From CH Staff on
An age-old rivalry finally gets settled. Watch it in 3D on the Nintendo 3DS!
TITLE SEQUENCE: A WOODEN BACKGROUND. A BRANDING IRON burns the WORD DUEL into it. NARRATOR (V.O.) DUEL! The background falls forward, revealing an OLD-STYLE SLOT MACHINE with two SPINNING ROWS. They come to stop, landing on two icons: A LAWYER and a MINOTAUR. NARRATOR (V.O.) LAWYER vs. MINOTAUR! CUT TO: EXT. OLD WEST TOWN A LAWYER and MINOTAUR stand opposite each other in a dusty street. A few PERIOD-APPROPRIATE ONLOOKERS stand by. DYNAMIC CLOSE-UPS, spaghetti-Western style, of the duelists. LAWYER This town ain't big enough for the two of us. (holds up some contracts) I rezoned it! The Minotaur ROARS furiously. QUICK FREEZE FRAME. LOWER THIRD: Minotaurs HATE bureaucracy. MINOTAUR Minotaur crush man in cheap suit! LAWYER This suit cost $3,000! QUICK FREEZE FRAME. LOWER THIRD: It didn't. The CLOCK in the middle of town strikes NOON. As if drawing his gun, Lawyer POPS OPEN HIS CASE. LAWYER (casual) And that starts my billable hours. My rate is 200 a- Lawyer looks up. LAWYER'S POV: Minotaur is CHARGING HIM. LAWYER Oh my. BAM. Minotaur HEADBUTTS Lawyer, knocking him into some barrels. Minotaur stands over the downed lawyer. A HAND POPS UP INTO FRAME and grabs Minotaur's nose ring. LAWYER Do you have ANY idea how liable you are in this situation? Lawyer DECKS Minotaur, knocking him to the side. Minotaur pulls out a BATTLE AXE and takes a few swings at Lawyer. Finally, Minotaur THROWS the axe at Lawyer. He dodges it. LAWYER Ha! No more weapons! CRASH ZOOM: Minotaur's horns. DING. LAWYER Ah. Right. Minotaur CHARGES. Lawyer takes a power stance and BLOCKS with his briefcase. The horns poke all the way through. CU: Absorbing momentum, Lawyer's feet push back in the dirt. LAWYER I rest my CASE! Lawyer pulls his briefcase off Minotaur's horns and, on "CASE", SMACKS HIM ACROSS THE FACE. Minotaur and briefcase go flying in a HAIL OF PAPERS. The Minotaur, recovering, HOLDS UP A BLACKBERRY. Lawyer GASPS. Minotaur CRUSHES THE BLACKBERRY and LAUGHS. LAWYER That was yours. Idiot. CRASH-ZOOM: An EMPTY PHONE CLIP on the Minotaur's belt. Minotaur ROARS WITH RAGE and charges Lawyer. They trade martial arts-style punches and kicks. MINOTAUR Where did you learn to fight? LAWYER Not important. SMASH CUT TO: A WORKOUT CLASS. Lawyer, in an UGLY TRACK SUIT, does TAE BO with a bunch of old ladies. CHEESY INSTRUCTOR And one and two and twirl- BACK TO THE FIGHT. After a few more blows, the MINOTAUR picks up the LAWYER and PILE DRIVES HIM. LAWYER You've been trained well. SMASH CUT TO: The SAME WORKOUT CLASS. Minotaur, in a HEADBAND and SHORTS, does a SIMILAR WORKOUT. CHEESY INSTRUCTOR And step. And step. Five more, ladies! Minotaur SIPS from a water bottle. He's feeling the burn. BACK TO THE FIGHT. Some more MISCELLANEOUS FIGHTING. Lawyer MOUNTS Minotaur for a second, riding him like a bull. Minotaur SNORTS and bucks Lawyer, throwing him to the ground. Lawyer stands into frame, suddenly wearing a NECK BRACE. LAWYER Ah. Ow. Geeze, I don't want to say whiplash, but- Minotaur GORES Lawyer with his horn. It's a fatal wound. Lawyer stumbles back and falls, dying. NARRATOR (V.O.) MINOTAUR WINS! Minotaur LAUGHS triumphantly. LAWYER (with his last breath) Avenge me... Paralegals. Three SEXY VIXEN PARALEGALS enter with an acrobatic flourish. Minotaur assumes a DEFENSIVE STANCE. One Paralegal calmly holds up a DOCUMENT. Minotaur's confused. PARALEGAL 1 This a subpoena. You've been served. PARALEGAL 2 See you next Wednesday. 7 AM. Minotaur GROANS. END CARD: DUEL!