PHOTOSHOP RAP 2: 02/21/2011
By Caldwell Tanner & Owen Parsons


VERSE ONE:

(We open on a Photoshop Noob staring at a boring picture of a boring cat.)

Noob: This cat photo is so boring. How can I make my cat into the best cat picture evarrrrrrrrr!?!?!?!?!

(His cry activates CMYKilla’s orbiting satellite, which beams CMYkilla down to this dude’s living room.)

I’m CMYKilla, yes I’m back again
Here to zoom in on the problem that you’re tacklin’

You got a kitten and it’s bitchin’ but it ain’t the best
Let me play the sensei on your photoshop quest

Your background’s lame, so let’s extract it
Up this game with chromatic tactics

You see that panel to the right of your layers?
Well that window’s called channels and it’s for true players

“But there’s so many colors! Which one do I pick?”
Find the highest contrast, that’s the one to click.

Now duplicate the layer, let your levels coast
till his edges lookin’ darker than some burned up toast

Get a soft black brush, then fill yo pet
Turn your little kitty cat into a silhouette

Command click this layer while I murder the beat.
Then you pick your top tier and execute delete

But if your selection’s looking jaggy and wrecked
Here’s a tip: Blur that fur with a feather select!

Now step one’s done and your cat’s been freed
So computer, load chorus dot p-s-d!

CHORUS 1:
(R n' B style Photoshop Girls singing)

When you gotta photo problem ain’t no need for hatin’
Call the raster master of manipulatin’

CMY’s got the style to keep your layers poppin’
No GIMP, I’m a pimp when it comes to my shoppin’


VERSE TWO:

Now we’re lookin’ ready for some background heightening
Tell me how you feel about outer space lightning
“Well I-”
GREAT then it’s settled, pussy’s goin’ to space
So let me summon my disciple, say hello to his face

(Radiant G, a futuristic rapper wearing a black to white gradient visor enters)

Yo I’m Radiant G, I make the gradients, see?
All you playa fadas tryin’ to get a piece of me

I got them linear fades all the ladies like
Make your canvas slide diagonally from black to white

Cast some difference clouds, and level it right
Til you get a thin beam of electric night.

“But this lightning bolt’s black. That’s ridiculous”
Boy, don’t dis me thus, I’m meticulous

“Sorry, didn’t mean to make your feeling hurt.”
CMY, smack this fool while command I inverts.

Now levels again, make that lightning bolt shine
And colorize its hue while CMY rhymes...

Grab a small white brush, draw in stars like we do
then lower your opacity and highlight a few

Now this feline’s so fly it just might take wing
As an interstellar thunder-surfing cat god-king

CHORUS 2:
(R n' B style Photoshop Girls singing)

When you need a troubleshoota, CMY’s the one
Cappin yo dilemmas with his photoshop gun

Aint no filla with this killa, he’s a pixel refiner.
MS Paint can eat a taint, cause I’m a rhymin’ designer.


VERSE THREE:

Now your pets been refreshed by that cosmic lance
But beware, be prepared, cause part 3’s advanced.

“But my vision’s complete, and the picture is done!”
Nudge your chair over, fool, I’ve only just begun.

I’ll show you how to find all the skills you require
Unlock your heart’s layers, start playing with fire.  

We’ll get things rolling with a circle marquee,
Hold shift to expand it equidistantly.

Make a radial gradient with a quad-color flame,
fill the circle from the center with precision aim.

“This tutorial’s hard! You’re a real curmudgeon!”
Boy hush, grab a brush, cause it’s time for a smudge’n!

Make the motion blurred, then duplicate your layer.
“your devotion’s absurd!” Cause I’m a true player.

Blend mode. Hard Light. I could go all night.
Open Google. Search fire, f**k that copyright.

I straight stole what I needed to complete the task,
Then I hold command-alt and make a clipping mask.

Now we’re almost done, son check this feline voracity
Take your topmost layer, drop the master opacity.

Now we’ve finally reached the end of my badass tutorial
Can’t wait to show my friends at my dead cat’s memorial!

Yeah! Wait ...What?

CHORUS 3:
(R n' B style Photoshop Girls singing)

If you’re hurtin from a project that’s a bit too much
Killa gonna fix it with his healing brush.

Ain’t no file too big, ain’t no zoom too far,
Yo, all you laya hataz can suck my toolbar

If you call upon his help, boy you won’t be regrettin’
He’ll shop your kitty cat into kitty cat heaven

He’s a photoshop gangsta spreadin’ knowledge to noobs.
My DPI’s big, but my IPD’s HUGE

(aside to noob)

CMYK: IPD means “inches per dick”

Noob: Yeah, I got that.

CMYK: Sorry for your loss.

The screen glows, and an angel version of the cat (breathing fire), emerges and ascends up into the sky.

SCREEN TEXT: “R.I.P. Commodore Stinky 2000-2011”