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Miss T is that...

                              MISS TEMPINKSI
                    Yes. It's a triple wide scoop neck
                    sweater. Cashmere.

          Mr. slowly, dramatically unbottons his shirt. He's wearing a
          triple wide scoop neck as well.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    It looks good.

          The sexual tension mounts.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Tell me Miss T, is whooping cough
                    contagious?

                              MISS TEMPINSKI
                    Not in the slightest.

          The two lunge in and start fiercely making out.

          The classroom erupts in disgusted groans.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    What's the matter you never seen
                    two fogeys in a triple wide
                    scoopie?

                              MISS TEMPINKSI
                    I want to wear you Mr. Stevens!