From CH Staff on
Constructive criticism turns destructive.UnsSubscribe ToFrom Troopers
By Patrick Cassels & Owen Parsons
INT. DREADCRUISER (HALLWAY) A RANDOM TROOPER (somehow distinct from Rich and Larry) strolls down the hallway, whistling. He passes by a "SUGGESTION BOX" with some scraps of paper and pencils. He stares at the box. Beat. He shrugs his shoulders, scribbles a suggestion and stuffs it into the box. SLIGHT PAN to reveal DREADLORD next to the box. DREADLORD Hi there! The Trooper screams, drops the pencil. DREADLORD I see you've used my suggestion box. Very good. TROOPER Uh, no sir. That is, um. Dreadlord picks up the box and opens it. DREADLORD Ha, don't worry. It's completely anonymous. Why, any of these suggestions could be yours. Dreadlord turns the box upside down and shakes. After a few more seconds than normal, ONE PIECE of paper flutters out. He picks up the paper and unfolds it. DREADLORD Okay, let's see what we have here. See, company morale is very impor- (reading) "More mashed potatoes in the mess hall?" (explosion of anger) WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! Dreadlord draws a pistol and disintegrates the Trooper. He SCREAMS IN PAIN as he dies. SLIGHT PAN reveals RICH and LARRY, frozen in horror. LARRY (to Larry; whisper) He's dead. RICH I know. Shut up. DREADLORD I'm really glad we're doing this. It's important that you all don't feel like drones. TROOPER 2 enters. DREADLORD You there, drone! Care to add your two cents to the suggestion box? Behind Dreadlord's back, Rich and Larry fervently shake their heads and wave their arms as if to say, "No." TROOOPER 2 Okay, sure. He fills out a suggestion and slips it in the box. Dreadlord intercepts it and immediately opens it. DREADLORD Thank you. (reading; pleasant) "You're doing a great job!" Aww. Rich and Larry nod and give the Trooper excited thumbs up. DREADLORD That is not a suggestion! Dreadlord disintegrates the screaming Trooper. Dreadlord turns to Rich and Larry and throws his hands up. DREADLORD Can you believe that guy? Rich and Larry, still giving thumbs up, stare at Dreadlord for a scared moment, then quickly switch to thumbs down. RICH No, sir. Boo that guy. LARRY Booooo him. DREADLORD Indeed. "Boo him." (nods; hands on hips) Well said. RICH Dreadlord Sinister, um, sir, it's great you're open to suggestions. DREADLORD Yes. Great. I am great. RICH But you're killing everybody who suggests anything. DREADLORD I don't follow. TROOPER 3 enters and approaches the box. DREADLORD Whoop, dead man walkin'. Dreadlord hovers over the Trooper. The Trooper looks up from his paper. TROOPER 3 Yeah, I thought this was gonna be anonymous. DREADLORD Oh, of course. Dreadlord takes a single, polite step back. CLOSE UP on Trooper 3. He shrugs and stuffs his suggestion in the box and is IMMEDIATELY DISINTEGRATED. Dreadlord casually ENTERS FRAME and grabs the suggestion. LARRY You didn't even read his suggestion! Rich elbows Larry. LARRY Sir. DREADLORD Well, I'm sure it was terrible. (reads) "Fewer random killings." See! Ridiculous! LARRY Why did you even put up a suggestion box!? DREADLORD It was a suggestion from a valued employee, may he rest in peace. RICH Forgive me, my Lord, but if you want your employees' respect you need to actually listen to them. Or at least not kill them. That's what being a boss is all about. An inspirational moment as they all take this in. DREADLORD Wow, you're right. RICH Oh, thank you. DREADLORD I never really thought about it that way before. RICH Yep, well- DREADLORD Truly a great suggestion. RICH Well, I think- (suddenly getting it) Oh wait fuck. Dreadlord is POINTING THE GUN AT RICH. END.