Pizza Quest!

By

CollegeHumor

          INT. SCOTT'S DAD'S PIZZA - LIVE ACTION

          Establishing shot of boring suburban Pizza shop - sign reads
          "Scott's Dad's Pizzeria." "Dad's" is crossed out.

          Inside, SCOTT, 20s, stands across the counter from CUSTOMER.

                              CUSTOMER
                    Uh, I'll have a large pepperoni.

                              SCOTT
                    An ultimate pepperoni?

                              CUSTOMER
                         (indifferently)
                    Y'okay.

                              SCOTT
                    Got it. One ultimate pepperoni pie!

          Guitar solo plays as Scott grabs his paddle & throws open
          the oven doors. Rainbows burst out of the oven, and Scott
          dives in. Customer looks confused.

          EXT. PIZZA DIMENSION - PEPPERONI PLATEAU - ANIMATED

          In Pizza Dimension, all the land is pizza-themed. A robot,
          NATHAN, sits on a rock, knitting a scarf. A portal opens
          next to him.

                              SCOTT (O.S.)
                    NATHANNNNNNNN!

          Scott, now ANIMATED, bursts through, crashing into Nathan.
          Nathan's scarf goes flying and lands in a sauce puddle.

                              NATHAN
                    Hello, Scott. Welcome back to Pizza
                    Dimension. It's nice to see you.

                              SCOTT
                    Nathan, shut up for a second! We
                    need an ultimate pepperoni pie now!

          On "now," zoom on Scott: his pupils are burning pepperonis.

                              NATHAN
                    Oh good, we can pick pepperoni
                    flowers together.

          He gestures down to little pepperoni flowers blooming around
          them. Soft dainty music plays. Scott picks one and eats it.

                              SCOTT
                    Mmm. These would be great... if I
                    was making a pizza for BABIES!

                              NATHAN
                    Oh. Well I guess we could try
                    Pepperoni Cave. But that's guarded
                    by Anchovy knights.

          ANCHOVY KNIGHTS stand in front of the cave thirty feet away.
          Deep, ominous guitar riff plays.

                              ANCHOVY KNIGHT
                    Don't come in here! We'll get in
                    trouble!

          Nathan walks up to the lead anchovy knight.

                              NATHAN
                    Can we please go in the cave?

                              ANCHOVY KNIGHT
                    No one's ever asked nicely. I guess
                    you-

          Scott leaps into frame and knocks the Anchovy Knight
          senseless with his pizza paddle.

                              SCOTT
                    Let's dough this!

          Sick riffs blast as they battle the clumsy Anchovy Knights.
          Scott beats them with his paddle. Nathan just stands still
          as anchovies strike their weapons against his metal body.

                              NATHAN
                    Have at you.

          Suddenly there's a deep rumbling from within the cave. All
          the anchovies drop their weapons out of fear.

                              ANCHOVY KNIGHT
                    AH! Let's go guard something safer!

          Anchovy knights flee. Scott dusts himself off.

                              SCOTT
                         (to Nathan)
                    Sweet job with that noise, man.

                              NATHAN
                    I concur. Great work, monster.

          Reveal: behind Nathan looms a HUGE BURNT-CRUST GOLEM.

                              SCOTT
                    Sweet Cheesus! It's a crust golem!

          Crust golem roars & smashes the ground. Scott attacks him,
          but his paddle cannot pierce the golem's thick crusty skin.

                              SCOTT
                    His crust is too burnt! Nathan, we
                    gotta activate PIZZA MODE.

                              NATHAN
                    I hate pizza mode.

                              SCOTT
                    Well I hate my dad! PIZZA MODE
                    ACTIVATE!

          Scott unveils a GOLD PIZZA TABLE; crams it into Nat's mouth.

          Cue anime-style robot transformation sequence. Nathan breaks
          apart into armor & merges with Scott to form an ULTIMATE
          WARRIOR. Nathan's face turns into one of the fists.

                              SCOTT / NATHAN
                    This is awesome! / I hate this.

                              SCOTT
                    Time for the ultimate attack! Giga
                    Crustbuster Face Fist Punch Gooo!

          Scott punches the golem repeatedly with Nathan's face.
          Nathan says "ouch" each time. The crumbling golem falls to
          the ground and breaks apart, oozing cheese.

          Pizza Mode deactivates; Scott & Nathan split apart. Nathan
          looks damaged, Scott looks great. Scott reaches in the
          cheesy goo & pulls out a wad of pepperoni.

                              SCOTT
                    Check it, man! His heart was made
                    from pure pepperonium. Just what my
                    pizza needs!

                              NATHAN
                    I don't know where my arm is.

          Scott puts the roni in a ziplock bag. He looks at his watch.

                              SCOTT
                    Ah, breadsticks! I gotta get back
                    to the pizza shop!

          Close on watch: it looks like a pizza & says "Pizza Time"

          Scott pulls out a pizza cutter and carves open a
          portal in space. Glowing rainbow light emits out of it.

                              SCOTT
                    Thanks, Nathan. See you next
                    orderrrrrr!

          He leaps in. The portal seals up after him. Beat.

          

                              NATHAN
                    Okay.

          

          Nathan leans over and picks his sauce-dripping scarf up,
          sits back down & resumes knitting it, in the position we
          first saw him.

          INT. LIVE ACTION - SCOTT'S DAD'S PIZZA

          Scott zaps out of the oven, screaming epically, holding a
          pepperoni pizza triumphantly above his head.

                              SCOTT
                         (dramatically)
                    That will be... $14.95!

                              CUSTOMER
                    Do you take credit cards?

                              SCOTT
                         (still dramatically)
                    Never!

                              CUSTOMER
                    Uhhhh, that's okay. I have cash.

          Smash cut to "PIZZA QUEST" title card. Electric guitars play
          as Pizza Quest theme song plays.

          END.