John Stamos' Guide To Cuddling

By

Dan Gurewitch

          INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

          JOHN STAMOS, boxer-clad, lies on his side in bed, propping
          his head up with his hand. He faces camera - which is close
          enough that we can't see anyone/anything in bed with him.

          John speaks directly to camera in a soft, gentle tone.
          During insert shots we hear his dialogue in V.O.

                              JOHN
                    Hi, I'm John Stamos, one of the
                    most handsome men you can think of
                    off the top of your head. Being a noted
                    Lothario, people often ask me for
                    sex advice - but guys, if you truly
                    want to win over a woman, the real
                    key... is the cuddle. So today, I'm
                    here to show the techniques of my
                    patented "Stamos Snugglefest."

          A SMALL PATENTED LOGO appears next to John's head: "Stamos
          Snugglefest (TM)" - with a soft "Ding!," then vanishes.
          (Possible freeze-frame.) NOTE: A similar explanatory
          title/sound occurs each time a new move is introduced, the
          same as the spoken phrase unless otherwise noted.

          CU on JOHN'S FACE as he rolls over onto his back, shifting
          his weight and adjusting as an UNSEEN PARTNER gets cozy.

                              JOHN
                    You and your lady will probably
                    want to start with "The Stamos
                    Soother." She lies next to you, her
                    head resting on your chest.

          WIDE REVEAL: JOHN'S CUDDLE PARTNER IS BOB SAGET, also in
          boxers, his head resting on John's chest. Adorable.

                              JOHN
                    Not only will she feel protected,
                    the "lub dub" of your heart will
                    reassure her that you're still
                    alive. From this position, she can
                    kiss your neck, or caress your epic
                    chest, while you run your fingers
                    through her raven hair.

          INSERTS: Bob gently kisses John's neck; Bob twirls his
          fingers through John's chest hair; John caresses Bob's hair.

                              JOHN
                    Don't be afraid to use your
                    fingernails - a good "Stamos
                    Scalper" will leave her relaxed and
                    tingling.

          CU on Bob's face, PURE PLEASURE, as John's fingers massage
          his scalp. CU on John:

                              JOHN
                    Next, you'll want to move into the
                    "Stamos Spoonful."

          WIDE REVEAL: John spooning Bob.

                              JOHN
                    It's a gentle way to show your lady
                    what she has to look forward to
                    later.

          John gives a slight playful thrust. Bob SMILES.

                              JOHN
                    Traditionally, the man plays the
                    role of Big Spoon. But folks, it's
                    2011, and even the most feminine
                    woman can feel equally at home
                    spooning her man.

          CUT TO: Bob spooning John.

                              JOHN
                    Be careful not to let your arms get
                    trapped beneath your special gal:
                    this is worse than death. Instead,
                    your inside arm can go behind you
                    or above her head-

          JUMP CUTS of John spooning Bob: His inside arm is trapped
          uncomfortably beneath Bob's body; he lies with his inside
          arm splayed out behind him; he lies with his inside arm
          above (rather than under) her head.

                              JOHN
                    -while your outside arm is free to
                    rest on her firm yet tender belly,
                    hold her fragile hand, gently cup
                    her perky breast, or... well, the
                    rest is up to you.

          INSERTS of John's hand resting on Bob's belly, holding Bob's
          hand, gently cupping Bob's pec/nipple, and then SLOWLY
          MAKING ITS WAY LOWER. As it nears Bob's groin, CUT AWAY.

                              JOHN
                    Advanced cuddlers may want to try
                    the "Stamos Swaddler."

          WIDE of John and Bob, lying FACING EACH OTHER, arms wrapped
          around arms, legs wrapped around legs.

                              JOHN
                    Nothing brings you closer to your
                    lady, and if you sleep with your
                    eyes open, the Stamos Way-
                         [title: "Stamos Shark Sleep"]
                    -you get to stare at her face all
                    night. You can also caress her leg
                    with your foot, or allow your toes
                    to intertwine, doing an
                    affectionate little Charleston.

          INSERT CUs of John's foot running up and down Bob's bare
          leg; John and Bob's toes intermingling, caressing and
          wrapping around one another.

                              JOHN
                    Feel free to improvise: you can
                    nuzzle noses, butterfly kiss, blow
                    on or even gently nibble her ear.

          INSERTS: Bob and John nuzzle noses; they blink their
          eyelashes against each other's. John blows against, then
          gently nibbles upon Bob's earlobe.

                              JOHN
                    Perhaps the most important cuddle
                    move is the "Stamos S-Touching Her
                    With Your Fingers," lightly running
                    the tips or backs of your fingers
                    along her tender curves.

          John's fingertips and backs-of-fingernails run slowly across
          Bob's body (within reason, of course), tracing his
          shape, just lightly touching him: along his neck, his back,
          dangerously up his INNER THIGHS; elsewhere as he continues:

                              JOHN
                    You're like a cartographer of the
                    flesh: your exploring fingers are
                    Lewis and that other guy, it's not
                    important, mapping the peaks and
                    valleys of her body's soft terrain,
                    traversing her every womanly
                    crevasse and claiming it for your
                    own.

          John's fingers travel.

          BACK to John, lying alongside Bob:

                              JOHN
                    With the right mix of affection and
                    tenderness, my Snugglefest
                    guarantees that your woman will
                    Stamos Cozy. [pronounced i.e. "stay
                    most cozy."] I guarantee it.

                              BOB
                    That's right.

          John is SUDDENLY STARTLED/HORRIFIED, RECOILING, somehow just
          now noticing who he's been cuddling with:

                              JOHN
                    Bob?! WHAT THE FUCK?!

          ABRUPT CUT TO BLACK. END.