Troopers: Suggestion Box

By

Patrick Cassels & Owen Parsons

          INT. DREADCRUISER (HALLWAY)

          A RANDOM TROOPER (somehow distinct from Rich and Larry)
          strolls down the hallway, whistling.

          He passes by a "SUGGESTION BOX" with some scraps of paper
          and pencils. He stares at the box. Beat. He shrugs his
          shoulders, scribbles a suggestion and stuffs it into the
          box. SLIGHT PAN to reveal DREADLORD next to the box.

                              DREADLORD
                    Hi there!

          The Trooper screams, drops the pencil.

                              DREADLORD
                    I see you've used my suggestion
                    box. Very good.

                              TROOPER
                    Uh, no sir. That is, um.

          Dreadlord picks up the box and opens it.

                              DREADLORD
                    Ha, don't worry. It's completely
                    anonymous. Why, any of these
                    suggestions could be yours.

          Dreadlord turns the box upside down and shakes. After a few
          more seconds than normal, ONE PIECE of paper flutters out.
          He picks up the paper and unfolds it.

                              DREADLORD
                    Okay, let's see what we have here.
                    See, company morale is very impor-
                         (reading)
                    "More mashed potatoes in the mess
                    hall?"
                         (explosion of anger)
                    WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!

          Dreadlord draws a pistol and disintegrates the Trooper. He
          SCREAMS IN PAIN as he dies.

          SLIGHT PAN reveals RICH and LARRY, frozen in horror.

                              LARRY
                         (to Larry; whisper)
                    He's dead.

                              RICH
                    I know. Shut up.

                              DREADLORD
                    I'm really glad we're doing this.
                    It's important that you all don't
                    feel like drones.

          TROOPER 2 enters.

                              DREADLORD
                    You there, drone! Care to add your
                    two cents to the suggestion box?

          Behind Dreadlord's back, Rich and Larry fervently shake
          their heads and wave their arms as if to say, "No."

                              TROOOPER 2
                    Okay, sure.

          He fills out a suggestion and slips it in the box. Dreadlord
          intercepts it and immediately opens it.

                              DREADLORD
                    Thank you.
                         (reading; pleasant)
                    "You're doing a great job!" Aww.

          Rich and Larry nod and give the Trooper excited thumbs up.

                              DREADLORD
                    That is not a suggestion!

          Dreadlord disintegrates the screaming Trooper. Dreadlord
          turns to Rich and Larry and throws his hands up.

                              DREADLORD
                    Can you believe that guy?

          Rich and Larry, still giving thumbs up, stare at Dreadlord
          for a scared moment, then quickly switch to thumbs down.

                              RICH
                    No, sir. Boo that guy.

                              LARRY
                    Booooo him.

                              DREADLORD
                    Indeed. "Boo him."
                         (nods; hands on hips)
                    Well said.

                              RICH
                    Dreadlord Sinister, um, sir, it's
                    great you're open to suggestions.

                              DREADLORD
                    Yes. Great. I am great.

                              RICH
                    But you're killing everybody who
                    suggests anything.

                              DREADLORD
                    I don't follow.

          TROOPER 3 enters and approaches the box.

                              DREADLORD
                    Whoop, dead man walkin'.

          Dreadlord hovers over the Trooper. The Trooper looks up from
          his paper.

                              TROOPER 3
                    Yeah, I thought this was gonna be
                    anonymous.

                              DREADLORD
                    Oh, of course.

          Dreadlord takes a single, polite step back.

          CLOSE UP on Trooper 3. He shrugs and stuffs his suggestion
          in the box and is IMMEDIATELY DISINTEGRATED.

          Dreadlord casually ENTERS FRAME and grabs the suggestion.

                              LARRY
                    You didn't even read his
                    suggestion!

          Rich elbows Larry.

                              LARRY
                    Sir.

                              DREADLORD
                    Well, I'm sure it was terrible.
                         (reads)
                    "Fewer random killings." See!
                    Ridiculous!

                              LARRY
                    Why did you even put up a
                    suggestion box!?

                              DREADLORD
                    It was a suggestion from a valued
                    employee, may he rest in peace.

                              RICH
                    Forgive me, my Lord, but if you
                    want your employees' respect you
                    need to actually listen to them. Or
                    at least not kill them. That's what
                    being a boss is all about.

          An inspirational moment as they all take this in.

                              DREADLORD
                    Wow, you're right.

                              RICH
                    Oh, thank you.

                              DREADLORD
                    I never really thought about it
                    that way before.

                              RICH
                    Yep, well-

                              DREADLORD
                    Truly a great suggestion.

                              RICH
                    Well, I think-
                         (suddenly getting it)
                    Oh wait fuck.

          Dreadlord is POINTING THE GUN AT RICH.

          END.