From CH Staff on
The mummy has his own place off campus.
By Ben Joseph
YOU, late teens, stand outside your house. NARRATOR Here's you. STOCK IMAGE: A pleasant, liberal arts campus. NARRATOR Here's the college you're going to. TITLE CARD: THE SIX MONSTERS YOU'LL HAVE FOR ROOMMATES NARRATOR And here are the six monsters you'll have for roommates. (beat) Well, not literal monsters, but... Ah, you'll see. TITLE CARD: THE ROBOT INT. FRESHMAN DORM You enter the room. The ROBOT - tall, neat, crisp - shakes your hand with precise, mechanical movements. NARRATOR He's a perfect model of efficiency. Reliable and friendly, it's like he was built to be the perfect roommate. You're struggling with a box. The robot, already carrying one, easily takes it off your hands. NARRATOR Unfortunately, he doesn't really understand your, er, more human imperfections. A SOCK falls off a pile of laundry you're carrying. "ROBOT" POV: We zoom in on the SOCK. GRAPHICS label it UNACCEPTABLE! UNACCEPTABLE! Robot leans over, picks it up, and hands it to you. He's smiling, but twitching slightly. NARRATOR His programming is rigid and well defined. Violate it at your own risk. Robot, shouting angrily, holds up some dirty dishes. You throw up your hands, not sure how to respond. NARRATOR Watch. His head will explode any second now. Robot PUNCHES A HOLE IN THE DRYWALL. Your face drops. NARRATOR (quick, a little scared) OK, so that wasn't his head. TITLE CARD: THE GHOST INT. FRESHMAN DORM You enter, carrying your things. YOU Hello...? Half the room is already furnished. It's spooky and quiet. NARRATOR There's no firm evidence this roommate exists. YOU Hello? NARRATOR Does he spend time at home? With his girlfriend? Or is he dead? If so, don't you get a free pass this semester or something? A NEW DAY. You pass the kitchen to get your coat. On your way back, FOOD AND DISHES are suddenly strewn about. Freaky. NARRATOR You wish he'd stop doing that. MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. A door SLAMS CLOSE. You JUMP, sacred. NARRATOR You think he might be trying to communicate with you. On the fridge, in MAGNET LETTERS, you see the word "NEED." You scratch your head. What's that mean? NARRATOR But you'll never know for sure. You sit on the toilet, still confused. In SCARY FLASHBACK, you see it said "NEED TP." Yep, there's NO TOILET PAPER. YOU (casual) Oh. Shit. TITLE: THE VAMPIRE INT. DARK ROOM NIGHT. A pale, Edward Cullen-type, the VAMPIRE, sprays on too much body spray. Inhaling some, you cough violently. NARRATOR Looking like an ad for hair gel doesn't automatically make him a monster. But you've noticed things. (beat) He stays up all night. Can't stand the sunlight. THE NEXT MORNING. You open the blinds. Vampire, in bed and clearly hungover, recoils violently as the light hits him. NARRATOR And brings home a different victim every night. NIGHT. Vampire rolls in his bed with a GOTH GIRL. As you look over, annoyed, Vampire glares back. Are those fangs?! NARRATOR You're not saying he sucks their blood for sustenance, but you've never seen him eat anything. Eating a slice of pizza, you offer him a GREASY BAG. YOU Garlic knot? VAMPIRE (bitchy) Seriously? You put on a CROSS NECKLACE in the mirror. Behind you, Vampire walks out his latest "victim." NARRATOR He must have supernatural powers. Otherwise, how the F*CK IS HE GETTING LAID MORE THAN YOU!? TITLE CARD: THE ALIEN INT. DORM ROOM You sit on a bed across from THE ALIEN. He's dressed strangely and smiling too much. YOU Sorry, and you're from? ALIEN (NOISE SOUNDING LIKE "BLURGISTAN") YOU Huh. NARRATOR Wherever he's from, he has a poor judge of social norms. You're on the toilet reading a comic when Alien enters and begins to brush his teeth. You scramble to cover yourself. NARRATOR Strange habits. NIGHT. You walk past Alien who, in a SWIM CAP, LEATHER VEST, and 3D GLASSES, watches TV while playing with GOO. He LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY. REVERSE: He's watching STATIC. NARRATOR And... This thing. You look at something on the floor. It's halfway between a sex toy and a gun from Men In Black. NARRATOR If it's a bong you want to hide it. If it's a dildo you don't want to touch it. If it's neither, you- Cut back from the object to you staring at it. Alien is suddenly standing behind you, also looking at the object. YOU AH! Alien, also surprised, makes a WEIRD PANIC NOISE. OUTSIDE, you animatedly tell you friends about the alien. NARRATOR Like any story about aliens, your friends will never believe you. Your friends, dismissive, walk off. YOU Guys! I swear! (beat, to O.S.) I also think he sleeps naked! TITLE CARD: THE ZOMBIE INT. SMALL DORM ROOM You enter, carrying your things. The room is a mess. You react like you just smelled wet garbage. NARRATOR The first thing you notice is the smell. (beat) It looks like something died in here. YOU (to O.S.) So, heh, what died in here? REVEAL: Your roommate looks vaguely dead. He doesn't flinch YOU Ah. NARRATOR He doesn't seem to notice it. Or anything, really. The next day. You wait at the door. The zombie enters. YOU Hey, my parents are coming over, so I was hoping we could clean- The zombie just trudges past. NARRATOR He just shambles around, leaving little pieces of himself wherever he goes. The zombie enters, dropping his backpack, hat, coat, etc. all over the place. YOU (not really interested) How was your day? The zombie MOANS. YOU Uh huh. NARRATOR And, not to force the metaphor here, but he does seem to want your brains. NIGHT. The zombie tries to pick up papers on your desk. YOU Dude! Write your own Chem lab. NARRATOR You have to get your own place. TITLE CARD: NO MORE MONSTERS INT. SPACIOUS, AIRY ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT You survey a NICE STUDIO APARTMENT. NARRATOR (V.O.) Finally, that holy treasure: A single. A bachelor pad! Nay, a bachelor kingdom, all to yourself! You collapse on the bed and close your eyes, content. From the same OVERHEAD SHOT, we flip through some SCENARIOS: NARRATOR (V.O.) Maybe you'll have three way. Or a FOUR way! Or just stay in bed all day and eat cake and hot wings- CREAK. Your eyes pop open. It's now NIGHT. NARRATOR (V.O.) What was that? (you relax) Ah, probably nothing. Just a- (anotther CREAK) BURGLAR. DEMON. FREDDY KRUEGER. CTHULU. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SMASH CUT: You're ON TOP OF THE KITCHEN COUNTER, IN BOXERS, holding a FLASHLIGHT and BASEBALL BAT. NARRATOR (V.O.) Maybe you'll give the Vampire a call. END.