By Streeter Seidell and Ben Joseph
INT. WHITE VOID Streeter enters frame. STREETER Quick question: Who are the biggest nerds in the world? Jeff LEANS INTO FRAME and waves. STREETER Nope, it's not people like him. It's religious people. Not this kind of religious person, mind you. Streeter opens a DOOR to reveal a FRIENDLY MAN. FRIENDLY MAN I'll come by and watch the game after church. STREETER (closes the door) I'm talking about this guy. Streeter opens the door again. It's now an EVANGELIST. EVANGELIST Let me ask you a question: have you heard the greatest story ever told? Streeter shuts the door in his face. STREETER A nerd is a person who is passionately obsessed with something, like math or science fiction or a series of books, right? And who are more into their books than religious people? He passes a free-floating WINDOW. The Evangelist pops up. EVANGELIST (pointing to bible) Repent, young man, for, lo, His word is gospel! Streeter pulls down the shade. NEW SHOT. There's a LARGE PILLAR in the BG. STREETER The details reveal even greater similarities. For instance, have you ever listened to religious people argue? A RELIGIOUS MAN and WOMAN, both uptight, enter frame. RELIGIOUS WOMAN Mark 21:12 clearly states that worldly goods are evil. "And Jesus threw the moneylenders from the temple!" STREETER Bickering over minutiae, quoting the source material, arguing over interpretation - sound familiar? RELIGIOUS MAN (adjusting his glasses) Uh, Matthew 22:21: "Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesars!" Because- The two pass behind the pillar. When they emerge, they're NERDS. MALE NERD -midi-chlorians are clearly what Obi-Wan meant when he said the force "binds us" and "penetrates us." FEMALE NERD Oh YEAH RIGHT! Like Obi Wan would ever be that literal- He continues as the pair exit frame. STREETER That's just how they interact with each other. Ever told a nerd you're not into that thing they're into? The male nerd re-enters in a Firefly shirt and holding DVDs. MALE NERD Dude! You watch Firefly yet? STREETER Nah. Not really my thing, so - Streeter starts backing away to the left. The nerd aggressively follows, waving the DVDs. MALE NERD COME ON! It's SO GOOD! It will- The nerd passes behind the pillar, suddenly becoming a RELIGIOUS MAN again. His DVDs are now a BIBLE. RELIGIOUS NERD -change your life! My Wednesday night prayer group is just the thing you need, pal! Streeter, fleeing him, exits to the right. NEW SHOT. Streeter enters, pausing between a CHUBBY NERD and a PREACHER. STREETER And when both get to arguing, only one thing can settle it: word from the creator Himself. Usually a large white man with a beard. THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. As Streeter gestures to each of them: PREACHER (holding a bible) And God spoke to Moses from within the bush! CHUBBY NERD (holding up a pic of him) George R. R. Martin just tweeted! Wights can't be killed by decapitation! As Streeter, two CONGREGATIONS - people in medieval costumes for the nerd, altar boys with candles for the preacher - simultaneously enter. One of the nerds sets up a GLOWING TV. STREETER The similarities don't end there. They both enjoy dressing up in elaborate costumes, have some interesting thoughts about dinosaurs, and often gather to worship in silence. A COSTUMED NERD turns around and SHUSHES Streeter. COSTUMED NERD Thrones is on! Street exits, quietly apologizing, and enters in a NEW SHOT. STREETER Religious people aren't just nerds, they're the only nerds willing to kill you over the belief that their franchise is better than yours. You've never seen this happen. Streeter exits past camera. Into the empty white, two ARMIES, one YELLOW with a KIRK BANNER, the other RED with a PICARD BANNER, scream and charge each other. They quickly run out of breath. A few pull out inhalers. NEW SHOT. Streeter enters. STREETER Religious nerdiness is so extreme it's actually dangerous. How many people have died because the Koran nerds couldn't stand the Torah nerds, or because the Bible nerds couldn't stand the Koran nerds? A CRUSADER enters battling an scimitar-wielding INFIDEL. STREETER See? CRUSADER (pointing) ONWARD, TO THE REN FAIRE! The two exit. STREETER Well, you get the idea. Street walks past a row of PEOPLE KNEELING. STREETER Now, there's nothing wrong with faith, or spirituality, or worship. At the end of the row, there's an ANGRY MAN throwing a fit and attempting to get everybody else riled up. STREETER But if you're the kind of person who will obsess over things to the point where you're willing to kill, maybe you should choose something a little less intense than religion. Like Dr. Who. Or Settlers of Catan. Streeter takes the angry man and walks him to Jeff, now playing Catan with the Crusader and the Infidel from before. The angry man hesitantly sits downs and joins them. STREETER Because whether you're a religious nerd or a normal nerd, the net result is the same: little to no pre-marital sex. JEFF I need those sheep, man END.