The mummy has his own place off campus.
By Ben Joseph
YOU, late teens, stand outside your house.
STOCK IMAGE: A pleasant, liberal arts campus.
Here's the college you're going to.
TITLE CARD: THE SIX MONSTERS YOU'LL HAVE FOR ROOMMATES
And here are the six monsters
you'll have for roommates.
Well, not literal monsters, but...
Ah, you'll see.
TITLE CARD: THE ROBOT
INT. FRESHMAN DORM
You enter the room. The ROBOT - tall, neat, crisp - shakes
your hand with precise, mechanical movements.
He's a perfect model of efficiency.
Reliable and friendly, it's like he
was built to be the perfect
You're struggling with a box. The robot, already carrying
one, easily takes it off your hands.
Unfortunately, he doesn't really
understand your, er, more human
A SOCK falls off a pile of laundry you're carrying.
"ROBOT" POV: We zoom in on the SOCK. GRAPHICS label it
UNACCEPTABLE! UNACCEPTABLE! Robot leans over, picks it up,
and hands it to you. He's smiling, but twitching slightly.
His programming is rigid and well
defined. Violate it at your own
Robot, shouting angrily, holds up some dirty dishes. You
throw up your hands, not sure how to respond.
Watch. His head will explode any
Robot PUNCHES A HOLE IN THE DRYWALL. Your face drops.
(quick, a little scared)
OK, so that wasn't his head.
TITLE CARD: THE GHOST
INT. FRESHMAN DORM
You enter, carrying your things.
Half the room is already furnished. It's spooky and quiet.
There's no firm evidence this
Does he spend time at home? With
his girlfriend? Or is he dead? If
so, don't you get a free pass this
semester or something?
A NEW DAY. You pass the kitchen to get your coat. On your
way back, FOOD AND DISHES are suddenly strewn about. Freaky.
You wish he'd stop doing that.
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. A door SLAMS CLOSE. You JUMP, sacred.
You think he might be trying to
communicate with you.
On the fridge, in MAGNET LETTERS, you see the word "NEED."
You scratch your head. What's that mean?
But you'll never know for sure.
You sit on the toilet, still confused. In SCARY FLASHBACK,
you see it said "NEED TP." Yep, there's NO TOILET PAPER.
TITLE: THE VAMPIRE
INT. DARK ROOM
NIGHT. A pale, Edward Cullen-type, the VAMPIRE, sprays on
too much body spray. Inhaling some, you cough violently.
Looking like an ad for hair gel
doesn't automatically make him a
monster. But you've noticed things.
He stays up all night. Can't stand
THE NEXT MORNING. You open the blinds. Vampire, in bed and
clearly hungover, recoils violently as the light hits him.
And brings home a different victim
NIGHT. Vampire rolls in his bed with a GOTH GIRL. As you
look over, annoyed, Vampire glares back. Are those fangs?!
You're not saying he sucks their
blood for sustenance, but you've
never seen him eat anything.
Eating a slice of pizza, you offer him a GREASY BAG.
You put on a CROSS NECKLACE in the mirror. Behind you,
Vampire walks out his latest "victim."
He must have supernatural powers.
Otherwise, how the F*CK IS HE
GETTING LAID MORE THAN YOU!?
TITLE CARD: THE ALIEN
INT. DORM ROOM
You sit on a bed across from THE ALIEN. He's dressed
strangely and smiling too much.
Sorry, and you're from?
(NOISE SOUNDING LIKE "BLURGISTAN")
Wherever he's from, he has a poor
judge of social norms.
You're on the toilet reading a comic when Alien enters and
begins to brush his teeth. You scramble to cover yourself.
NIGHT. You walk past Alien who, in a SWIM CAP, LEATHER VEST,
and 3D GLASSES, watches TV while playing with GOO. He LAUGHS
UPROARIOUSLY. REVERSE: He's watching STATIC.
And... This thing.
You look at something on the floor. It's halfway between a
sex toy and a gun from Men In Black.
If it's a bong you want to hide it.
If it's a dildo you don't want to
touch it. If it's neither, you-
Cut back from the object to you staring at it. Alien is
suddenly standing behind you, also looking at the object.
Alien, also surprised, makes a WEIRD PANIC NOISE.
OUTSIDE, you animatedly tell you friends about the alien.
Like any story about aliens, your
friends will never believe you.
Your friends, dismissive, walk off.
Guys! I swear!
(beat, to O.S.)
I also think he sleeps naked!
TITLE CARD: THE ZOMBIE
INT. SMALL DORM ROOM
You enter, carrying your things. The room is a mess. You
react like you just smelled wet garbage.
The first thing you notice is the
It looks like something died in
So, heh, what died in here?
REVEAL: Your roommate looks vaguely dead. He doesn't flinch
He doesn't seem to notice it. Or
The next day. You wait at the door. The zombie enters.
Hey, my parents are coming over, so
I was hoping we could clean-
The zombie just trudges past.
He just shambles around, leaving
little pieces of himself wherever
The zombie enters, dropping his backpack, hat, coat, etc.
all over the place.
(not really interested)
How was your day?
The zombie MOANS.
And, not to force the metaphor
here, but he does seem to want your
NIGHT. The zombie tries to pick up papers on your desk.
Dude! Write your own Chem lab.
You have to get your own place.
TITLE CARD: NO MORE MONSTERS
INT. SPACIOUS, AIRY ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT
You survey a NICE STUDIO APARTMENT.
Finally, that holy treasure: A
single. A bachelor pad! Nay, a
bachelor kingdom, all to yourself!
You collapse on the bed and close your eyes, content. From
the same OVERHEAD SHOT, we flip through some SCENARIOS:
Maybe you'll have three way. Or a
FOUR way! Or just stay in bed all
day and eat cake and hot wings-
CREAK. Your eyes pop open. It's now NIGHT.
What was that?
Ah, probably nothing. Just a-
BURGLAR. DEMON. FREDDY KRUEGER.
CTHULU. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.
SMASH CUT: You're ON TOP OF THE KITCHEN COUNTER, IN BOXERS,
holding a FLASHLIGHT and BASEBALL BAT.
Maybe you'll give the Vampire a