And The Band Played On (Featuring Weird Al Yankovic)

By

Patrick Cassels

          EXT. LUXURY LINER (DECK) -- 1912 -- NIGHT

          We're sinking. A moderate crowd of high society PASSENGERS
          shuffle concerned around deck. Most have life vests strapped
          over their tux's and gowns.

          The CAPTAIN approaches the ship's 3-piece band: a VIOLIN, a
          CELLO, and on accordion, the LEADER (Yankovic).

                              CAPTAIN
                    Men, we have not more than an hour
                    above water! I suggest you find
                    yourselves seats on a lifeboat.

                              LEADER
                    Your concern is appreciated,
                    Captain. But we have decided to
                    play on until... the end. Perhaps
                    our music will provide some peace
                    in these passengers' final hours.

                              CAPTAIN
                    Remarkable. Play on, then.

          The Captain closes his eyes to take the music in. The band
          launches into a cruelly uptempo polka-ish tune:

                              LEADER
                         (singing)
                    No hope is left of being saved/The
                    icy sea will be your grave/Pain and
                    death await us all./Hey, I wonder
                    what it's like to drown?

          The passengers, already nervous, freak the f**k out at this
          song. They shove each other over, dart left and right, etc.

                              CAPTAIN
                         (frozen, appalled smile)
                    Okay. Hey, perhaps you men should
                    find a lifeboat after all.

                              LEADER
                    No, we've accepted our fate.
                    Perhaps our music will provide...

                              CAPTAIN
                         (scraping up enthusiasm)
                    --some peace, yeah. I got it. Could
                    you provide some peace with
                    something a little less, dark?

                              LEADER
                    Ah! A happy tune! Like that new
                    jazzamatazz that's been sweeping
                    the American South.

                              CAPTAIN
                    Yes, exactly. Jazzama-? Is that a
                    thing? Whatever, that'd be fine.

          The band launches into a happy melody. They sing:

                              LEADER
                    How many lifeboats are left now?

                              BAND
                    None!

                              LEADER
                    Said how many lifeboats are left
                    now?

                              BAND
                    None at all!

                              LEADER
                    Well maybe there's one left, maybe
                    one more/And if you strangle
                    through the others, this lifeboat
                    could be yours!

          The passengers go feral, screaming and punching each other,
          losing all humanity as they desperately look for the
          lifeboat. A COWARDLY GENTLEMAN throws a KID overboard.

          The band finishes. Leader nods to the Captain.

                              CAPTAIN
                    Stop nodding! Why are you nodding?

                              LEADER
                    What's wrong?

                              CAPTAIN
                    What is with those lyrics, man?

                              LEADER
                    Hey, "No More Lifeboats!" is one of
                    our biggest hits.

                              CAPTAIN
                    You had these already written?!

                              LEADER
                    Of course. We wrote it around the
                    same time we wrote, let's see,
                    "Survival is a Statistical
                    Impossibility," um...

                              VIOLIN
                    Oh and "Deep Sea Crabs Will Eat
                    Your Face"!

                              CELLO
                         (loud; in Capt's face)
                    I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SHOOT YOU
                    FOR THAT LIFE JACKET!

          The Captain jumps, defensive.

                              CELLO (CONT'D)
                         (suddenly calm again)
                    ...is another favorite.

                              CAPTAIN
                    The passengers are terrified!

                              LEADER
                    As they should be, after all...
                         (singing)
                    Their lungs will soon be
                    filled/With briny water and, like,
                    probably some fecal matter from
                    terrified swimmers...

          Another stab of chaos among the passengers. The Cowardly
          Passenger grabs ANOTHER KID (not even in his way, really)
          and throws her overboard.

                              CAPTAIN
                    Let me guess, that's one of your
                    biggest hits, too.

                              LEADER
                    No, we were just sort of riffing
                    there.
                         (beat; to band)
                    Let's try it again louder.

                              CAPTAIN
                    Gentlemen!! This ship is going
                    down. The passengers need a song
                    that fills them with courage, not
                    morbid tunes about lobsters eating
                    our bodies--

                              VIOLIN
                    It was crabs, actually. And they
                    were just eating the face area:
                    ears, nose, eyeballs...

                              LEADER
                         (genuine)
                    The Captain's right. Let's play a
                    tune that will fill this entire
                    deck with the same strength and
                    resolve he has shown...

          The band strikes up a confident, marching tune.

                              LEADER
                         (beat; then, singing)
                    Fear not the sea, but think
                    instead/Of our brave Captain, who
                    welcomes death/When that iceberg
                    first appeared/He did not turn, he
                    did not steer...
                         (almost talking now)
                    A lot of people warned him about
                    taking a ship out without enough
                    lifeboats but he would not be
                    scared away. So brave!

          As the band continues, the passengers frown at a mortified
          Captain. END.