John reunites with Bob Saget for a manly look at tenderness.
By Dan Gurewitch
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT JOHN STAMOS, boxer-clad, lies on his side in bed, propping his head up with his hand. He faces camera - which is close enough that we can't see anyone/anything in bed with him. John speaks directly to camera in a soft, gentle tone. During insert shots we hear his dialogue in V.O. JOHN Hi, I'm John Stamos, one of the most handsome men you can think of off the top of your head. Being a noted Lothario, people often ask me for sex advice - but guys, if you truly want to win over a woman, the real key... is the cuddle. So today, I'm here to show the techniques of my patented "Stamos Snugglefest." A SMALL PATENTED LOGO appears next to John's head: "Stamos Snugglefest (TM)" - with a soft "Ding!," then vanishes. (Possible freeze-frame.) NOTE: A similar explanatory title/sound occurs each time a new move is introduced, the same as the spoken phrase unless otherwise noted. CU on JOHN'S FACE as he rolls over onto his back, shifting his weight and adjusting as an UNSEEN PARTNER gets cozy. JOHN You and your lady will probably want to start with "The Stamos Soother." She lies next to you, her head resting on your chest. WIDE REVEAL: JOHN'S CUDDLE PARTNER IS BOB SAGET, also in boxers, his head resting on John's chest. Adorable. JOHN Not only will she feel protected, the "lub dub" of your heart will reassure her that you're still alive. From this position, she can kiss your neck, or caress your epic chest, while you run your fingers through her raven hair. INSERTS: Bob gently kisses John's neck; Bob twirls his fingers through John's chest hair; John caresses Bob's hair. JOHN Don't be afraid to use your fingernails - a good "Stamos Scalper" will leave her relaxed and tingling. CU on Bob's face, PURE PLEASURE, as John's fingers massage his scalp. CU on John: JOHN Next, you'll want to move into the "Stamos Spoonful." WIDE REVEAL: John spooning Bob. JOHN It's a gentle way to show your lady what she has to look forward to later. John gives a slight playful thrust. Bob SMILES. JOHN Traditionally, the man plays the role of Big Spoon. But folks, it's 2011, and even the most feminine woman can feel equally at home spooning her man. CUT TO: Bob spooning John. JOHN Be careful not to let your arms get trapped beneath your special gal: this is worse than death. Instead, your inside arm can go behind you or above her head- JUMP CUTS of John spooning Bob: His inside arm is trapped uncomfortably beneath Bob's body; he lies with his inside arm splayed out behind him; he lies with his inside arm above (rather than under) her head. JOHN -while your outside arm is free to rest on her firm yet tender belly, hold her fragile hand, gently cup her perky breast, or... well, the rest is up to you. INSERTS of John's hand resting on Bob's belly, holding Bob's hand, gently cupping Bob's pec/nipple, and then SLOWLY MAKING ITS WAY LOWER. As it nears Bob's groin, CUT AWAY. JOHN Advanced cuddlers may want to try the "Stamos Swaddler." WIDE of John and Bob, lying FACING EACH OTHER, arms wrapped around arms, legs wrapped around legs. JOHN Nothing brings you closer to your lady, and if you sleep with your eyes open, the Stamos Way- [title: "Stamos Shark Sleep"] -you get to stare at her face all night. You can also caress her leg with your foot, or allow your toes to intertwine, doing an affectionate little Charleston. INSERT CUs of John's foot running up and down Bob's bare leg; John and Bob's toes intermingling, caressing and wrapping around one another. JOHN Feel free to improvise: you can nuzzle noses, butterfly kiss, blow on or even gently nibble her ear. INSERTS: Bob and John nuzzle noses; they blink their eyelashes against each other's. John blows against, then gently nibbles upon Bob's earlobe. JOHN Perhaps the most important cuddle move is the "Stamos S-Touching Her With Your Fingers," lightly running the tips or backs of your fingers along her tender curves. John's fingertips and backs-of-fingernails run slowly across Bob's body (within reason, of course), tracing his shape, just lightly touching him: along his neck, his back, dangerously up his INNER THIGHS; elsewhere as he continues: JOHN You're like a cartographer of the flesh: your exploring fingers are Lewis and that other guy, it's not important, mapping the peaks and valleys of her body's soft terrain, traversing her every womanly crevasse and claiming it for your own. John's fingers travel. BACK to John, lying alongside Bob: JOHN With the right mix of affection and tenderness, my Snugglefest guarantees that your woman will Stamos Cozy. [pronounced i.e. "stay most cozy."] I guarantee it. BOB That's right. John is SUDDENLY STARTLED/HORRIFIED, RECOILING, somehow just now noticing who he's been cuddling with: JOHN Bob?! WHAT THE FUCK?! ABRUPT CUT TO BLACK. END.