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Shorts / Robert Reich Explains the Credit Downgrade

From CH Staff on August 18, 2011

It's as scary as A, B, C.

Robert Reich Explains the Credit Downgrade

By Dan Gurewitch and Pat Cassels

          ROBERT REICH enters a white void. He stands to the side of
          FRAME throughout the video, as simple doodles and animations
          pop up relating to what he's saying.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    Hello, I'm Robert Reich, former US
                    Secretary of Labor. We all know
                    about Standard & Poor's recent
                    downgrading of the United States'
                    credit rating. Today, I'd like to
                    explain what these downgrades
                    actually mean for the country.

          CUT TO WIDE. A column listing the S&P CREDIT RATINGS in
          descending order appears on one side of the frame. When
          mentioned, a rating is highlighted or otherwise emphasized.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    Now that our rating has dropped
                    from AAA to AA+, you can expect
                    higher interest rates and higher
                    costs for home loans.

          "Up" arrows rise from dollar signs and suburban houses.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    Should we be downgraded to the next
                    rating, AA, not only will the value
                    of the dollar likely drop as much
                    as 10%...

          A dollar bill slides down a stock market chart.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    ...but the White House doomsday
                    phone will be powered by Boost
                    Mobile.

          Obama picks up cell phone. It makes the Boost "brp!" noise.
          The entire scene turns into a MUSHROOM CLOUD.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    At AA-, every Bonefish Grill in the
                    nation will become a Red Lobster.

          A fancy Bonefish Grill. POOF! It's now a Red Lobster.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    This brings us to A+.
                         (beat; then, business-like)
                    Sorry, America, we won't be going
                    to Busch Gardens this year.
                    Instead, we'll be doing a daytrip
                    to the Anthracite Coal Museum. No
                    complaining.

          A cone of cotton candy MORPHS into a pick axe.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    At A, Canada and Mexico will become
                    so embarrassed by America they'll
                    start telling their friends they're
                    separated by an ocean.

          Between Canada and Mexico, the US SINKS and is replaced by
          the words "ATLICIFANTIC SEA."

                              ROBERT REICH
                    Should we be downgraded to A-,
                    America will need to swallow its
                    pride and move back into England's
                    house. Also, all Red Lobsters will
                    become Long John Silver's.

          POV from inside a front door. It opens, REVEALING a
          sheepish-looking UNCLE SAM holding a box of stuff. Then,
          POOF - Red Lobster becomes a Long John Silver's.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    At the BBB+ rating, John Boehner's
                    tan will be reposessed.

          A large cartoon frame with a REAL portrait photo of
          Boehner's overly-tan face. His skin tone abruptly lightens
          to FREAKISHLY PALE.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    The BBB rating will cause our
                    National Anthem to become the sound
                    of a single coin rattling in a tin
                    cup.

          Reich puts his hand over his heart. SFX: 3 seconds of a tin
          coin rattling in a hollow metal cup.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    Also, our flag will have to choose
                    between stars and stripes, and Long
                    John Silver's are now Arthur
                    Treacher's.

          Two flags: one just stars, the other just stripes.

          A Red Lobster (POOF!) becomes an Arthur Treacher's.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    At BBB-, things will be so bad that
                    the American people will
                    collectively forget the meaning of
                    the thumbs-up gesture.

          Two large THUMBS UP blow away like eroding sand as a cartoon
          MAN runs after them, arms outstretched.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    At BB+, Chinese President Hu Jintao
                    will present the state of New
                    Hampshire to his wife as a
                    half-birthday present.
                         (beat)
                    At BB she'll return it and buy a
                    Slap Chop instead.

          A fleet of choppers air-lifts the cutout state of New
          Hampshire, which has a bow on top of it.

          The choppers place the state down and fly away. BEAT. An
          enormous Slap Chop slams down and slices the land.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    And Arthur Treacher's is now
                    Benny's Chowdah Shack, run by
                    Federal Reserve chairman Ben
                    Bernanke.

          POOF! Treacher's becomes a dilapidated fish stand. A sign
          above the stand reads "Benny's Chowdah Shack," and below
          that: "We're not 'clam-fisted' about our shrimp!" ZOOM IN to
          the owner: it's Ben Bernanke (Photoshopped) in a paper hat.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    At BB- John Travolta from
                    Phenomenon will lose his
                    telekenetic powers.

          The actual PHENOMENON poster. A cartoon "T" is tacked over
          the "N," changing the title to "PHENOMENOT."

                              ROBERT REICH
                    Finally, should the US be
                    downgraded to the B+ rating,
                    Standard and Poor's would upgrade
                    Osama bin Laden back to "alive."

          Like a video in reverse, Osama bin Laden is sucked from the
          ocean onto a ship's deck. He lands on his feet, smiles, and
          triumphantly shakes clasped hands beside his head.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    The answer is simple: in the
                    short-term, we need jobs and
                    growth, in order to deal with the
                    long-term problem of our national
                    debt.¬† So please: don't cut public
                    spending now.¬† No one wants Ben
                    Bernanke making clam chowder.

          An O.S. hand gives Reich a cup of clam chowder.  He tastes
          it.

                              ROBERT REICH
                    Gross.

          END.