He's looking for unlikely heroes. Maybe a little too hard.
By Ben Joseph
TITLE CARD: THE SOCIAL NETWORK As the FINAL CREDITS scroll by, we CUT TO: INT. LAW OFFICE MARK ZUCKERBERG sits typing. He stops and sighs. A SLOW CLAP causes him to sit up with a start - it's NICK FURY. NICK FURY "If you were the inventors of Facebook, you would have invented Facebook." Ha! I like that. MARK ZUCKERBERG Who are you? NICK FURY Nick Fury. Director of SHIELD. You feeling sorry for yourself, little billionaire? Sad that you don't have any real friends? MARK ZUCKERBERG I'm not- NICK FURY I like you, Mark Zuckerberg. I want to be your friend. (leans forward) Do you want me to be your friend, Mark Zuckerberg? Mark's not sure how to react. TITLE CARD: BLACK SWAN INT. THEATER - BACKSTAGE NINA, in her WHITE SWAN costume, drags herself backstage. THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE can be heard in the distance. It dies, but one SLOW CLAP continues. It's Nick Fury. NINA (very weak) Who... NICK FURY You're crazy and have swan powers. I like that. NINA I think- They were hallucinations- NICK You ready to use those crazy-ass swan powers to help your country? Nina collapses. NICK Ah. Nick walks away awkwardly. TITLE CARD: SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE EXT. STREET - NIGHT On a wall, the moon behind them, KIRK leans into MOLLY (the "10") while CHEESY POP plays. They KISS. Nick Fury POPS UP BEHIND THEM. The music stops. NICK FURY BOO! The couple SCREAMS. NICK FURY She's a ten. You're a- (checks him out) -5. And you made it work despite some hilarious obstacles! I like that. Want to be a superhero? KIRK I'm not sure I'm, uh- NICK FURY -qualified? Screw that. We just hired a guy who shoots arrows. ARROWS! (beat) You want his spot? Kirk doesn't say anything. TITLE CARD: PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2 INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN POV of a B&W SECURITY CAMERA, just like the movie. NICK FURY walks in, SLOW CLAPPING. NICK FURY (to camera) Well, well, well. I hear you're a pretty scary ghost, ghost. (beat) I guess the real question is, are you ready to be scary... For your country? In the background a DOOR OPENS by itself. NICK FURY Oh shit- Fury fires his gun repeatedly at the door. TITLE CARD: TOY STORY 3 INT. TOY CHEST We're inside the chest as it closes, obscuring a LITTLE GIRL'S ROOM. We hear FOOTSTEPS. BUZZ/WOODY/OTHERS Sh! She's coming! / Everybody be quiet! / Calm down! The chest OPENS, revealing NICK FURY'S FACE. NICK FURY That's right. Nick Fury broke into this little girl's room. (beat) Hey guess what? You're toys that move when kids aren't watching. That's freaky. I like freaky. (beat) Way freakier than some ghost that opens door. Ghost, you're out. Toys, you're in. TITLE CARD: BABIES: A DOCUMENTARY EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH An ADORABLE AFRICAN TODDLER sits and plays in the dirt. NICK FURY'S boots come into frame. A BEAT. Nick Fury PICKS UP THE TODDLER and runs away. TITLE CARD: THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE EXT. WOODS EDWARD CULLEN stands, SPARKLING in the SUN, with BELLA. There's a RUSTLING in the woods. JACOB emerges. BELLA Jacob! JACOB Bella, I- SLOW CLAPPING. Nick Fury approaches. NICK FURY Well, well- You know what? No. No. Avengers don't need no sparkly vampires. Wolf boy, you're in. Just find a damn shirt. Jacob pumps his fist. NICK FURY Hell, pale girl, you can come too. The three walk off. EDWARD But I- NICK FURY NO! CUT TO: INT. AVENGERS HEADQUARTERS HEROIC MUSIC. The AVENGERS - THOR, IRON MAN, BRUCE BANNER, CAPTAIN AMERICA, HAWKEYE - stand in a HERO SHOT. The music stops. PULL OUT TO REVEAL: The other characters from the sketch stand awkwardly next to the heroes. REVERSE: Nick and a SHIELD AGENT in a suit review the group. SHIELD AGENT Yeah, there are WAY too many people on this team. NICK FURY (non-sequitur) I USED TO BE A WHITE GUY! SMASH CUT TO: AVENGERS TITLE CARD over HEROIC MUSIC. END.