Hardly Working: Horsey Ride

By

Caldwell Tanner

          INT. OFFICE, 274 DAYS BEFORE THE BLOODRECKONING

          STREETER and PAT are walking past JEFF's desk.

                              STREETER
                    And that's how fudge is made.

                              PAT
                    Ohhh, See I would have never
                    thought about rounding the corner,
                    thanks for the tip!

                              STREETER
                    Hey no probl-WHOA!

          STREETER is shocked as JEFF jumps on him from behind.

                              JEFF
                    Surprise Horsey Ride Goooo!

                              STREETER
                    Jeff cut it out! You know I have
                    chronic sunburned shoulders!

          STREETER begins bucking wildly. JEFF whoops and laughs.

                              STREETER
                    Get off! Pat tell him to stop!

          Cut to PAT, who responds jokingly to STREETER

                              PAT
                    He can't stop now, he's almost got
                    the record! Go Jeff Go!
                    

          Cut to a CROWD of coworkers they begin chanting, PAT eagerly
          joins in.

                              CROWD
                    Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!

          Close on MURPH, who is shouting angrily.

                              MURPH
                    RIDE HIM, JEFF! RIDE HIM LIKE THE
                    BEAUTIFUL STALLION HE IS.

                              STREETER
                         (Still struggling to buck
                         JEFF)
                    Jeff knock it off!! Someone's gonna
                    get hu-Whoa!

          STREETER then trips and falls over, tossing Jeff to the
          side. A crunching sound is heard.The CROWD gasps. JEFF and
          PAT rush over and kneel in front of STREETER.

                              JEFF
                    Oh no! I reckon I went too far!

                              STREETER
                         (Grabbing his leg in pain)
                    OWW! My leg! I think it's broken!

                              PAT
                    Hush up now, boy. The doctor's on
                    his way. Here, have an apple.

          PAT starts shoving an apple into STREETER's face, he spits
          it out and tries to stand up.

                              STREETER
                    I don't need an apple, man, here
                    just help me up! Guys?

                              JEFF
                         (ignoring STREETER)
                    Tell me straight, Pat, will he ever
                    race again?

          PAT removes the cowboy hat he wasn't wearing until just now.

                              PAT
                    T'ain't for me to say, son. S'in
                    God's hands now.

          Cut to STREETER still on the floor with his phone out.

                              STREETER
                    Okay I called the emergency room,
                    can someone help me get a cab or-

                              SARAH
                         (offscreen)
                    Aw Tarnation!

          Cut SARAH who is dressed from head to toe as a FRONTIER
          DOCTOR, complete with black medicine bag, cowboy hat and a
          giant curly mustache.

                              SARAH
                    It's worse than I figgered!

                              JEFF
                    Dr. Schneider! What do you think?
                    Will Ol' Streetey pull though?

                              STREETER
                    Why does Sarah have a mustache?

                              SARAH
                    I'm afraid I'm gonna have to put
                    this stud out of his mis'ry. He's
                    all washed up.

                              JEFF
                    No doc, He's my horse. I figger I
                    ough to do it.

                              SARAH
                    You've become a fine man, yer
                    father'd be right proud.

                              STREETER
                    Is anyone even listening to me
                    anymore?

          SARAH pulls an impossibly long shotgun out of her medicine
          bag and hands it to JEFF, who is now also wearing a cowboy
          hat. Mournful Western music begins playing.

                              JEFF
                    Thanks doc. I reckon he would too.

          JEFF nods at PAT, who removes his hat in reverence. He then
          turns back to STREETER.

                              STREETER
                    Jeff! Hey finally! Can you help me
                    u-OHMYGOD

          STREETER raises his hand, we then cut to JEFF raising the
          gun.

          A loud gunshot is heard. Everyone in the office removes
          their cowboy hats and looks sad. A single tear falls from
          MURPH's eye. The camera then pans out to show that Murph is
          riding Kevin. He sighs loudly.

                              MURPH
                    It's a damn shame, ain't it Kev.

                              KEVIN
                    Yeah.

                              MURPH
                    Let's go home.

          He digs his heels into Kevin's sides and rides off.

          END

          Post-Huh

          JEFF is putting together a collage of Streeter that reads
          "IN MEMORIAM". He realizes he is out of glue, and reaches
          for a giant bottle of paste labeled "STREETER GLUE."