From CH Staff on
It's as scary as A, B, C.
By Dan Gurewitch and Pat Cassels
ROBERT REICH enters a white void. He stands to the side of FRAME throughout the video, as simple doodles and animations pop up relating to what he's saying. ROBERT REICH Hello, I'm Robert Reich, former US Secretary of Labor. We all know about Standard & Poor's recent downgrading of the United States' credit rating. Today, I'd like to explain what these downgrades actually mean for the country. CUT TO WIDE. A column listing the S&P CREDIT RATINGS in descending order appears on one side of the frame. When mentioned, a rating is highlighted or otherwise emphasized. ROBERT REICH Now that our rating has dropped from AAA to AA+, you can expect higher interest rates and higher costs for home loans. "Up" arrows rise from dollar signs and suburban houses. ROBERT REICH Should we be downgraded to the next rating, AA, not only will the value of the dollar likely drop as much as 10%... A dollar bill slides down a stock market chart. ROBERT REICH ...but the White House doomsday phone will be powered by Boost Mobile. Obama picks up cell phone. It makes the Boost "brp!" noise. The entire scene turns into a MUSHROOM CLOUD. ROBERT REICH At AA-, every Bonefish Grill in the nation will become a Red Lobster. A fancy Bonefish Grill. POOF! It's now a Red Lobster. ROBERT REICH This brings us to A+. (beat; then, business-like) Sorry, America, we won't be going to Busch Gardens this year. Instead, we'll be doing a daytrip to the Anthracite Coal Museum. No complaining. A cone of cotton candy MORPHS into a pick axe. ROBERT REICH At A, Canada and Mexico will become so embarrassed by America they'll start telling their friends they're separated by an ocean. Between Canada and Mexico, the US SINKS and is replaced by the words "ATLICIFANTIC SEA." ROBERT REICH Should we be downgraded to A-, America will need to swallow its pride and move back into England's house. Also, all Red Lobsters will become Long John Silver's. POV from inside a front door. It opens, REVEALING a sheepish-looking UNCLE SAM holding a box of stuff. Then, POOF - Red Lobster becomes a Long John Silver's. ROBERT REICH At the BBB+ rating, John Boehner's tan will be reposessed. A large cartoon frame with a REAL portrait photo of Boehner's overly-tan face. His skin tone abruptly lightens to FREAKISHLY PALE. ROBERT REICH The BBB rating will cause our National Anthem to become the sound of a single coin rattling in a tin cup. Reich puts his hand over his heart. SFX: 3 seconds of a tin coin rattling in a hollow metal cup. ROBERT REICH Also, our flag will have to choose between stars and stripes, and Long John Silver's are now Arthur Treacher's. Two flags: one just stars, the other just stripes. A Red Lobster (POOF!) becomes an Arthur Treacher's. ROBERT REICH At BBB-, things will be so bad that the American people will collectively forget the meaning of the thumbs-up gesture. Two large THUMBS UP blow away like eroding sand as a cartoon MAN runs after them, arms outstretched. ROBERT REICH At BB+, Chinese President Hu Jintao will present the state of New Hampshire to his wife as a half-birthday present. (beat) At BB she'll return it and buy a Slap Chop instead. A fleet of choppers air-lifts the cutout state of New Hampshire, which has a bow on top of it. The choppers place the state down and fly away. BEAT. An enormous Slap Chop slams down and slices the land. ROBERT REICH And Arthur Treacher's is now Benny's Chowdah Shack, run by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke. POOF! Treacher's becomes a dilapidated fish stand. A sign above the stand reads "Benny's Chowdah Shack," and below that: "We're not 'clam-fisted' about our shrimp!" ZOOM IN to the owner: it's Ben Bernanke (Photoshopped) in a paper hat. ROBERT REICH At BB- John Travolta from Phenomenon will lose his telekenetic powers. The actual PHENOMENON poster. A cartoon "T" is tacked over the "N," changing the title to "PHENOMENOT." ROBERT REICH Finally, should the US be downgraded to the B+ rating, Standard and Poor's would upgrade Osama bin Laden back to "alive." Like a video in reverse, Osama bin Laden is sucked from the ocean onto a ship's deck. He lands on his feet, smiles, and triumphantly shakes clasped hands beside his head. ROBERT REICH The answer is simple: in the short-term, we need jobs and growth, in order to deal with the long-term problem of our national debt.¬† So please: don't cut public spending now.¬† No one wants Ben Bernanke making clam chowder. An O.S. hand gives Reich a cup of clam chowder. He tastes it. ROBERT REICH Gross. END.