He's looking for unlikely heroes. Maybe a little too hard.
By Ben Joseph
TITLE CARD: THE SOCIAL NETWORK
As the FINAL CREDITS scroll by, we CUT TO:
INT. LAW OFFICE
MARK ZUCKERBERG sits typing. He stops and sighs. A SLOW CLAP
causes him to sit up with a start - it's NICK FURY.
"If you were the inventors of
Facebook, you would have invented
Facebook." Ha! I like that.
Who are you?
Nick Fury. Director of SHIELD. You
feeling sorry for yourself, little
billionaire? Sad that you don't
have any real friends?
I like you, Mark Zuckerberg. I want
to be your friend.
Do you want me to be your friend,
Mark's not sure how to react.
TITLE CARD: BLACK SWAN
INT. THEATER - BACKSTAGE
NINA, in her WHITE SWAN costume, drags herself backstage.
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE can be heard in the distance. It dies,
but one SLOW CLAP continues. It's Nick Fury.
You're crazy and have swan powers.
I like that.
I think- They were hallucinations-
You ready to use those crazy-ass
swan powers to help your country?
Nick walks away awkwardly.
TITLE CARD: SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
On a wall, the moon behind them, KIRK leans
into MOLLY (the "10") while CHEESY POP plays. They KISS.
Nick Fury POPS UP BEHIND THEM. The music stops.
The couple SCREAMS.
She's a ten. You're a-
(checks him out)
-5. And you made it work despite
some hilarious obstacles! I like
that. Want to be a superhero?
I'm not sure I'm, uh-
-qualified? Screw that. We just
hired a guy who shoots arrows.
You want his spot?
Kirk doesn't say anything.
TITLE CARD: PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2
INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN
POV of a B&W SECURITY CAMERA, just like the movie. NICK FURY
walks in, SLOW CLAPPING.
Well, well, well. I hear you're a
pretty scary ghost, ghost.
I guess the real question is, are
you ready to be scary... For your
In the background a DOOR OPENS by itself.
Fury fires his gun repeatedly at the door.
TITLE CARD: TOY STORY 3
INT. TOY CHEST
We're inside the chest as it closes, obscuring a LITTLE
GIRL'S ROOM. We hear FOOTSTEPS.
Sh! She's coming! / Everybody be
quiet! / Calm down!
The chest OPENS, revealing NICK FURY'S FACE.
That's right. Nick Fury broke into
this little girl's room.
Hey guess what? You're toys that
move when kids aren't watching.
That's freaky. I like freaky.
Way freakier than some ghost that
opens door. Ghost, you're out.
Toys, you're in.
TITLE CARD: BABIES: A DOCUMENTARY
EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH
An ADORABLE AFRICAN TODDLER sits and plays in the dirt. NICK
FURY'S boots come into frame. A BEAT. Nick Fury PICKS UP THE
TODDLER and runs away.
TITLE CARD: THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE
EDWARD CULLEN stands, SPARKLING in the SUN, with BELLA.
There's a RUSTLING in the woods. JACOB emerges.
SLOW CLAPPING. Nick Fury approaches.
Well, well- You know what? No. No.
Avengers don't need no sparkly
vampires. Wolf boy, you're in. Just
find a damn shirt.
Jacob pumps his fist.
Hell, pale girl, you can come too.
The three walk off.
INT. AVENGERS HEADQUARTERS
HEROIC MUSIC. The AVENGERS - THOR, IRON MAN, BRUCE BANNER,
CAPTAIN AMERICA, HAWKEYE - stand in a HERO SHOT.
The music stops. PULL OUT TO REVEAL: The other characters
from the sketch stand awkwardly next to the heroes.
REVERSE: Nick and a SHIELD AGENT in a suit review the group.
Yeah, there are WAY too many people
on this team.
I USED TO BE A WHITE GUY!
SMASH CUT TO: AVENGERS TITLE CARD over HEROIC MUSIC.