The Six Monsters You'll Have As Roommates

By

Ben Joseph

          YOU, late teens, stand outside your house.

                              NARRATOR
                    Here's you.

          STOCK IMAGE: A pleasant, liberal arts campus.

                              NARRATOR
                    Here's the college you're going to.

          TITLE CARD: THE SIX MONSTERS YOU'LL HAVE FOR ROOMMATES

                              NARRATOR
                    And here are the six monsters
                    you'll have for roommates.
                         (beat)
                    Well, not literal monsters, but...
                    Ah, you'll see.

          TITLE CARD: THE ROBOT

          INT. FRESHMAN DORM

          You enter the room. The ROBOT - tall, neat, crisp - shakes
          your hand with precise, mechanical movements.

                              NARRATOR
                    He's a perfect model of efficiency.
                    Reliable and friendly, it's like he
                    was built to be the perfect
                    roommate.

          You're struggling with a box. The robot, already carrying
          one, easily takes it off your hands.

                              NARRATOR
                    Unfortunately, he doesn't really
                    understand your, er, more human
                    imperfections.

          A SOCK falls off a pile of laundry you're carrying.

          "ROBOT" POV: We zoom in on the SOCK. GRAPHICS label it
          UNACCEPTABLE! UNACCEPTABLE! Robot leans over, picks it up,
          and hands it to you. He's smiling, but twitching slightly.

                              NARRATOR
                    His programming is rigid and well
                    defined. Violate it at your own
                    risk.

          Robot, shouting angrily, holds up some dirty dishes. You
          throw up your hands, not sure how to respond.

                              NARRATOR
                    Watch. His head will explode any
                    second now.

          Robot PUNCHES A HOLE IN THE DRYWALL. Your face drops.

                              NARRATOR
                         (quick, a little scared)
                    OK, so that wasn't his head.

          TITLE CARD: THE GHOST

          INT. FRESHMAN DORM

          You enter, carrying your things.

                              YOU
                    Hello...?

          Half the room is already furnished. It's spooky and quiet.

                              NARRATOR
                    There's no firm evidence this
                    roommate exists.

                              YOU
                    Hello?

                              NARRATOR
                    Does he spend time at home? With
                    his girlfriend? Or is he dead? If
                    so, don't you get a free pass this
                    semester or something?

          A NEW DAY. You pass the kitchen to get your coat. On your
          way back, FOOD AND DISHES are suddenly strewn about. Freaky.

                              NARRATOR
                    You wish he'd stop doing that.

          MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. A door SLAMS CLOSE. You JUMP, sacred.

                              NARRATOR
                    You think he might be trying to
                    communicate with you.

          On the fridge, in MAGNET LETTERS, you see the word "NEED."
          You scratch your head. What's that mean?

                              NARRATOR
                    But you'll never know for sure.

          You sit on the toilet, still confused. In SCARY FLASHBACK,
          you see it said "NEED TP." Yep, there's NO TOILET PAPER.

                              YOU
                         (casual)
                    Oh. Shit.

          TITLE: THE VAMPIRE

          INT. DARK ROOM

          NIGHT. A pale, Edward Cullen-type, the VAMPIRE, sprays on
          too much body spray. Inhaling some, you cough violently.

                              NARRATOR
                    Looking like an ad for hair gel
                    doesn't automatically make him a
                    monster. But you've noticed things.
                         (beat)
                    He stays up all night. Can't stand
                    the sunlight.

          THE NEXT MORNING. You open the blinds. Vampire, in bed and
          clearly hungover, recoils violently as the light hits him.

                              NARRATOR
                    And brings home a different victim
                    every night.

          NIGHT. Vampire rolls in his bed with a GOTH GIRL. As you
          look over, annoyed, Vampire glares back. Are those fangs?!

                              NARRATOR
                    You're not saying he sucks their
                    blood for sustenance, but you've
                    never seen him eat anything.

          Eating a slice of pizza, you offer him a GREASY BAG.

                              YOU
                    Garlic knot?

                              VAMPIRE
                         (bitchy)
                    Seriously?

          You put on a CROSS NECKLACE in the mirror. Behind you,
          Vampire walks out his latest "victim."

                              NARRATOR
                    He must have supernatural powers.
                    Otherwise, how the F*CK IS HE
                    GETTING LAID MORE THAN YOU!?

          TITLE CARD: THE ALIEN

          INT. DORM ROOM

          You sit on a bed across from THE ALIEN. He's dressed
          strangely and smiling too much.

                              YOU
                    Sorry, and you're from?

                              ALIEN
                    (NOISE SOUNDING LIKE "BLURGISTAN")

                              YOU
                    Huh.

                              NARRATOR
                    Wherever he's from, he has a poor
                    judge of social norms.

          You're on the toilet reading a comic when Alien enters and
          begins to brush his teeth. You scramble to cover yourself.

                              NARRATOR
                    Strange habits.

          NIGHT. You walk past Alien who, in a SWIM CAP, LEATHER VEST,
          and 3D GLASSES, watches TV while playing with GOO. He LAUGHS
          UPROARIOUSLY. REVERSE: He's watching STATIC.

                              NARRATOR
                    And... This thing.

          You look at something on the floor. It's halfway between a
          sex toy and a gun from Men In Black.

                              NARRATOR
                    If it's a bong you want to hide it.
                    If it's a dildo you don't want to
                    touch it. If it's neither, you-

          Cut back from the object to you staring at it. Alien is
          suddenly standing behind you, also looking at the object.

                              YOU
                    AH!

          Alien, also surprised, makes a WEIRD PANIC NOISE.

          OUTSIDE, you animatedly tell you friends about the alien.

                              NARRATOR
                    Like any story about aliens, your
                    friends will never believe you.

          Your friends, dismissive, walk off.

                              YOU
                    Guys! I swear!
                         (beat, to O.S.)
                    I also think he sleeps naked!

          TITLE CARD: THE ZOMBIE

          INT. SMALL DORM ROOM

          You enter, carrying your things. The room is a mess. You
          react like you just smelled wet garbage.

                              NARRATOR
                    The first thing you notice is the
                    smell.
                         (beat)
                    It looks like something died in
                    here.

                              YOU
                         (to O.S.)
                    So, heh, what died in here?

          REVEAL: Your roommate looks vaguely dead. He doesn't flinch

                              YOU
                    Ah.

                              NARRATOR
                    He doesn't seem to notice it. Or
                    anything, really.

          The next day. You wait at the door. The zombie enters.

                              YOU
                    Hey, my parents are coming over, so
                    I was hoping we could clean-

          The zombie just trudges past.

                              NARRATOR
                    He just shambles around, leaving
                    little pieces of himself wherever
                    he goes.

          The zombie enters, dropping his backpack, hat, coat, etc.
          all over the place.

                              YOU
                         (not really interested)
                    How was your day?

          The zombie MOANS.

                              YOU
                    Uh huh.

                              NARRATOR
                    And, not to force the metaphor
                    here, but he does seem to want your
                    brains.

          NIGHT. The zombie tries to pick up papers on your desk.

                              YOU
                    Dude! Write your own Chem lab.

                              NARRATOR
                    You have to get your own place.

          TITLE CARD: NO MORE MONSTERS

          INT. SPACIOUS, AIRY ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT

          You survey a NICE STUDIO APARTMENT.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Finally, that holy treasure: A
                    single. A bachelor pad! Nay, a
                    bachelor kingdom, all to yourself!

          You collapse on the bed and close your eyes, content. From
          the same OVERHEAD SHOT, we flip through some SCENARIOS:

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Maybe you'll have three way. Or a
                    FOUR way! Or just stay in bed all
                    day and eat cake and hot wings-

          CREAK. Your eyes pop open. It's now NIGHT.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    What was that?
                         (you relax)
                    Ah, probably nothing. Just a-
                         (anotther CREAK)
                    BURGLAR. DEMON. FREDDY KRUEGER.
                    CTHULU. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.

          SMASH CUT: You're ON TOP OF THE KITCHEN COUNTER, IN BOXERS,
          holding a FLASHLIGHT and BASEBALL BAT.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Maybe you'll give the Vampire a
                    call.

          END.