I prefer the Bible's 2nd edition rules.
By Streeter Seidell and Ben Joseph
INT. WHITE VOID
Streeter enters frame.
Quick question: Who are the biggest
nerds in the world?
Jeff LEANS INTO FRAME and waves.
Nope, it's not people like him.
It's religious people. Not this
kind of religious person, mind you.
Streeter opens a DOOR to reveal a FRIENDLY MAN.
I'll come by and watch the game
(closes the door)
I'm talking about this guy.
Streeter opens the door again. It's now an EVANGELIST.
Let me ask you a question: have you
heard the greatest story ever told?
Streeter shuts the door in his face.
A nerd is a person who is
passionately obsessed with
something, like math or science
fiction or a series of books,
right? And who are more into their
books than religious people?
He passes a free-floating WINDOW. The Evangelist pops up.
(pointing to bible)
Repent, young man, for, lo, His
word is gospel!
Streeter pulls down the shade.
NEW SHOT. There's a LARGE PILLAR in the BG.
The details reveal even greater
similarities. For instance, have
you ever listened to religious
A RELIGIOUS MAN and WOMAN, both uptight, enter frame.
Mark 21:12 clearly states that
worldly goods are evil. "And Jesus
threw the moneylenders from the
Bickering over minutiae, quoting
the source material, arguing over
interpretation - sound familiar?
(adjusting his glasses)
Uh, Matthew 22:21: "Render unto
Caesar the things which are
The two pass behind the pillar. When they emerge, they're
-midi-chlorians are clearly what
Obi-Wan meant when he said the
force "binds us" and "penetrates
Oh YEAH RIGHT! Like Obi Wan would
ever be that literal-
He continues as the pair exit frame.
That's just how they interact with
each other. Ever told a nerd you're
not into that thing they're into?
The male nerd re-enters in a Firefly shirt and holding DVDs.
Dude! You watch Firefly yet?
Nah. Not really my thing, so -
Streeter starts backing away to the left. The nerd
aggressively follows, waving the DVDs.
COME ON! It's SO GOOD! It will-
The nerd passes behind the pillar, suddenly becoming a
RELIGIOUS MAN again. His DVDs are now a BIBLE.
-change your life! My Wednesday
night prayer group is just the
thing you need, pal!
Streeter, fleeing him, exits to the right.
NEW SHOT. Streeter enters, pausing between a CHUBBY NERD and
And when both get to arguing, only
one thing can settle it: word from
the creator Himself. Usually a
large white man with a beard.
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. As Streeter gestures to each of them:
(holding a bible)
And God spoke to Moses from within
(holding up a pic of him)
George R. R. Martin just tweeted!
Wights can't be killed by
As Streeter, two CONGREGATIONS - people in medieval costumes
for the nerd, altar boys with candles for the preacher -
simultaneously enter. One of the nerds sets up a GLOWING TV.
The similarities don't end there.
They both enjoy dressing up in
elaborate costumes, have some
interesting thoughts about
dinosaurs, and often gather to
worship in silence.
A COSTUMED NERD turns around and SHUSHES Streeter.
Thrones is on!
Street exits, quietly apologizing, and enters in a NEW SHOT.
Religious people aren't just nerds,
they're the only nerds willing to
kill you over the belief that their
franchise is better than yours.
You've never seen this happen.
Streeter exits past camera. Into the empty white, two
ARMIES, one YELLOW with a KIRK BANNER, the other RED with a
PICARD BANNER, scream and charge each other. They quickly
run out of breath. A few pull out inhalers.
NEW SHOT. Streeter enters.
Religious nerdiness is so extreme
it's actually dangerous. How many
people have died because the Koran
nerds couldn't stand the Torah
nerds, or because the Bible nerds
couldn't stand the Koran nerds?
A CRUSADER enters battling an scimitar-wielding INFIDEL.
ONWARD, TO THE REN FAIRE!
The two exit.
Well, you get the idea.
Street walks past a row of PEOPLE KNEELING.
Now, there's nothing wrong with
faith, or spirituality, or worship.
At the end of the row, there's an ANGRY MAN throwing a fit
and attempting to get everybody else riled up.
But if you're the kind of person
who will obsess over things to the
point where you're willing to kill,
maybe you should choose something a
little less intense than religion.
Like Dr. Who. Or Settlers of
Streeter takes the angry man and walks him to Jeff, now
playing Catan with the Crusader and the Infidel from before.
The angry man hesitantly sits downs and joins them.
Because whether you're a religious
nerd or a normal nerd, the net
result is the same: little to no
I need those sheep, man