It's as scary as A, B, C.
By Dan Gurewitch and Pat Cassels
ROBERT REICH enters a white void. He stands to the side of
FRAME throughout the video, as simple doodles and animations
pop up relating to what he's saying.
Hello, I'm Robert Reich, former US
Secretary of Labor. We all know
about Standard & Poor's recent
downgrading of the United States'
credit rating. Today, I'd like to
explain what these downgrades
actually mean for the country.
CUT TO WIDE. A column listing the S&P CREDIT RATINGS in
descending order appears on one side of the frame. When
mentioned, a rating is highlighted or otherwise emphasized.
Now that our rating has dropped
from AAA to AA+, you can expect
higher interest rates and higher
costs for home loans.
"Up" arrows rise from dollar signs and suburban houses.
Should we be downgraded to the next
rating, AA, not only will the value
of the dollar likely drop as much
A dollar bill slides down a stock market chart.
...but the White House doomsday
phone will be powered by Boost
Obama picks up cell phone. It makes the Boost "brp!" noise.
The entire scene turns into a MUSHROOM CLOUD.
At AA-, every Bonefish Grill in the
nation will become a Red Lobster.
A fancy Bonefish Grill. POOF! It's now a Red Lobster.
This brings us to A+.
(beat; then, business-like)
Sorry, America, we won't be going
to Busch Gardens this year.
Instead, we'll be doing a daytrip
to the Anthracite Coal Museum. No
A cone of cotton candy MORPHS into a pick axe.
At A, Canada and Mexico will become
so embarrassed by America they'll
start telling their friends they're
separated by an ocean.
Between Canada and Mexico, the US SINKS and is replaced by
the words "ATLICIFANTIC SEA."
Should we be downgraded to A-,
America will need to swallow its
pride and move back into England's
house. Also, all Red Lobsters will
become Long John Silver's.
POV from inside a front door. It opens, REVEALING a
sheepish-looking UNCLE SAM holding a box of stuff. Then,
POOF - Red Lobster becomes a Long John Silver's.
At the BBB+ rating, John Boehner's
tan will be reposessed.
A large cartoon frame with a REAL portrait photo of
Boehner's overly-tan face. His skin tone abruptly lightens
to FREAKISHLY PALE.
The BBB rating will cause our
National Anthem to become the sound
of a single coin rattling in a tin
Reich puts his hand over his heart. SFX: 3 seconds of a tin
coin rattling in a hollow metal cup.
Also, our flag will have to choose
between stars and stripes, and Long
John Silver's are now Arthur
Two flags: one just stars, the other just stripes.
A Red Lobster (POOF!) becomes an Arthur Treacher's.
At BBB-, things will be so bad that
the American people will
collectively forget the meaning of
the thumbs-up gesture.
Two large THUMBS UP blow away like eroding sand as a cartoon
MAN runs after them, arms outstretched.
At BB+, Chinese President Hu Jintao
will present the state of New
Hampshire to his wife as a
At BB she'll return it and buy a
Slap Chop instead.
A fleet of choppers air-lifts the cutout state of New
Hampshire, which has a bow on top of it.
The choppers place the state down and fly away. BEAT. An
enormous Slap Chop slams down and slices the land.
And Arthur Treacher's is now
Benny's Chowdah Shack, run by
Federal Reserve chairman Ben
POOF! Treacher's becomes a dilapidated fish stand. A sign
above the stand reads "Benny's Chowdah Shack," and below
that: "We're not 'clam-fisted' about our shrimp!" ZOOM IN to
the owner: it's Ben Bernanke (Photoshopped) in a paper hat.
At BB- John Travolta from
Phenomenon will lose his
The actual PHENOMENON poster. A cartoon "T" is tacked over
the "N," changing the title to "PHENOMENOT."
Finally, should the US be
downgraded to the B+ rating,
Standard and Poor's would upgrade
Osama bin Laden back to "alive."
Like a video in reverse, Osama bin Laden is sucked from the
ocean onto a ship's deck. He lands on his feet, smiles, and
triumphantly shakes clasped hands beside his head.
The answer is simple: in the
short-term, we need jobs and
growth, in order to deal with the
long-term problem of our national
debt.¬† So please: don't cut public
spending now.¬† No one wants Ben
Bernanke making clam chowder.
An O.S. hand gives Reich a cup of clam chowder. He tastes