Religious People Are Nerds

Religious People Are Nerds

By

Streeter Seidell and Ben Joseph

          INT. WHITE VOID

          Streeter enters frame.

                              STREETER
                    Quick question: Who are the biggest
                    nerds in the world?

          Jeff LEANS INTO FRAME and waves.

                              STREETER
                    Nope, it's not people like him.
                    It's religious people. Not this
                    kind of religious person, mind you.

          Streeter opens a DOOR to reveal a FRIENDLY MAN.

                              FRIENDLY MAN
                    I'll come by and watch the game
                    after church.

                              STREETER
                         (closes the door)
                    I'm talking about this guy.

          Streeter opens the door again. It's now an EVANGELIST.

                              EVANGELIST
                    Let me ask you a question: have you
                    heard the greatest story ever told?

          Streeter shuts the door in his face.

                              STREETER
                    A nerd is a person who is
                    passionately obsessed with
                    something, like math or science
                    fiction or a series of books,
                    right? And who are more into their
                    books than religious people?

          He passes a free-floating WINDOW. The Evangelist pops up.

                              EVANGELIST
                         (pointing to bible)
                    Repent, young man, for, lo, His
                    word is gospel!

          Streeter pulls down the shade.

          NEW SHOT. There's a LARGE PILLAR in the BG.

                              STREETER
                    The details reveal even greater
                    similarities. For instance, have
                    you ever listened to religious
                    people argue?

          A RELIGIOUS MAN and WOMAN, both uptight, enter frame.

                              RELIGIOUS WOMAN
                    Mark 21:12 clearly states that
                    worldly goods are evil. "And Jesus
                    threw the moneylenders from the
                    temple!"

                              STREETER
                    Bickering over minutiae, quoting
                    the source material, arguing over
                    interpretation - sound familiar?

                              RELIGIOUS MAN
                         (adjusting his glasses)
                    Uh, Matthew 22:21: "Render unto
                    Caesar the things which are
                    Caesars!" Because-

          The two pass behind the pillar. When they emerge, they're
          NERDS.

                              MALE NERD
                    -midi-chlorians are clearly what
                    Obi-Wan meant when he said the
                    force "binds us" and "penetrates
                    us."

                              FEMALE NERD
                    Oh YEAH RIGHT! Like Obi Wan would
                    ever be that literal-

          He continues as the pair exit frame.

                              STREETER
                    That's just how they interact with
                    each other. Ever told a nerd you're
                    not into that thing they're into?

          The male nerd re-enters in a Firefly shirt and holding DVDs.

                              MALE NERD
                    Dude! You watch Firefly yet?

                              STREETER
                    Nah. Not really my thing, so -

          Streeter starts backing away to the left. The nerd
          aggressively follows, waving the DVDs.

                              MALE NERD
                    COME ON! It's SO GOOD! It will-

          The nerd passes behind the pillar, suddenly becoming a
          RELIGIOUS MAN again. His DVDs are now a BIBLE.

                              RELIGIOUS NERD
                    -change your life! My Wednesday
                    night prayer group is just the
                    thing you need, pal!

          Streeter, fleeing him, exits to the right.

          NEW SHOT. Streeter enters, pausing between a CHUBBY NERD and
          a PREACHER.

                              STREETER
                    And when both get to arguing, only
                    one thing can settle it: word from
                    the creator Himself. Usually a
                    large white man with a beard.

          THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. As Streeter gestures to each of them:

                              PREACHER
                         (holding a bible)
                    And God spoke to Moses from within
                    the bush!

                              CHUBBY NERD
                         (holding up a pic of him)
                    George R. R. Martin just tweeted!
                    Wights can't be killed by
                    decapitation!

          As Streeter, two CONGREGATIONS - people in medieval costumes
          for the nerd, altar boys with candles for the preacher -
          simultaneously enter. One of the nerds sets up a GLOWING TV.

                              STREETER
                    The similarities don't end there.
                    They both enjoy dressing up in
                    elaborate costumes, have some
                    interesting thoughts about
                    dinosaurs, and often gather to
                    worship in silence.

          A COSTUMED NERD turns around and SHUSHES Streeter.

                              COSTUMED NERD
                    Thrones is on!

          Street exits, quietly apologizing, and enters in a NEW SHOT.

                              STREETER
                    Religious people aren't just nerds,
                    they're the only nerds willing to
                    kill you over the belief that their
                    franchise is better than yours.
                    You've never seen this happen.

          Streeter exits past camera. Into the empty white, two
          ARMIES, one YELLOW with a KIRK BANNER, the other RED with a
          PICARD BANNER, scream and charge each other. They quickly
          run out of breath. A few pull out inhalers.

          NEW SHOT. Streeter enters.

                              STREETER
                    Religious nerdiness is so extreme
                    it's actually dangerous. How many
                    people have died because the Koran
                    nerds couldn't stand the Torah
                    nerds, or because the Bible nerds
                    couldn't stand the Koran nerds?
                         

          A CRUSADER enters battling an scimitar-wielding INFIDEL.

                              STREETER
                    See?

                              CRUSADER
                         (pointing)
                    ONWARD, TO THE REN FAIRE!

          The two exit.

                              STREETER
                    Well, you get the idea.

          Street walks past a row of PEOPLE KNEELING.

                              STREETER
                    Now, there's nothing wrong with
                    faith, or spirituality, or worship.

          At the end of the row, there's an ANGRY MAN throwing a fit
          and attempting to get everybody else riled up.

                              STREETER
                    But if you're the kind of person
                    who will obsess over things to the
                    point where you're willing to kill,
                    maybe you should choose something a
                    little less intense than religion.
                    Like Dr. Who. Or Settlers of
                    Catan.

          Streeter takes the angry man and walks him to Jeff, now
          playing Catan with the Crusader and the Infidel from before.
          The angry man hesitantly sits downs and joins them.

                              STREETER
                    Because whether you're a religious
                    nerd or a normal nerd, the net
                    result is the same: little to no
                    pre-marital sex.

                              JEFF
                    I need those sheep, man

          END.